Saturday, May 11, 2013


It's a wonder what a night of sleep can do to clear your mind.

So here's the actual deal.  I'm not moving out.  But I will be spending as little time as possible in this house.

That means that as often as possible, any time that Chelsea is here and awake, I will be at my grandma's house.  Thankfully, we have a key to her house, so I can even go over there when she is out of town.

I like this idea a lot better.  The relationship I still have with my mom won't have to suffer just because Chelsea likes to terrorize me.  And I'll still get to spend as much as possible with her when she is out of school for two months and Chelsea is still working 5 days a week (though hopefully I will have a job by then, as well).

Do I know if I'm doing the right thing?  Nope.  I don't have a freaking clue what I am doing.  But I know that I wasn't thrilled about making such a drastic change, and when the realization hit me earlier tonight that a year from yesterday will be my college graduation, I knew I need to spend as much time with my mom as possible.  I want this next year to teach her that no matter how far away I move, she's never going to be alone, even though I know how suffocating this house can be for her when it's just her, Chelsea, and Blake for weeks on end.

I feel like crying tonight.  I'm not totally sure why.  Maybe it's because several of my friends became official college graduates today.  Maybe it's because I'm scared (probably for no reason) that I'm losing people that mean so incredibly much to me.  Maybe it's because I want to be back in Buies Creek where everything somehow makes so much more sense to me.  Maybe it's just because today has been yet another day of debilitating pain.  I don't know.  So much for clarity.

On to tomorrow.

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