Today, I slept pretty much all day. I'm not sure why. I didn't realize I was that exhausted. And when I was awake, I sort of felt this overwhelming desire just to not deal with the world today.
Truth is, I've felt like my life is a bit of a mess lately. I should be used to it; this feeling seems to pop up and be the most intense when I'm at home for extended periods of time. Things with the family are...typical, and I just can't stop thinking about how badly I don't want to be here. How I want to be back at school where things make sense and I feel like I have a grip on my life.
Depression runs in my family. Mom, Holly, Chelsea, and I have all dealt with it to varying degrees over the years. I don't think I'm depressed right now, but I know that I could easily fall into that hole again if I'm not careful and intentional about relying on God.
Writing this out reminds me of something that Taylor and I have talked about several times over our countless phone chats. Depression is a lack of joy. And joy, true and pure joy, is something that can only come from the Lord and not this world. I think being home, I tend to be much more forgetful of the fact that my worth does not come from this world, that my joy is not reliant on my location or situation or circumstance, but both come from God and the knowledge I have down to my core that I am first and foremost His child. As His child, I am loved completely. I am clean and righteous because of what Jesus did to take the blame and pay the price for my sin.
I realize that I have a much harder time remembering that my joy is not found in the state of my family when I am at home. It comes from God, and the trust that I am living the life He has called me to live right now, even if it is so very painful for me some days. When I try to draw my joy from the world around me, I lose the ability to show my family Jesus, especially when they are driving me crazy. I'm placing blame on them for things that are really issues in my own heart, things I need to work out with God on my own and ask for His transformational power to overtake me.
I can't change my heart towards my family; only God can do that. Which is just all the more reason that I need to dig into His Word more and make my time with Him a priority. That's the only way that I'm going to get my head and my focus out of the whirlwind of drama that surrounds me and turn my eyes back to God. There I will find the joy that lies waiting for me in the arms of my Father. It's the only place I can find what I'm so desperately searching for.
And that joy, that true, pure, God-given, inexplicable joy, is what is going to keep me calm as I deal with this intense pain until my doctor appointment, and even more to August 18th when I can return to Campbell and my life there.
Lord, help me. I can't do this on my own. I need You. I'm done fighting it. I know You want the best for me, so help me give up the control I'm clinging to so I can obtain the joy a life that abides in You holds.