Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me.

Tonight, I realized something.  That blowup with that friend might have actually been a good thing.

You weren't expecting me to say that, were you?

Frankly, I wasn't expecting to feel this way, either.  But tonight, I saw that it has forced me to come face-to-face with the gravity of my failures.  Failures with this friend, failures with all of my friends, failures with my family, but most importantly, failures with God.

Sometimes I think I get it in my head that I'm so much better than my sisters because I'm not crazy and I'm a Christian and I'm giving to the point I often put everyone else before myself and whatever other excuses I'm willing to feed myself.

That doesn't make me better.  That makes me a cocky little hypocrite.

I fail.  All the time.  Probably more often than I get it right.  As much as I love the people in my life, I have no doubt failed every single one of them.  I've failed them every time I get dependent on them instead of depending on God.  As my friend put it so bluntly tonight, welcome to being human.

This has made me that much more grateful for my life.  Just as I do my best to forgive those who hurt me, I am grateful for the friends I see surrounding me who see my heart beneath all the times I screw up, the ones who love me despite my failures.  I don't have much experience with people actually forgiving me and sticking around and not giving up on me, so this is a new and humbling and completely overwhelming feeling.  I will fail, but I will always do my best to love them right back.

But most of all, my gratitude increases once again for a Father who never quits on me, who never fails, and who is always faithful and patient enough to wait for me to come back to Him.  Lord, let this lesson stick this time, please.  I want to make things right with You above all else.  Thank You for never giving up on me.

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