Friday, May 18, 2012

Who I am is not who I was.

I feel very misunderstood today.

I know, that sounds ridiculously dramatic.

But after a conversation with Mom earlier tonight, there's really no other way for me to feel.  It's like she has absolutely no idea who I am. She still talks to me and about me like I'm some angst-filled, spoiled, 15-year-old brat, and I'm just not.  I used to be, but I'm not anymore.  Anyone who really knows me will tell you I'm not.

And all of this was after talking about a whole list of things that I told her I didn't want to talk to about, but she forced me to, anyway.  I finally tell her as much as I'm willing to tell her, and she cuts me off and tells me to quit being so dramatic.  Like, what was the point of this then?  Besides her getting me all worked up just to tell me what she thinks I'm feeling?

I've never once claimed to have it all figured out.  Trust me, I will be the first to tell you there is still a LOT I don't get about the world and the people I have to deal with in it.  I will also admit that, yes, sometimes I can be immature.  But I have grown up a lot the past few years, as anyone would in my shoes, and she completely undermines everything that I've gone through and everything I've done to make myself better by acting like I'm still the drama queen brat that I did actually used to be.  She still thinks I hate Holly because she's prettier than me or because of the relationship between her and Matt.  Like, really?!  Has she not noticed the fact that Matt and I can go weeks without talking to each other because I am finally secure in us?    Has she not even noticed that the fact that I've had feelings for other guys, which should clue her in to the fact that my feelings for Matt are not what they once were?  Does she really not see how much I've changed?  And why does she not care enough to actually listen to me?

It's so aggravating to sit there and have her tell me "what I'm feeling" or "why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling" as if she's some sort of psychic when she actually doesn't have the slightest clue.  Why can't she just ASK ME what's actually going on in my head?  I'd be willing to tell her just about everything, but there are just some things I don't want to talk to her about (like private conversations with my closest friends) and as a 19-year-old woman, I should at least have the right to that!  Every time she acts this way, it leaves me feeling like she has no respect for me whatsoever.  Add in the fact that she basically told me that the reason Holly and I have no relationship is my fault and I'm overreacting about it, and I pretty much never want to tell her anything that's going on in my heart ever again.

My friends see the real me.  My friends see the transformation that has happened in my life.  Why can't my family?

God, please give me the wisdom in how I need to deal with her.  I'm so frustrated, and clearly every tactic I've tried thus far has gotten me nowhere.  I want her to see, understand, and accept the real me, not these assumptions she has in her head of who I am.  Please show me how to approach this.  I am so lost.

1 comment:

  1. This is either going to help, or make it worse. I sincerely hope it does the former not the latter. Every young woman our age has this problem with her mom. I promise. It's not unique to you and your mom- parents never really think you're grown up. My sister is married and pregnant and it's still the same way for her.