Thursday, March 28, 2013

Ugly and Raw

I'm warning you now - this is going to be one of the ugliest posts I've written in a very long time.  But it's going to be ugly because, for once, I'm going to be completely honest about the one subject that I don't think I'm ever 100% honest with anyone about...because I hate who I am in it.  But this time, I'm leaving my heart open raw, because I just can't hold it in anymore.

20 seconds, if that.  That's how long it took from the time my mom got home tonight for the yelling to start.  And it all basically went downhill from there.  I spent the next 3+ hours trying to smother the urge I had to get up and punch my sister in the face while still managing to enjoy my mom and my sweet, sweet nephew until my mom and I locked ourselves in her room to watch Grey's Anatomy and Scandal while my sister and Blake went to bed.

I haven't even been here 24 hours and I'm already wondering why I bothered coming home at all because right now, even the joy of seeing my always adorable nephew doesn't seem like it's worth the stress and misery of being stuck in this house for even 72 hours with someone who seems to live to terrorize the rest of us.

I've told the few people that I've talked to in the least about this that I love Chelsea...and I really do want to believe that I do.  But I don't know if I can call what I feel for her "love."  I've always said that I would die to protect the people that I love, and I can easily name off many people that that includes: Mom, Blake, Holly, Matt, Ryann, all of the Vespers, Caitie, Kyla, Mommom, and on and on.  But I started really thinking about this question when I was in the shower tonight, and if it came down to it, if I had to choose between giving my life or Chelsea's, I'm not sure that I'd die for her.

And I wish I could accurately describe how much it pains me to write those words, but nothing will ever suffice.  I wish things were different.  I've waited for so long for things to be different.  I've told myself over and over again that next time I would be better.  And it never is.  I walk in this house, and I see how she is, and I remember the 13+ years of torture she's inflicted upon this family, especially my mom....and I just want her gone.  I want her to give custody of Blake over to Mom so he can have a shot at a stable life and just...disappear.  Every time I see my mom cry because she's so stressed from living in this mess 24/7, I think about how much better all of our lives would be if she were just gone.  I think that we could be a normal family that didn't live in a constant warzone if she weren't a part of the equation.

Please, please understand how much I absolutely hate this part of myself.  I hate that I can't love her through the brokenness she calls a life.  I hate that I can't really, permanently forgive her for the damage she has caused.  I hate that I can't be the light of Christ in her life, even for just a minute, no matter how badly I want to.  I hate that I have a hard time remembering that God created her for a purpose just like He created me, or that Jesus went to the Cross to save her just like he did for me.  I hate that I think I'm better than she is.

Because in reality, I know that I'm not.  I know that in God's eyes, I am just as deserving of the brutal death that Jesus received as she is, but it's only because I found my salvation that my eternity looks different.  I know that I am just as broken as she is, and just as in need of a Savior.  I know that my God doesn't play favorites, He doesn't have levels where someone is above someone else, He is fair and just and loves us all equally.

I keep begging for the Lord to change me, but I think that I have to want that more than I want Him to change her before anything will happen, and that's why my family is stuck in this life-sucking quicksand.  I just don't know what it's going to take for that to happen.  I don't know what else I need to do, what else I need to say to God, what I need to lay at the foot of the Cross before I can witness God's merciful redemption of this horrible saga just like I've seen Him redeem everything else in my life.

And what scares me the most is that at the rate things are going, my family isn't going to be around long enough to see it happen.

post signature


  1. Family or not, some people are plain toxic. It's helping those who help themselves. She clearly needs some professional help. It's not you or your is on her. So sorry!

  2. My opinion is, maybe healing can't come right now because she's in your life so much. But when you get out of school, get your own place, and can have a huge amount of time to yourself... get much needed space... then maybe you can get a different perspective. You may need years and years. Don't let anybody tell you that because it's family you can't remove yourself. We've had to do this.