Saturday, March 9, 2013

I'm a mess, I confess.

Today, I've been struggling with fear.

And then, consequently, I've been struggling with how to get rid of that fear because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid because I have God with me.  And then that just makes me think about how Chris and Brennan like to tell me that I need to JUST STOP TRYING which makes me get frustrated with myself.

Yeah.  I'm a mess.

Basically, I think Satan is just trying to mess with me.  I keep thinking about my upcoming appointment at Duke on April 3rd, and all these fears have come out of nowhere about that day turning into a repeat of August 2009 and my shunt will be broken and I'll need surgery and it'll be a mess.  It started last night with me having a dream that instead of getting to hang out with The Vespers when they come to the area on the 7th and 8th, they came and visited me in the hospital.  So basically I started off the day on a freaked out note, even though I know those sweet friends of mine would come visit me in a heartbeat if I were in a situation like that.

But still, I have nothing to be afraid of.  Do I want to have surgery?  Uh, it's not exactly at the top of my bucket list, but if my shunt is actually broken, then yes, I do, because it will give me an answer to the months of constant, incomprehensible pain.  And the things that happened back in 2009 with my brain surgeries were freak complications, there's no reason for me to think that having another surgery would mean similar things would happen.  And if I'm going to have surgery, I'll be in the hands of doctors at one of the best hospitals in the world.

All of that is just me trying to appeal to the rational-unemotional part of me.  Because believe it or not, that does exist.

The REAL reason I have nothing to be afraid of, though, is because I know God is who He says He is.  He's taken care of me through so many other things, and I know He's going to be right with me through this appointment and whatever may come of it.  My God is bigger than any of my health issues, but more importantly, He is bigger than the enemy who is trying to distract me from the things I know to be true about God with fear that has no place in the heart of one of God's children.

The Bible tells us over and over again not to fear.  As I sat down to write this post, this verse popped into my head.

1 John 4:16-19 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us."

Perfect love casts out fear.  God is perfect love.  That means that God is the only one that will be able to get rid of this fear.  It's not something I can get rid of on my own.  Like David defeating Goliath, Jesus took this fear to the Cross with him, so I'm just going to have to lay it at his feet and pray that God will overtake every piece of me and make all the negative thoughts disappear so that I can focus on the security that is found in Him.  He's got to take this, because I can't defeat fear on my own.

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