Saturday, May 26, 2012

Weird Weekend

Well, on the upside, I only blew up one friendship this weekend.

Oh, I'll get to that in a minute.  First, the other, less important weird things that have happened so far.

I woke up with a migraine today, and I haven't had a migraine in a long time.  On second thought, that might not be so weird, considering how much I cried last night.

Mom and I started talking about what grad schools I'm going to apply to.  I can't believe I'm going to have to start filling out applications again in a little more than a year!  I can't even remember how this conversation came  out of our finding a hotel to stay at in DC the night before move-in, but it was actually really fun.  All of this has gotten me very excited about my post-Campbell future.  I mean, just think, two years ago from today, I was recovering from having my first foot surgery, and two years from now, I'll be a college graduate headed who knows where.  That's insanely cool (and weird!) to me.  Right now the plans are to apply to George Washington University (DC), American University (DC), NYU (NYC, duh), University of Liverpool (guess where that's at. ha!  they actually have a really good Master's program for International Relations), and NC State as a backup (because they actually have a Master's in International Relations and I'm almost certain I'll get in there).  I'm really excited.  A bit nervous, yes, but mostly very excited.  This summer is going to show me that I really actually can do this.

A girl that Alex knows added me on Facebook tonight.  I only recognized her name because of one time when I was texting him and he said he was hanging out with her.  But I've never met her, so it was a little weird.  When I got the request, I accepted it (because I figured, why not. I know she's a Campbell student), and I texted Alex to ask if he had any idea why she would want to add me, and he said they went out on a date the other night and he talked about me.  I later told Mom about it and she felt bad for me that he's dating other girls when I so clearly have a crush on him, but it really didn't even bother me.  Frankly, I was just surprised that he talked about me on his date with a very pretty girl!  But yeah, I thought it was weird she wanted to add me, but hey, whatever. I'm always up for new friends. :)

Okay, I'll get to the big blowup now.  I really don't want to say who it is, though, because they know about this blog, and I don't want them to think I'm totally airing our friendship (or what was a friendship) out in public.  Um, long story short, I'm an idiot and I did exactly what I've done six hundred times before.  Apparently I got too clingy or needy or whatever and this person said they need space and basically not to talk to them anymore.  The thing is, I didn't even know I was crossing a line.  I mean, I know I'm intense, but this person said they'd be there for me 24/7, but I guess they didn't know what they were signing up for, haha!  So anyway, I spent most of last night crying and hating myself for being an idiot.  Okay, not really hating myself, but hating the fact that I keep making the same mistakes.  If they are reading this, I hope they know how truly sorry I am, how much I care about them, and how much I want to fix this.  I know them well enough to have good reason to believe that if I just give it some time, they will cool off and we can at least talk this out to fix it.  This friendship and this person mean so much to me, the thought of it being over because of this seriously makes me sick.  I want to start crying again just sitting here writing about it.

So uh, that basically sums it up.  I'd really appreciate it if you could pray for a few things regarding that situation: one, that I'll quit beating myself up about it and quit telling myself I am a horrible friend, because I am human and I fail sometimes but that doesn't change that I have a huge heart; two, that because I told this person that I wouldn't contact them again until they told me they'd had enough "space", that they will come back around and forgive me and we can work this out; three, that this person will know how much I really care about them and that I didn't do this on purpose (in fact, going into this, I specifically told myself NOT to do this, and I did it anyway); four, that I can avoid doing this with any of my other relationships (the reason I said "I only screwed up one" at the beginning of the post was because I got concerned for a bit I did the same thing with Alex, but he and I are fine); and five, that I can keep my focus solely on God, which is where it needs to be, and rely on Him alone, which is what this person said the problem was (I was relying on them).

Here's the best reason I can come up with as to why this happens:  Most people have various friendships throughout their childhood, so they learn how to interact with other people and have friendships fairly early, or at least they have much longer time to figure it out.  Until about two years ago, the only friend I'd ever had was Matt.  Only having one friend pretty much naturally means you're going to get attached to that person.  So now that I have more friends, I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm not used to it, so I get intense and I get clingy and it freaks people out.

I guess a good step is that I've recognized that I do this and why I do this, now I need to figure out how to STOP.  Because this kind of pain is a really sickening, horrible feeling to be stuck with.  I want my friend back, and I don't want to do this anymore.  God, please help me.

This song has been great comfort to me today.

1 comment:

  1. So, you want to get a master's in international relations? Cool. At least you have a year to think about where you're going to apply- I've got about 5 months. Scary...

    Praying for you and your relationships.