Love That Lasts {A Review}

For the record, I got an advanced PDF copy of the book for being on the launch team, but that has absolutely no bearing on anything I'm about to write. All of this is 100% genuine.

Love That Lasts: How We Discovered God's Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex

Love That Lasts is the upcoming book from Jeff and Alyssa Bethke. Jeff is the author of Jesus > Religion and It's Not What You Think, and Alyssa is the co-author of Spoken For, but this is the first book that they have written together. After being part of all three of their previous launch teams, I knew that I wanted to be a part of this one, too. The Bethkes have been teachers to me from the very beginning of my walk as a Christian, and as they grow and create more work, they seem to say exactly what I need at that time. They have been such blessings in my life, and I'm so thankful to be able to help them out.

This book walks through Jeff and Alyssa's stories, from their childhoods, to their meeting, dating, engagement, and marriage. They came from polar opposite backgrounds pretty much, so from the get-go, the book gives you the feeling of no matter where you come from or what you've been through, there's something here for you, because they get it. Jeff is admirably raw about the darkness of his childhood, the mistakes he made, the ways he objectified and mistreated women, and Alyssa gives an inside look to the "purity culture" and shows that those "good Christian kids" that you think have it all together and know how to follow the rules are just as broken and hurting as the "outsiders" by confessing an eating disorder she struggled with for years. These two waste no time in telling the ugly truth, in showing you where they started so they can take you on the journey of how far God has brought them.

The chapter that stood out to me the most was Chapter 4, "Riding Solo," because, well, I am currently riding solo and have been my entire life. Honestly, before I read this chapter, it always baffled me to know that Alyssa had been single her whole life until she met Jeff. She's beautiful (seriously), kind, smart, funny, I didn't get how she had never dated anyone before Jeff...Then, I read the first few sentences of Chapter 4: 

"I've often heard it said that there are girls boys date, and there are girls boys marry. Well, growing up, I fell into the "girls boys marry category" - the non-flirty girls who like to have fun but are the deeper, quieter, more stable types. Which, looking back, was a good thing, but at the time, I thought it sucked. Guys, I just wanted to go on a date...But I was the kind of girl you only got involved with if you were ready to get down on one knee. And that ruled out most - or all - guys." 

And I was like ohhhhh, I get it. I'm the stable one, the one who always ends up in the friend zone, the sister. I'm not quiet (by any means), and I like to have fun, but not the kind of fun that screams "date me!", at least, not in this age. I went on a few dates when I was in New York, but I either got "friend zoned," or the guy decided he wanted a casual thing and it never turned into anything. So I've basically lived with this feeling of "when is it going to be my turn?!" as I watch all of my friends find their person, get engaged, get married. But as I read through Chapter 4, it felt like Alyssa was speaking straight to me. 

God is giving you what is best in this very moment. You can trust His good work in your life. God is writing a good story just for you. It's your story. It doesn't look like anyone else's story. It's unique and set apart and beautiful. Even if it doesn't feel beautiful or is not what you would have written, it's good, and if you let Him, He will bring you into joy that you never thought possible.

I know some are still longing, though. Still waiting. As you hope in God, as you fight to believe His promises, you can pray. Run to God with everything. Roll your every burden to the Lord. Tell Him your ache. Your pain. Your longing. Your hopes and dreams. Your deep desires. Cry out to Him. Give thanks to Him. Lift your potential husband up to Him. Ask Him to make you into the person that He wants you to be. Pray for your future spouse. Pray faithfully. Pray for their heart, their character, their mind, their hopes, for healing and wholeness. You get the opportunity to join God in the work that He's doing in their life! It's not in vain.

Sometimes, I forget the fact that I've said countless times that I want God to have control of my story. It's like I've said it about every aspect of my life except this. This chapter, and these quotes in particular, reminded me that there is a purpose in this season, and that I don't have to just sit and wait impatiently. I can actually do something, and maybe while doing that, not only will I grow closer to God, I'll find the peace I desperately want.

The other section of the book that spoke to me the most were Alyssa and Jeff's chapters on sex. (Each chapter in the book is written by one of them rotating between them.) Let's face it, your sex drive doesn't wait to show up until you're married. (Life would be a lot less complicated if it did!) And it's something that I've been struggling with, especially in the past year or so, but honestly, my view of sex has been twisted since I was a young teenager. I had decided I was going to wait until I was married to have sex, and my mom told me she thought I shouldn't do that.

