April 3 feels like forever away.
Even though I know it's not.
Even though I know that it's only 20 days and that, with school, those 20 days will be gone before I know it.
It still feels like forever away.
Especially on the days when I can't even make it to class in the morning because the pain is so bad that all I want to do is cry.
I just want it to be April 3 so I can have another shot at getting some answers to this pain that I am so, so tired of.
I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I really don't. I try very hard not to complain about my situation and instead focus on the numerous blessings that I know surround me, but it's hard to do that when I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes begging God to help me overcome. My general method for this blog is I sit here and just write whatever comes out, and this is what is coming out tonight. I am tired, I am in pain, and I need to feel God's presence with me in a real and tangible way. So I have "How Great is our God" playing on repeat hoping that will help me focus on what I know to be true.
My God is great. He is faithful. And the times that I can't walk another step are when He carries me. He is mighty to save. That's what I know.
I just thought of this quote I heard on a video somewhere a long time ago - I really wish I could remember where I heard it or who said it, but I don't - and it fits exactly the way I'm feeling tonight. I don't remember the exact words, but the person basically said that the difference between a complaint and a lament is that a complaint is rooted in frustration and displeasure, while a lament is rooted in grief and is a way to verbalize sadness that you feel but still tells God that you know He is good and you trust Him. I mean, there is an entire book of the Bible called Lamentations and so many other places in the Bible where people are basically venting about the terrible situation they're caught in but still voice their faith in God.
I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm being honest with God about how I feel, I vent freely because I know He can handle it and I need to let it out, but I remind myself at the end (because let's face it, He doesn't need reminding) that I trust in who He is and what I know He can do. Not once in all of this have I lost my faith in the Lord, and I am so grateful for that because it's kept me from taking steps backwards so many times. Like I told my professor the other day when I had the opportunity to witness to her, that knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from going absolutely crazy some days..
I know that God cares for me. I know that I am His, and He is mine. Even though I sit here crying as I write this, I know that God knows I'm not angry about any of this. I'm just tired and weak and confused and broken and more aware now than ever before just how in desperate need I am of His saving grace. I don't know what He's doing, but I know who He is. That is enough, and so is He.
Jesus, lay with me tonight.