Note: I am not writing this post because I'm looking for a bunch of compliments about what a good person I am. I promise I'm not. I'm just writing this because it's what has been on my mind because of what has gone down the past few days. That's it.
Now that I've had a day to process things, I finally have things to say about what's been going on here lately.
I've been feeling pretty down on myself the past few days. That's pretty much entirely because of what's happened in this house. I feel extremely guilty about the things I said to Chelsea out of anger, things I know I'd never say to anyone else, things I know I shouldn't have even ever said to her. And so it made me start to question if whether or not I was any better of a person than her. It's rather hard to compare our behavior because she has mental illnesses and I don't, and I have faith in God that she doesn't. We live by two completely different ideas of what is right and wrong, and while she is the only person I'm ever truly hateful towards, she treats our entire family the same way she treats me.
That's not meant to be an excuse. I can never excuse the things I've said and thought the past few days. I am ashamed that after all these years, I haven't learned how to control myself better. I'm just saying that I am never like that with anyone else, and even Matt, who has seen firsthand the crap that goes on in our family, has said that he couldn't ever imagine me not being nice. And that's because, really, I'm nice to everyone. Even with bullies at school, I'm never hateful towards them. But here, something about being trapped in this house makes me just as spiteful and bitter and angry and mean as she is.
I hate that about myself. I hate myself almost immediately as soon as I say mean things to her. I want so badly to change, and I told myself from the beginning that I wanted this summer to be different. But I just don't know how to make that change happen. I can prepare for the mind games all I want, but in the heat of the moment, I somehow manage to lose everything I've been taught and everything I know and become this person that absolutely sickens me. God is here and He has control, I know that. I mean, only God could have made it so that we went two entire weeks before we had our first big blowout.
I just don't want to be that person anymore, the person who lets her temper and her defensiveness get the better of her. I've been praying, and some of my closest friends have been praying, so I can't help but sit here and wonder what it's going to take to change me. I'm honestly scared to find out because things are already so bad. But there must be something waiting for me. There must be some lesson that I'm not seeing yet; God has the power to make this all stop, to make me stop, and since it hasn't and I haven't yet, there's got to be some part of His plan in which the reason for all of this makes perfect sense.
I want good relationships with my sisters so, so much. I couldn't want that more if I tried. I found some blogs the other night from three sisters (there's actually four girls in the family, but one of them doesn't have a blog), and in searching through their archives, I found this post in which they all did a video blog together, and my heart hurt deeply from being jealous at the kind of relationship they have and apparently have always had. I feel that same jealousy when I look at my friends and I know how close some of them are to their siblings, especially the ones who consider their siblings their best friends. I love my sisters, that's not even a question, but I want to like them, too. I want to want to spend time with them, to share secrets with them, to be close, and right now, I honestly can't stand either of them. I HATE THAT. I tried so long to form relationships with them without getting anywhere, so I eventually just quit trying, but that doesn't erase how badly I wish things were different.
I think, though, that beyond the work that has to be done in our relationships, something has to be done in me. I have to learn how to show them the patience, grace, and love that I have been given by God. It's easy for me to do it with everyone else, so why is it so difficult with them? I want to be released from this resentment that is holding me down. God, even if they don't want relationships, please PLEASE teach me how to show them the love I know from You, because even more important to me than fixing these relationships is finding the peace within my heart not to harbor so many negative feelings for them. Change me. Consume me to the fullest extent so that Your love just oozes out of me. By myself, I am not good at all, and You are the only one with the constant love and forgiveness that can fix this. Heal my heart. Give me a new name and make me Yours 100%. I am here, I am willing, and I am ready. Thank you so much for sending a friend to me tonight that knows my heart enough to know who I really am and wasn't afraid to remind me that I am a good person. I needed that, but there's still so much work to do. Make me more like You.