As Alyssa says in Chapter 14:

"While everyone's experience with sex is different, I would argue that regardless of where you fall on the spectrum - multiple partners, living with your boyfriend or girlfriend, abuse, porn, going to third base, or falling on the other side of the spectrum as a virgin, never have kissed someone, wearing a purity ring - we all need healing in some way in this area."

I couldn't agree more. It feels like either sex is seen as some taboo thing not to be discussed, or it's casual and meaningless, and there's no in-between. And it ends up being the thing a lot of us get in our heads as the way to get the intimacy we want, because we don't know how to get it any other way. When I was in New York, I went further with a guy, basically just short of sex, than I should have, and I regret it now, basically because I wanted him to want me. (You can imagine how well that worked out.)

While Alyssa came from the purity culture, Jeff came from the world of casual sex and talks about how that damaged his view on women.

Sex, girls, and the chase consumed me. I can say that now, after looking back, but when I was nineteen, I know for a fact I wouldn't have admitted - or even known - that was why I woke up every morning. But it was what made me tick. Ultimately it was about gratification. Satisfaction. That brief moment in time when pain, shame, and guilt seem to be a distant memory. Euphoria. That moment of connectedness. A hollow one, though. A cheaper one. A bastard stepchild version of true nakedness.

In Chapter 5, he tells in detail how his porn addiction started, grew, and created "monster-like qualities" in him.

I became incredibly selfish. Fast tempered. Had a horrible view of women that played itself out in every single relationship before Alyssa.

But, as only God could pull off, his YouTube career started when he wrote his first poem, a poem called "Sexual Healing," for an open mic night and people actually loved it and related to it. In Chapter 15, he writes:

I realized just how hungry we all are - for intimacy, for connection, for life. And how we know deep in our hearts that the current promise of sex isn't cutting it, no matter how hard we fake it. There is a better way. And Jesus is inviting us into it with open arms.

While I couldn't relate to everything they said right now, because I'm not dating, engaged, or married, there is wisdom in this book that I know I can save and use for years to come, when I am in a relationship and marriage. There truly is something in this book for everyone. For married couples, to help you through issues you may not even realize you have. For engaged couples, to give you tools and help prepare you for marriage. For dating couples, to give you wisdom about your relationship, your future, and whether this is the relationship/person God intends you to be in/with for life. For single people like me, who may have made an idol out of marriage and relationships and need to remember that God is here, and He is first, even when we feel forgotten or ignored.

And for couples, there are also Love That Lasts workbooks, one For Him, one For Her, written individually by Jeff and Alyssa, with exercises to help strengthen your relationship and help you learn how to love and serve your partner better.

I truly believe that this is a book that will impact your life and your heart. We are creatures that desire love. We all want relationship and intimacy. We want to love and be loved. I believe this book will help us learn how to seek, find, grow, and keep the kind of love that God has wanted for us all along. The tools and wisdom in this book can help each of us find Love That Lasts.

Love That Lasts: How We Discovered God's Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex by Jefferson "Jeff" and Alyssa Bethke releases on October 10, 2017. You can pre-order it at their website here, on Amazon here, or at Barnes & Noble here. 

Seamless

Oh man. This study right here, Seamless, this is one of the best decisions I've ever made. It's 165 pages of teaching, but also laughter and love and excitement and everything I knew I was missing but was too scared to go look for.  Because here's the truth, y'all: as much as I love the Lord, and as important as people know my faith is to me, reading my Bible has been almost non-existent. And it makes me feel like a complete fraud. It wasn't necessarily because I didn't want to, more because I didn't know where to begin and procrastination is the best way to protect a perfectionist from the pain of rejection and failure. 

But I spent the month of June doing this study after it had been sitting on my shelf for years (and I only missed/had to play catch up on 3 days, which is amazing because I lack discipline), and now I can't wait to read more. I feel like I have the tools to begin without feeling overwhelmed, like it will make more sense to me and less like I'm reading gibberish. I love that I have this study and my notes from it to go back to to help keep people and details straight. I think that was one of my biggest issues before, and why it all seemed so confusing. 

