Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Day In Between

Silent Saturday.

That's what I heard someone refer to today, the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, as.  And thinking on what the disciples must have felt as they grieved having watched Jesus' crucifixion, I think it fits.  They had been told by Jesus himself that he would rise on the third day, but being human, it's understandable that they were skeptical that he would literally rise from the grave.  Once we lose that child-like faith, we're all doubters.  Yes, he said he would rise again, but what if he didn't?  Such a miraculous feat seems pretty improbable to human minds.  All they knew for sure was that Jesus was gone.  And anyone who has ever lost a loved one can tell you that the silence left behind in the place of that person's missing presence can be deafening.  The Gospels say many times that everyone remembered Jesus saying he would be resurrected and believed it would happen just like everything else Jesus had said would happen had happened...except his disciples.    They were expecting somebody to remove his body from the tomb to trick people, not him to leave death in his grave and come back to them.  So, knowing that, I think this day must have been a day of intense grief and mourning for them.

For everyone else, though, the ones who remembered and believed that Jesus would be resurrected, I think this day was one of anxious anticipation.  It was a day of waiting.  They had just witnessed the Savior they loved and adored be tortured and put to death; now, they had to wait for him to make the glorious return that he had promised.  I wonder how many of them had moments of doubt, times where they thought they were crazy for thinking a man could actually die and then get up and live again.  I know what he said, but will he actually do it?  We all do that, and usually over things way smaller in scale than an event like this.

I see myself and my struggles intertwined so deeply in this.  I've found myself saying numerous times to various people, "I know that God can heal me, but I find myself doubting that He will."  Even when I hear from so many others who know me, even people who don't know me that will saying things like, "I believe they will find out what's wrong and you will get better!"  They're so confident, so sure of what they're saying, and yet I still struggle to truly, fully, wholeheartedly believe that God is going to take away this pain.  It's so hard for me to believe that something will happen while still accepting the fact that it may not, especially when it's something I want so desperately as I want to be free from this pain.  There's always a part of me that thinks I'm going to be stuck with this.

The thing is, though, God's healing doesn't always happen this side of heaven.  21-year-old college seniors get taken to heaven days before their sister's wedding.  Kids join Jesus before they ever really have a chance to experience life on this earth.  Parents leave behind children.  It's stories like this that get caught in my head, that hold me back from having the confidence that my friends do that I'm going to get my healing here on earth.

So I wait.  I wait like the masses of people who waited for Jesus to fulfill the promise of his triumphant return.  Hoping for the best, but preparing for the fact that I may not get what I want.

I wait for answers, praying as hard as I can for those to come with my neurosurgeon appointment this coming Wednesday, and thanking God that so many others are joining me.

I wait to be introduced to the plan that God has for my future.

I wait for more opportunities for Him to use me in the midst of my trial.

And as I wait, I remind myself that I am working on His timetable, not the other way around, and just because I haven't heard from Him yet, that doesn't mean He's not working for my good and to orchestrate the plans for the story He had written for me long ago.  Because He is.  He promises me so, that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.  As much as it drives this Type A control freak crazy, all I can do is wait.  I have already done more in my life for His glory than I ever could have dreamed possible, so I know that He has something great in store.

When His answer does come, well...I just pray that, unlike the disciples, I will recognize His face.

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