Tuesday, September 1, 2015

It's Ryann's birthday today.

Truth be told, I had forgotten about it, until I clicked on Facebook right at midnight and saw the birthday notification in the corner. My stomach immediately dropped. Damn you, Facebook.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love birthdays. I LOVE celebrating the people that I love. If I know you and I know your birthday, I will wish you a happy birthday. If we're even somewhat close, chances are high that I will sing for you. It makes me happy to celebrate people.

So when I saw it was her birthday, I immediately began grappling with whether or not I should wish her a happy birthday.

Some of my friends thought I was insane, that the answer was obvious, that no way should I reach out to someone who cut me out with no explanation and hasn't responded or spoken to me in more than four months. But it was a real question for me, mostly because I felt like I couldn't win no matter what I did or no matter what the outcome was.

I haven't stopped hurting about how things ended with her in the months since it happened. So I knew that if I said nothing to her, I'd still be hurting.

If I reached out and she said nothing, I'd hurt from the confirmation that she really is done with me, that I really was that disposable to her after everything.

If I reached out and she responded to give me whatever messed up reasons she had for disappearing, I'd hurt for having the girl who was my absolute best friend, my sister, for four years basically stab me straight in the heart.

So no matter what, I hurt.

Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist today. We discussed many things, but a good part was devoted to this. God bless that woman, because she helped me understand that the reasons why I wanted to text Ryann were the exact reasons why I shouldn't.

Part of me wanted to text her in the hopes that she would respond and we could reconcile things, that I could get my best friend back. But someone who did what she has done is not a healthy friendship to have. It's just my people-pleasing tendencies that want everyone to be happy and for everyone to like me that are bringing that desire for reconciliation. Setting aside the fact that she was my best friend, it really, really hurts that someone I thought loved me and considered me a friend suddenly did a 180 and decided they didn't like me anymore. I've always wanted to do whatever I could to be liked. I just didn't see that it was playing out like this.

The other part of me wanted to text her because I wanted answers. I wanted to know how she could totally disregard the friendship we had and all the times she called me her best friend, her sister, the person she trusted most. I wanted to know how she could do exactly what she knew I'm so terrified of and exactly what she always promised she never would without a second thought. I wanted to know how she could go from never being afraid to talk to me about her feelings, or any frustrations she had regarding me, to straight up lying to me and saying everything is fine only to completely ghosting me.  I just wanted to know what the hell happened, because I realized months ago that this wasn't my fault.

But sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes we don't get the answers we want, or maybe even deserve. Sometimes people do hurtful things that have nothing to do with something wrong in us and everything to do with something wrong in them. And though we're not at fault, we have to learn how to pick up the pieces and move forward, instead of letting the sadness and frustration rule our lives. Because when someone suddenly and unexpectedly cuts you out and goes four months of not showing any sign of reopening that door, chances are good that they're never going to. I've never been good at letting people go without closure. That's pretty much why it took me six years to quit Landon.  My therapist helped me understand, though, that closure isn't so much about the situation with the other person as it is about recognizing that I've done everything I could. And I have done everything I could. I was a good friend to her for four solid years, as good of a friend as I possibly know how to be and a friend that she seemed to appreciate. I asked her if anything was wrong - she said no. And when she disappeared, I tried multiple times to reach out, in many different ways. I can't do anything else. I can't force back open a door she shut.

So I didn't text her. It wouldn't do any good. I need to learn how to make myself feel better, instead of expecting a response from her that may never come to do it. This wasn't my doing, so fighting to fix something I'm not responsible for will do nothing but exhaust me and drag out the pain I was already dealing with.

We all give pieces of our heart away when we form deep relationships. Sometimes you give a piece to the wrong person. Now, I'm going to take this one back.

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