Starting out, I didn't know how Angie was going to fit 66 books into 6 weeks of study, but she did, and she did it so beautifully, and I couldn't be more excited. Now, it really does feel more like a love letter than anything. All the glory to God. 😊❤️

New experience? CHECK!

Yesterday, I went to the opera.

That is THE Metropolitan Opera House.

To see this.

Tannhaüser by Wagner. My European Culture professor got us all tickets. Nicest professor ever.

We sat all the way up here.

On the highest level, but outside the theater, it gave me a cool view of everyone and everything else.

This was my face after Act 1.

Partially because the entire thing was in German so I didn't have the slightest clue as to what was happening. And partially because the cast and orchestra were PHENOMENAL.

It wasn't as ornate of a theater as I expected, but it was still beautiful. It was surreal to get to be there. I never thought I'd be at the Met at 23!

This was my favorite part of all, though. Lincoln Center Plaza all lit up. Left to right, these are the homes of the New York City Ballet, the Metropolitan Opera, and the New York Philharmonic. Just amazing to see these famous theaters up close.

All in all, the opera was a great experience, and I'm definitely glad I went. (I would've been a fool not to go when the ticket was free!) But I don't know if I'd do it again. Listening to people, no matter how talented they are, scream-sing at you in a language you don't know for 3.5 hours (thank God for long intermissions) is not a very comfortable experience. I had a massive headache before the first act was over.

But like I said, it was cool to see and a bit surreal, and it's very nice to be able to say I've been to an opera at the Met, so I definitely don't regret it in the least. :)

(PS Today is the launch day for Jeff Bethke's new book "It's Not What You Think"! Read my review here and go get it!)

It's Not What You Think {A Review}

For the record, getting an advanced PDF copy of the book for being on the launch team has absolutely no bearing on anything I'm about to write. I'd love this book just as much and probably still write this post if it were October. All of this is 100% genuine.

It's Not What You Think: Why Christianity is About So Much More than Going to Heaven When You Die

It's Not What You Think is the upcoming second book from Jeff Bethke. After being a part of the launch teams for his first book and his wife Alyssa's book, I knew I wanted to be a part of this one and continue to help spread the message Jeff has to share. His first book, Jesus > Religion, is one of my favorite books of all-time and helped heal so many wounds from my past, so I feel this sense of utter gratitude for Jeff, his words, and his passion for helping others. As it turns out, though, I'm the lucky one because it feels like such a honor to be able to read this book.

While Jesus > Religion, I thought, seemed mostly geared toward non-believers, this book's message focuses on taking different concepts and ideas and showing believers what they really mean, what God intends them to be. Jeff shows such wisdom in his words, but never once does he sound like a professor lecturing you or take a holier-than-thou attitude pointing out everything you have gotten wrong. His tone is that of a friend, someone who understands where you are but doesn't want to leave you there; he shows love and grace through every word and clearly wants to help his readers understand God's heart more clearly. I would guess that this gentleness in his writing stems from the fact that he didn't go through school to study and teach this; Jeff understands the "normal, average person" because he is just a normal, average guy...who just so happens to have gotten famous from a YouTube video.

In Chapter 6, titled "Worship's Not What You Think: You Become What You Behold," Jeff details the story of breaking his collarbone during a baseball game, and how having his playing career ripped away from him rocked his world. How not being able to play helped him to realize how baseball had become his god, because he saw how his identity was wrapped up in that game and his performance. As soon as he began telling this story, I knew exactly where he was going, and I immediately thought of the fall of 2009, when having those six brain surgeries ripped away my chance to start college. Looking back, I can tell that that hurt so badly wasn't just because of the medical stress, or how desperate I was to start the next chapter of my life; it was because my education was my god. Because of my physical disabilities and health issues, school had always been the one thing I was really good at. I didn't just take pride in my grades; I beat myself up if I didn't do as well as I thought I should have. I would get serious anxiety while waiting on grades over major assignments, papers, or projects. One of my constant goals was to make my mom proud by how well I did in school. So when I didn't get to go to college that August, and when so many near-death experiences made it questionable whether I would ever get to go to college, my identity was torn to shreds. The thing I had spent my whole life worshiping was on the verge of being totally taken away from me. It's only been recently that I recognized this, but now, I can see that God used that time to lead me to the point when I would learn where my identity truly belongs.

