Thanks to my incredible best friend Ryann, I had a bit of an epiphany tonight.
My heart has been in the wrong place this whole time.
As much as I know my life has changed since Nashville, I'm still focusing on the wrong things. As much as I tell people I finally love myself now (and I really do), I'm still sitting here waiting for some guy to tell me he loves me so that I'll feel important enough or like everyone else.
I've been doing it all wrong.
My hope can't be in other people. Everyone I know is going to let me down at some point or another. Even the people I love most. I've been putting my hope in the relationships that support me, when maybe these relationships are what is keeping me from falling into God the way I need to.
If I die alone, if I only have kids via adoption or IVF or never have any kids at all, if I never meet the man of my dreams, I am still beautiful. I am still loved. I am worth more than anything or anyone on this planet can ever give me because I am loved by God. I am His. This world is not where I belong. But He made me exactly the way that I am, every part of me, for a purpose. And my ultimate goal is not to be loved by people, my goal has to be to please Him. Because that's what HE deserves. He deserves it because He's keeping me from the torture that I deserve.
God, I thought I had it right after Nashville. I thought I was changed. I thought I was different. And here I am, face-to-face with the fact that I still wasn't mentally where I need to be. These people, they don't matter in the long run, I only need them to keep me focused on chasing after You. I don't want to let You down. Please, PLEASE help me forget them. Help me to keep learning. You are all that matters. You are all that can save me. Help me have the strength to cut out whomever I need to cut out because I want my focus on You and ONLY You. Please, help me find that direction. Help me to remember. Help me to be the daughter You know I can be. Help me to keep my eyes on the ultimate goal, the only goal that really matters - eternity with You.