Monday, May 28, 2012

Tonight, my heart just hurts.

I'm extremely tired tonight, and I have to be up at 8:30, so I'm going to make this as quick as possible.

Mom and I went shopping this afternoon for DC stuff.  I hate shopping, but Mom loves it.  It's nice to be that much closer to being totally ready, though.  We only went to Belk, Shoe Carnival, and Walmart, so it was a really fast trip.  It was nice to be out of the house.

The rest of the afternoon/evening/night sucked pretty bad, though.  I couldn't even have a phone conversation with a friend outside because Chelsea would just come outside and scream at me some more, so I've basically done nothing but sit in my room and try to calm the rage that was being brought out of me.  I'm so ready to be out of here.  I can't stand it here.  I love these people, I do, it's just so much better for all of us when I'm not actually living here.

And to be honest, my heart still hurts pretty bad over that blowup with that friend, so I've probably been a little more irritable than usual.  But God's plans are bigger than mine and higher than mine.  His timing is perfect, and if He sees it to be necessary for this friend and I to be apart right now, then I need to deal with that.  I just pray He'll help me heal the pain, because this really hurts.  And it makes all the typical, expected stuff going on with the family feel that much more stressful.

This is a quote from an email I sent to a friend last night.  I think it pretty much sums everything up that's going on in my heart right now.  I know I shouldn't be so angry at myself because I am human and I screw up just like everyone else, but to know I basically chased someone I care very much about away without even meaning to and knowing that (at least for right now) there's nothing I can do to fix it or make it better, well, it just hurts.  It hurts a lot.  And it makes it pretty difficult not to be hard on myself about it because it is my fault.  It's hard not to feel like I'm a horrible friend.  I'm not even mad at this person because I know they were right, I just want to fix it.

Anyway, here's the quote.

"I know I'm changing and growing. I am truly in awe of all that God has done in my life and my heart since that week in Nashville. But when stuff like this happens, I revert back to that scared little girl with no self-esteem who feels like she's a failure and will never be good enough. Why am I so dependent on these people in my daily life when I know and believe with all my heart that I love God and that He is sufficient and here and all that I really need? It's like I've got a ridiculous case of amnesia.  Please, pray with me that God will give me the opportunity to at least explain my heart and my side of it to [this person]. Even if our friendship is done or at the very least never the same again, I want [them] to know who I am and why my heart is the way it is. I want [them] to understand that I didn't mean to do this. I would love a second chance, but what matters more is that [they forgive] me and [understand] my heart."

On to tomorrow.  I really hope it works out that I can see Matt because I could really use one of his hugs right now.  No one can make me feel better like that kid.

1 comment:

  1. You, know the space that this friend asked for, may have nothing to do with you at all. Perhaps there is something else going on in their life that is causing this.