Identity is a lesson permeating all the chapters of this book. In Chapter 4, Jeff uses the analogy of a king's guards and his children to help the reader examine who they truly see themselves as. Which picture more describes your relationship with God? Are you terrified you are going to mess up all the time, or are you playfully running around God's throne knowing your dad is the King of the universe? I'm definitely the first one. I've always been the first one, long before I gave myself and my life to God. And I'm still trying to figure out how to change that. But this chapter, and this analogy in particular, really helped me examine my heart in detail and think about why it is I see myself this way, even when I know how God sees me. Jeff references Abraham Heschel on a later page, who said, "The greatest sin of man is to forget that he is a prince." Boom. I've been dishonoring God by treating myself as a broken failure constantly trying to be good enough instead of the creation He made, His image-bearer, a child of the King. I am a princess. There's no arguing with that.

On one page, Jeff explicitly says, "Saying yes to Jesus is just the beginning." I remember the night I became a Christian and got baptized; I'd heard for so long of all the great things that would come once I "got saved" that I thought suddenly everything would get easier and better afterwards...Then I ended up in the hospital two days later. So much for that idea, right? Almost immediately into my life as a Christian, I had to realize that life was still going to be just as hard as before, if not harder; the only difference was that now, I had a new perspective on everything and a new hope to get through it. Three and a half years later, and I still have to remind myself of that lesson and the hope that comes in Jesus in the middle of the darkness.

That brings me to another point that really jumped out at me. In Chapter 4, "You're Not Who You Think," Jeff dives into the meaning of "the wilderness," and the good that can come from that which we see as simply ugly, painful, and broken. (emphasis mine) "The wilderness represented death, ache, pain, no food, and thirst. Yet God said He was going to lure them into the wilderness. There's this romance in that word lure; it's as if God is wooing them into the wilderness. He wanted to speak tenderly to them. God sees the wilderness as a special place between us and him. What if we stopped rejecting it?" That passage right there, that takes every time I've ever pleaded with God to give me a break and make the pain and sickness go away, and makes it seem silly. My friend Taylor once told me that people like him who have lived virtually pain-free lives will be envious of the intimacy with Jesus that I have experienced through hurting. Yet I have spent so much time begging for a way out. Thank you, Jeff, for helping me see that the wilderness can help me see God clearer than ever before.

Then there is Chapter 8: "Brokenness Is Not What You Think: You Must Embrace Your Scars." Oh man. I think I was about three pages into this chapter when I started crying. Scars from my past have always been something I've struggled greatly with. And I'm not talking about my many surgical scars; those have been easy to come to terms with compared to the emotional scars that still sometimes feel so raw and fresh years after the fact. Most of the time, they're healed, they're just scars. You can ask me about them and my past, and I will find great joy in telling you my story because it means I get to tell you about the God who saved me time and time again, how God brought beauty from the ashes of a very broken little girl who thought she had nothing else. But sometimes, talk of the scars seems to rip them fresh open, and guilt, regret, and pain hit me like a tidal wave all over again. Like Jeff, I begin to question why I feel that way when I thought I was healed. There's a delicate balance, because I can't always tell in advance how I will feel if someone asks me a question.

But then I remember the day I met The Vespers, and how it felt to tell my story for the first time. I laid out every detail of my past to a stranger in the middle of the dining hall. How it felt to be wrecked by fear that Bruno would think I was a freak and recoil in horror, but instead to have him look at me with grace in his eyes and empathy and encouragement in his words. That day was when I began to understand that my story wasn't as dark and ugly as I thought it was; from the outside, people could see redemption and strength and miracles. Slowly, I began to understand that, and after I became a Christian, it became even more clear to me. That's why I tell people now that sharing my story is actually really fun for me, not because it gives me an excuse to talk to people, but because I get to tell people about all the amazing things God has done. I get to show people the kind of miracles God can pull off when the world says there's no hope. I get to show people my scars and say, "Look how far God has brought me."

