Saturday, May 5, 2012

How do you balance the two?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude right now, to say the least.

Things that have happened the past few days have just pushed me to the point where I'm so giddy and shocked I can hardly speak.

Within the span of three days, six people have just poured out their love on me, so much love that I don't know what to do with it all besides stand here for a minute and revel in the fact that I am so unbelievably blessed.

Two conversations with Taylor in two days in which I felt my heart be more understood and appreciated than I think it's ever been.  Gabe and Nate staying and helping me load up every last bit of my stuff today, making sure that my mom didn't have to do a THING, and that I barely had to do anything.  Ryann checking on me tonight, knowing fully well that I was apprehensive about coming back here.  Brennan calling me at 12:30 last night and spending half an hour praying with me to help me calm my nerves that I knew satan was preying on, proving he really did mean what he said the night we met, and certainly influencing the way today went with his words.  Alex texting me for two straight hours letting me pour out my heart more than I have ever done with him, asking me questions, complimenting me in the most supportive way, letting me know he was just a phone call away.

Even just typing that all out now, I can't help but think I am so undeserving.  And it's true, a good part of me does feel that way, that I have done nothing that warranted the kind of love that I have received in the past few days.  Alex told me he was grateful for me, and I seriously told him, "Why? I haven't really done anything for you."  Because really, most of that two hours was him learning about and listening to me.  And yet he's grateful for me simply because I'm "super sweet and easy to talk to".  He's grateful that I'm me.  I feel like all of these people are giving me so much, and I can't help but wonder if I'm giving enough to them.

And then, there's a part of me that thinks I must be doing something right.  I must be doing something right to have received all of these blessings.  Otherwise, God wouldn't have given them to me, right?  I must be a good person, or I wouldn't have these incredible friends, right?  I honestly don't know if that will make sense to anyone but me, but I have to get these words out somewhere.

But here's where the title of my post comes in.  How exactly does one balance the two feelings?  How can I feel so undeserving without being self-loathing, and how can I feel proud of myself without being cocky?  I feel like if I focus on the feeling undeserving part of it, then I'll be missing out on the grace that God has given and clearly put right in front of my face.  But if I focus on the pride, then I'll be missing out on the fact that none of this is actually my doing.  How can two such polar opposite feelings cohabitate inside one heart?

I am so, so very far from perfect.  I have so many flaws and I screw up often, as clearly documented on this here blog, but one thing is for sure:  I am striving to be the best person that I can be, the person that God wants me to be, and I do not give up.  I'm determined to make this summer be different, and I have finally learned that the change has to begin with me and with my heart.  Yes, I am too hard on myself sometimes a lot of the time, but when it comes down to it, all I'm really doing is trying to get it right this time.

1 comment:

  1. "How can two such polar opposite feelings cohabitate inside one heart?"

    Maybe with a lot of prayer, and discernment? It's a hard challenge though!How are things with you being at home so far?