Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I know You're there.

Today was another very painful day.

I made it through my French Grammar test at 8:00 this morning , but then I came back and stayed in bed basically all day, save for getting up to eat so that my blood sugar didn't crash and to cancel my tutoring sessions for today.  The weird part is that I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night.  I still feel like I've been hit by a truck, and am incredibly nauseous and lightheaded.

The good news, though?  I've had the feeling of Jesus being right next to me the whole time.  I didn't feel sad or stressed out or angry or frustrated or any of those negative feelings I usually have when I have really bad days like this.  I guess that's what peace from God does for you.

I am so, so blessed, y'all.  Seriously.  He never gives up on me no matter how badly I screw up.  He gives me the reminders I need that I am never alone.  He is always with me.  And because of that knowledge, that security, I know I will survive because He will pull me through.

He is so good and faithful to make His presence known when I am at my weakest and most broken.  It's taken everything I have in me just to get up the past few days, but every day, He has breathed life back into me and given me strength I wouldn't have otherwise.

Nick posted this on Twitter last week.  Bold statements like this always hit me the hardest, but I just found this to be especially true and profound.  Too many people leave God in a corner as some figure worthy of praise when there's "time" for it, trying too hard to do things on their own because they don't know there's another option.  God doesn't need us.  He wants us, though, always, every part of us, every day.  We, on the other hand, need God, yet most of the time act like we don't want Him, and when we do, it's to get Him to do what we want or to be the figure we want.

Hello, irony.  Nice to see you again.

I'm not passionate about God because it's fun or cool or I want The Vespers or anyone else to like me.  I chase Him because I wouldn't be alive without Him.  I need a relationship with Christ to keep from feeling like the weight of the world is going to crush my chest.  I need Christ so I don't give into the thoughts that torment me some days.  And it's days like today, days that would have made the old me fall even deeper into that pit of depression, that remind me why I want to pursue Him.  Because He is so faithful to lay with me in my pain.  Because He waited for me.  Because He's full of second chances.  Because He loved me first.

Just as the Bible says, I can do anything with Christ, but every day that this pain continues, I learn that the opposite is also true - I can do nothing without Him.  And after everything that's happened, I don't even want to try.

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