I think the difference between me before talking to Bruno and me after is that I understand now that scars aren't something to hide away. I don't have to pretend they don't exist. Jeff says it so beautifully (emphasis mine). "They tell a story. What's more, after the resurrection Jesus is in a perfect glorified body. (His body is what ours will look like at the end of time when everything is fully restored.) Yet he still has scars. While many of us see scars as a weakness, if Jesus has scars after the resurrection, then maybe they're not. Maybe scars make us truly human. They show we've lived." Thank you, Jeff, for the reminder that the scars of life are a chance to boast in our weakness so that we can also boast of God's power. 

Christians, let me say this very simply: You NEED to read this book. It's not that I'm telling you that you should because I like Jeff and I like supporting him. I'm telling you that you need to read this book because there is healing to be found in these pages. We all have scars. We all have identity crises. (At least, anyone I've ever met does.) Jeff's words will help you move past those and dance freely in the person you were created to be: clean, righteous, enough. For me, with this book, Jeff has brought me and my soul back to the heart of who God sees me as and the potential I have as an image-bearer and child of the King of the universe. This book will remind you to slow down in the busyness of life, reconnect with the people you love, and go back and sit at the feet of the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine. It is filled with lessons and a new perspective on what it means to be Christians and Jesus-followers in this world, and how maybe we should be helping bring God here now instead of running from it. I can almost guarantee you that there you have a perspective on and understand of something in this book that will be flipped on its head and be made bright and clear. Things that you may have become complacent in your understanding of, Jeff helps make it clear that It's Not What You Think. It's so much better. 

It's Not What You Think: Why Christianity is About So Much More than Going to Heaven When You Die by Jefferson "Jeff" Bethke releases on October 13, 2015. You can pre-order it on Amazon here or at Barnes & Noble here.

You are SPOKEN FOR. {A Review}

I received an early copy of this book as part of being a member of the launch team for me to write this review in preparation for the release.  That in no way affects what I am about to write.  All thoughts and opinions are 100% my genuine excitement.

Spoken For: Embracing Who You Are and Whose You Are

I first heard about this book because Alyssa is Jeff Bethke's wife.  I follow him on Twitter, so I've known since the day that Alyssa signed her book deal.  What I didn't know at first is that she was co-writing this book with Robin Gunn, a well-known Christian writer, who, ironically, wrote a series that had greatly impacted Alyssa's walk with the Lord.  If that doesn't tell you this was just meant to be, I don't know what will.  :)  Then, I heard about the title.  It was one of those things that hit me right in the heart.  I knew immediately that I had to get this book.  I joined the street team because I instinctively knew that this book had a message that girls and women everywhere need to hear.

Well, I was right.  I would buy a copy of this book for every female that I know if I could afford it.  I read this book all at once, in one long car ride, because I just couldn't put it down.  I found myself thinking "Wow, that's so true," more times than I can count.  Every sentence serves a distinct and powerful purpose soaked in God's Truth to remind the reader of how passionately she is loved and how she is seen by the God who created her.  Robin and Alyssa each make themselves so vulnerable throughout the book, sharing pieces of their pasts to let you know that they get it, that someone else has walked through the heartache you face now or have faced before.  They share details of their romances with their husbands from their beginnings, which gives so much insight as to what true, God-focused relationships look like and how even Christians face hard times, questions, and doubts.  Those stories prove yet again, however, that God will take those painful experiences with your boyfriend or fiancé or husband and grow you both.  Robin and Alyssa show you that the pain, as awful as it is in the midst of it, becomes so beautiful with time.

As beautiful as the stories of the relationships with their husbands are, though, they don't even compare to the mission that Robin and Alyssa have from the first word of the first chapter.  Each chapter title is a truth about God and who we are in God's eyes.  An Epic Love Story - Yours, You Are Wanted, You Are Pursued, You Are Loved, You Have Been Called, You Are of Great Value, You Are a Peculiar Treasure, You Are Set Free, You Are Covered, You Are Promised, and last, You Are Spoken For.  In the first chapter, they write, "The desire to be loved, cherished, and adored never goes away.  All of us long to believe someone is out there who wants us.  Someone who will come for us.  Someone who will take the role of the hero in our lives and love us, deeply love us, not for what we do or how we look but simply for who we are.  What if you could know that you are loved that intensely?  You are sought after.  You are the bride-to-be in a love story that's unfolding in your life right this minute.  You are spoken for......Our goal is simple.  We want you to see what happens when you respond to the invitation of the true Bridegroom and step into the center of an epic love story - yours."  I had tears in my eyes that early on, and people who know me know that I don't cry easily at books or movies or anything like that, so I knew that something big was going to happen as I worked my way through these pages.

