Tuesday, August 6, 2013

End of a Chapter

He tried to add me on Facebook today.  I got the notification on my phone when my mom forced me to wake up and eat a sandwich around noon, and all I could think about was wanting to go back to sleep, so I just left it there.  The blessing of an excruciating migraine.

But it was there at the top of my homepage as soon as I opened my computer tonight. "______ added you."  So I did what I said I wanted to do in that post in June, and I sent him a message getting everything off of my chest once and for all.  I told him exactly what he did to me, all the questions he left me with, how badly he broke my heart, how I loved him so much and how much it killed me when he said this was just a joke to him.  I laid everything on the line for him and said that unless he could give me the full truth with no vague statements or diversions, then I didn't want him to ever contact me again.  I'm not interested in getting my heart broken again by a guy who did nothing but use me.  And then I deleted the request.

And then I texted the person with whom my relationship was nearly destroyed because of him, and told her exactly what went down, even that I sent him a message to get some peace and closure because whether she believed it or not, he broke my heart, too.  I was scared she'd be mad, but she wasn't.  She was just happy that I'd told her straight up what happened.  I knew if I didn't, he would.  She's forgiven me for everything that happened last year, for the fact that I ever chose him over her in the first place, so it's time I work on forgiving myself for the same.

I told Matt about it later, even going so far as to send him a copy of the message I sent to the boy.  His response what that I totally "shut him down", meaning there's nothing left for the boy to say back.  I told him that part of me thinks he won't respond because I know how big of a coward he really is, but part of me thinks he will because he can't stand not having the last word or being called out on his crap.  Matt said "we'll see what he plays", and without even thinking about it, I wrote back "Either way, it doesn't matter.  I'm done.  I've said my piece."

Finally, I can honestly say that I'm done with him.  I said everything that I wanted to say, and confronted him with everything that he did.  There's a lot of peace to be found in that, because the lingering torture I've felt over this had so much less to do with him and more to do with the fact that I didn't have an ending.  I didn't get to call him out on everything he did to me or all the questions he left me with.  And the beauty of Facebook messages is that I knew instantly that he saw the message.

So even if he doesn't have anything to say, maybe at least it'll make him think.  And maybe, just maybe, it'll make him understand what he did.  I don't want him to fix it.  I just don't want him to do this to someone else.

I've said what I needed to say, so it's time I turn that page and leave that chapter of my life right where it belongs...in the past.

Love her or hate her, there are two Taylor Swift songs that fit perfectly with this.  (I may or may not have included one of them in the message.)  Music speaks to me, it always has.

"Dear John" (since she doesn't have a music video for this one, I'm settling for a lyric video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91KpL8bu7fM


Particularly "Well, maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame.  Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away.  And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said 'Run as fast as you can.'"

Second, "I Knew You Were Trouble".  This is the one I sent him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNoKguSdy4Y


Spoken:  I think - I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know?  It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.  It just all comes back.  But he never does.  I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.  It's not really anything he said or anything he did.  It was the feeling that came along with it.  And the crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.  But I don't know if I should.  I knew his world moved too fast, and burned too bright.  But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?  Maybe he knew that when he saw me.  I guess I just lost my balance.  I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.  It was losing me.

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone

You found me, you found me, you found me
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard, you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been

'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in 

So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

No apologies, he'll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning
And I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
 And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me, hey!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been

'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in 

So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah


I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been

'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there)

So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble

Spoken:  I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.

For once, saying goodbye and letting go...didn't hurt a bit.

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