Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Romans 8:28. Just use this for something, Lord.

It's been an overwhelming few days.

Sunday, I had a seizure at church. My first seizure in 49 days.

I went to the ER because my neck hurt really bad and I couldn't get up without crying.

A CT scan revealed that my neck was fine from the seizure...but that there is a lesion in my throat right near where my thyroid used to be (yeah, thankfully it hasn't decided to grow back again). The CT machine doesn't have the capabilities of telling what the lesion is in terms of a tumor or cyst or something else, but the doctor said that with my history of tumors in that area, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. He told me to get to my endocrinologist ASAP.

By some miracle, my doc had an appointment open yesterday morning. Usually, because she's only there a couple days a week, it's pretty much impossible to get a same-day appointment. I brought her the report, and the radiologist had actually written in there that he was recommending an MRI with contrast to find out what it is. So she got that scheduled immediately, and last night at 8:30 was basically the only time they had open all week. So I went. Then, I spent 4 hours in the ER to get my shunt reprogrammed because I couldn't just go to my neurosurgeon's office because of the hour. By 11:15, I was in excruciating pain (it started hurting worse about 3 minutes after the MRI started), so the wonderful doctor went and ordered me Morphine without making me try lesser drugs that were not going to work. Bless him.

Well, I wasn't expecting to get results on the MRI until next week when I went back for a follow-up with my doc, but her nurse called me today because the report had just gotten faxed to her. The MRI still couldn't tell us what is in my throat, so she said my options were just a regular ultrasound or an ultrasound-guided biopsy. I was like, uhhh biopsy, I want to know what the hell this thing is and what we need to do about it. So...I have a biopsy next Wednesday.

My nerves and anxiety have not really been handling this well the past couple of days. I'm really scared. How I found out about this lesion is literally the exact same scenario as how I found out I had tumors last time. And yeah, the chance of cancer is really low, especially because my tumors have always been benign, but it's just, this is the fourth time I've been faced with this. And I'm scared this is going to be another tumor and I'll have to deal with another surgery. I'm just overwhelmed because I so was not expecting to have to deal with any of this. And plus now, like, I've never had a biopsy before (believe it or not) so that is not really doing anything for my anxiety.

But here's the thing. I have been practically flooded with support since this started on Sunday. From everyone at church, to Summer who I was texting throughout that afternoon, to Clayton and Austin, to all of my soccer boys, I am acutely aware of just how incredible the people who love me really are. They tell me I'm Superwoman when I feel like I'm falling apart. They believe I'm going to be just fine when I'm struggling and scared. There hasn't been one second since I got this news on Sunday that I have thought I was alone in this. I am incredibly thankful that I have this security in the midst of a lot of uncertainty.

Last night, I had a dream about the day I met The Vespers. I specifically remembered how Bruno told me, "You're going to do big things with that testimony, bigger things than I'll ever do." And despite my fears, that's really helped keep my perspective in check. I can't control what's happening - it's happening whether I like it or not - but what I can do is pray that God will use whatever comes out of this to add to the story I've been given to tell people. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He's done that with stuff from my past that is a lot worse than this, so I believe He can use this, too, and make good come from it. I see that already in the fact that while it sucks that I had a seizure after seven weeks free of them, if I hadn't had that seizure, I wouldn't have found out about this lesion. So this what I'm praying for, because I feel like that's all I've got. I want His plan, not mine.

So yeah, I'm scared of what's going to happen, but in the end, I know that I'm not going to have to face it alone. And that's enough reason alone to say praise God.

Before I had the seizure, this is one of the songs we sang at church.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I quit believing in coincidences a long time ago.

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1 comment:

  1. Thank you Mal for sharing about what you're going through. This is def beauty in the breakdown! :) I'm happy that you have not lost faith. You are brave and dearly loved. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." NIV Deuteronomy 31:6 Keep being the Superwoman you are ;) I will be praying for your anxiety and your biopsy. Love you, Ellen.