I was right.  I found such healing in these women's words.  When I applied for the launch team, I told them that my identity has always been something I struggled greatly with.  Growing up as a girl who lost her father before I was old enough to remember him left me without the immensely valuable lesson of what I was worth and how I was supposed to be treated.  A father is the first male figure to teach a little girl how loved she is and how beautiful she is, and even though everyone tells me that that's the kind of father my dad was, I lost the chance to grow up with that imprinted on my heart.  Add into that the fact that I grew up as a non-believer, and I had absolutely no understanding of my worth.  I let myself be abused time and time again by guys who never cared about me, let alone respected me, because I was so desperate for attention, for a guy to validate my existence, that I thought it was all I could get, and I believed that it was my fault when I turned out not to be "good enough" to keep any of them around.

"You Are Wanted" was a particularly powerful chapter for me, because it focused right in on some of my most persistent fears - that I'll never have a husband and children, that the fact that I'm almost 22 years old and have never had a boyfriend says for itself what a freak I am and how unworthy I am, that the lies I've heard from my sister for as long as I can remember about how no man will ever want me romantically will actually turn out to be true.  (I laughed a little, I'm not going to lie, when I read that Jeff was Alyssa's first boyfriend and they didn't start dating until she was 22.)  I often tell myself I'm too emotional, too intense, too _______ for anyone to want to be with me.  I spend so much time focusing on my imperfections, my shortcomings, my failures, that it's terribly difficult for me to imagine anyone wanting me, let alone the King of the Universe.  But God wants me.  God is calling for me.  Even now.  I gave my heart to the Lord almost two years ago, but my Father still desperately wants me to see Him as my First Love.

Through Robin and Alyssa's book, I finally began to wrap my mind around what God sees when He looks at me.  That God looks at me not just as a proud father looks at his daughter, but as a groom passionately in love with his bride.  The love story I've spent so long waiting for has already been here waiting, and I didn't even realize it.  For every time that I've felt utterly heartbroken, the One who loves me enough to die for me has been there waiting for me to see what is greater, what He has wanted to give me all along.

This is one book I'm sure I'll be reading more than once.  These lessons aren't going to stick the first time, that's one thing I've learned by now, but they're ones I need and ones that are spelled out so kindly and patiently and compassionately in this book.  I can stop searching for boys to tell me I'm worthy of love because I'm going to start listening to the One who knows better than they do, the One who created me and loves me more fiercely than I can imagine.  When a man comes along who models THAT love in the way that he loves me and fights for me, the relentless, unswerving, passionate, selfless love of the Lord, then I'll explore the possibilities for the future, but until then, I'm more than okay.  The Lord has claimed me as His peculiar treasure.  I am already Spoken For.

And guess what, sweet sister.  So are you.  Read this book if you want to see what I mean.

"Spoken For: Embracing Who You Are and Whose You Are" by Robin Jones Gunn and Alyssa Joy Bethke releases on April 15, 2014.  You can pre-order it on Amazon here or at Barnes & Noble here.

And?

I made my confession, never looking him in the eye because I knew I couldn't without falling apart.  And then I finally looked at him, cautiously waiting for his reaction.  Waiting for the hammer to fall.  Waiting for him to get up, hurl words of condemnation, and walk out of the room.  

Instead, he looked me straight in the eye, never wavering, and said, "And?"

...even though I thought I understood what grace looked like, I really had no idea how deep and wide the mercy of Christ is.  That he looks at us when we lay ourselves bare before him, with all our ugly truths and realities, and says, "And?"

~ Melanie Shankle, Big Mama, "The Antelope in the Living Room"

I find it funny that a scene from a book on marriage would be the first thing that popped into my head after what happened tonight, but it did.  And I knew I wanted to include it here, because Melanie's words mirror exactly what happened tonight, just in a different scenario, and she did it much more beautifully than I ever could have.  (Also, go buy that book!  And her first one, "Sparkly Green Earrings".  I'm not a wife or a mom (obviously) and I laughed until I cried from the beginning to the end of each of them.)

