I had a totally accidentally incredibly insightful conversation with Taylor today. It's always fun when that happens with anyone, but especially so with him when you get two talkers like us together. The interesting part was that it started out as nothing more than me wanting to tell him the story of how me joining the worship team at church happened, and we ended up, like we often do, talking about Scripture and things. I got to share my heart about my family (some more), and he gave me some (more! haha) wisdom about facing them with prayers, the fruits of the spirit, and perseverance. I had no idea how quickly his words would be needed.
About twenty minutes after I got off the phone with him, I got a call from my neurologist. I had called her earlier in the day because she wanted an update on how this new medicine for my migraines is doing, and she was calling me back. In short, since I just doubled the dosage yesterday, she said I just need to "give it more time." That was...frustrating, to say the least. I do my best to keep my search for joy focused out of this world and on Him and not to let the problems I face here get me down, but to be quite honest, this was really difficult for me to hear. Tomorrow will be 10 weeks of constantly feeling like I'm on the verge of tears from pain, and I'm tired and frustrated. Thankfully, God is big enough for me to tell Him that.
This has been near the front of my mind pretty much all day, as I have not had the energy to do much outside of class but sit in the dark and think. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was looking God in the eyes and He was asking me two very specific and very important questions.
Do you trust Me?
Trust. It always seems to come back to trust. Do I trust His plan for me? Do I trust that He wants the best for me? Do I trust that He knows what He is doing, even when it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense to me? His plans and His ways are so much bigger and higher than mine. I meant what I said when I said that I want whatever He's got planned for me, all of it. If this is what He wants my life to look like so He can get the glory He deserves out of it, then I have to let go. As much as it hurts me and frustrates me and honestly scares me at times, as often as I stumble and take steps backward and wonder what's going on or what He's thinking, I know in my heart and soul that I trust that He's taking care of me. I know that He is still God and He is still good, no matter what physical state I am in. And that's all that matters.
Are you willing to persevere?
Yes, when Taylor and I talked about perseverance earlier in the day, it was in regards to my family and choosing to love them and minister to them no matter how little I want to do so sometimes, the idea is just as applicable to the struggles I deal with on my own. Am I willing to continue to run the race that He has set before me? Am I going to completely give up any demands over what I want out of this, to fully surrender to the fact that none of this was ever about me in the first place? I have the choice to either let the enemy's battle for my spirit and my joy take precedence, or to tell him that I am not his and that my heart has been won by the King that has overcome everything. My battle has already been won. I texted Caitie not long after getting off the phone with the doctor because I knew she'd want to know, and she wrote back exactly what I needed to hear, even if I didn't realize it for a little while. "You can do it. You can do anything with Christ who gives you strength." He's fighting for me. That makes persevering a lot less arduous of a task, if I can just keep that in mind.
I don't know how to end this in a pretty way, so I'm just going to say this: Tonight, I am indescribably thankful for a God who is big enough to heal me, strong enough to handle my questions, patient enough to let me lament, and attentive enough to send me friends to keep me focused. I am in desperate need of all of that.