Today has been a major strain on my attitude.
First, after five straight days of feeling like this new combination of medications was going to finally fix my head, I woke up today with the pain having taken a major step backward. The good news is that tonight it is feeling somewhat better again, so there is hope that all of this was just a fluke.
Second, in World Religions, I found out that the test that I have to make up tomorrow (because I was sick on Wednesday) is actually super difficult, and now I'm all stressed out about my grade in the class I thought I was going to be the least worried about because I've already done poorly on a few of the vocab quizzes.
Third, Phonetics is making me feel stupid. I really dislike feeling stupid, especially when I know I'm not stupid. And it's nothing Dr. Steegar was doing; he was actually really encouraging about what we were working on and also told me he's going to recommend some of his worse students go to Student Services and sign up for me to tutor them. So he knows what I'm capable of. I just get so aggravated with myself when I know I should be getting something and it's just not sticking. Perfectionist problems.
Fourth, and this is the most fun of all, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in the ER tomorrow getting an x-ray of my foot. The pain in my right foot (the one that had all the steel taken out because of the MRSA infection that Dr. Pupp warned me could fracture even years down the line because the bones didn't have enough time to fuse before I got the infection) has been getting progressively worse for over a week, and now there's a stabbing pain in one bone in my foot every time I take a step. I'm going to go to the infirmary after I make up my World Religions test tomorrow morning first because there's technically supposed to be an orthopedic person there who can look at it, but as Mom said, "Unless they have an x-ray machine, which the chances of there being one in that infirmary are about as high as you marrying Prince Harry, no one in there is going to touch your reconstructed foot with a ten-foot pole. But good luck with that." Ha. Gotta love my mother's supportive sense of humor. I really hope I don't have a cast on my foot after tomorrow. I'm hoping that if anything, they'll give me a walking boot or something that won't be quite such a hassle. But yeah, prayers are appreciated.
But then, sitting here writing this blog post and just wanting to rant about how frustrating today has been, I keep thinking back to an email I got from my friend Lauren this morning. She had emailed me a prayer request, and I responded telling her what was going on with my head. She told me she'd continue to pray but then she added, "Your attitude never ceases to amaze me, though!!!" And that just makes me do a double take.
First, I want to think, "Man, am I really that two-faced?" because when she sent that, I really felt like my attitude was pretty much the last thing that anyone should be amazed by. I was feeling exhausted and frustrated and defeated and annoyed and just all the ugh feelings you can think of.
But then, it makes me think that this is when God has the opportunity to make me better, to make me a little more like Him, even when the very human part of me would like to stay in my rut and whine some more. I just have to swallow my selfish pride, step back and let Him. It makes me remember of what I know to be true, exactly what I responded to Lauren this morning: "Thanks, sweet friend, but this is ALL God. If I were on my own, I'd be miserable and depressed. I know that because I have been there. He is my strength - because of Him, I can boast in my weakness! That's what gets me through every day!"
If I just give all of this stress and pain and worry over to Him, He can take care of it because He is strong enough. It is His strength that will fill me, that will give me the provisions necessary to make it through every single day one day at a time. That's why it's okay that I'm not enough. I don't have to try to be enough because He already is.
What a relief.
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive.
And I'm alive because I'm alive in You.