I'm not sure if I've ever written something out here.  I'm going to err on the side of no because of the fear that the person it was about might actually find it, but now he knows, so there's no holding back.  But if I have already said this here, sorry, just go with it.  This isn't the important part anyway.

I have feelings for Austin.  Shocker, I know.  I have since November, but I didn't tell him because I was scared.  Again, another shocker.  Scared that it would change everything.  Scared that I'd embarrass myself.  Scared that I'd lose him.  And I continued not to tell him because I had a pretty good feeling that he wasn't interested.  Austin's an introvert, yes, but with the people he's close to, he can't hide anything, and considering I can look at him and tell when he's having a bad day without him saying a word, it's safe to say I know him pretty well.

But last Thursday, when I was talking to my friend Lauren, and the conversation turned to him and my feelings for him.  We discussed why I hadn't told him, and particularly how I had this fear that it would ruin our friendship.  That sweet girl point blank asked, "But do you really think Austin is the kind of person who would ditch your friendship over this?"  I had to say no.  The fact that he's one of the kindest people I've ever come across in my life is one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place.  I couldn't honestly see him freaking out at me over this, but anyone who's been in this situation before (which is, I'm pretty sure, everyone who ever lived) knows that that fear will run through your head whether it's logical or not.  And gosh knows there have been times that I've been in this situation where I didn't expect the guy to freak out about it and he did and I lost someone I cared about very much.  So I was nervous.  But after talking it out with her, I decided that I was going to tell him, because if I didn't, I knew there was no way I'd get over it.  Too much of my heart is invested in my friendship with him.

I couldn't do it Thursday night because he was going to bed early, and then he left first thing Friday morning and was gone all weekend, and when I texted him yesterday he said that he needed the night to study for a test, but that I could come by tonight.  I had told him the general time, and when I got to his room, he wasn't there but he was on his way back to his room.  He walked in a minute later, and he had a group of guys with him, but luckily they went in the lobby without me even asking for it, so we stepped in his room (right off the lobby) to talk.

All I could think was "Don't cry.  Don't freak out.  Don't stutter.  Just get it out."  And this is where Melanie's words come into play, because for some reason, I couldn't keep eye contact with him.  I spent most of the time staring at his bed, just willing myself to keep talking and get out what I needed to say without sounding stupid.  When I finished, and I finally really did connect gazes with him, he was...Austin.  He was the kind of person that is exactly the reason we clicked instantly in the beginning with all the qualities that made me grow to love him as much as I do.  He barely took a breath before he said, "Well that's okay."  He said what he needed to say, and I honestly don't remember all of it, but I do remember one specific thing.  "This changes nothing."  That? Was exactly what I needed to hear.

In all of my nerves, I lost sight of something I've known from the very first conversation we had: Austin knows grace.  Austin knows grace, and he understands how to give it better than just about anyone I've ever met.  I've told him some pretty big things about my past, and with each of them, it was as if he had looked at me and said "And?".  There was no (logical) reason to think tonight would be any different, and I am so thankful that I was right.  Because now I can go to dinner tomorrow with one of my best friends and know that everything is okay, that everything is exactly the way it should be.

The biggest reason that I am thankful for Austin, though, is that no matter what the situation is, no matter what is going on or what either of us is dealing with, he constantly points me back to the Lord, whether he realizes it or not.  And tonight, as I walked back to my room from his, all I could think about was the fact that the grace God has for me is infinitely deeper and wider than the grace that Austin has shown me over the past 5 months.  I was reminded that I don't have to be ashamed to tell God what is on my heart, not just because God already knows it, but because grace will cover it regardless of how bad or stupid I think it is.  It's still hard for me to accept the fact that God loves me endlessly regardless of what I do or don't do.  God doesn't see our mistakes, only the pure, clean righteousness of Jesus.  God's grace really is amazing.

And it's grace that I know allowed Austin to look at me tonight and tell me it was okay and that I am still one of his favorite people, a kind of grace I pray I learn how to show to people even more than I do now.  I want to look at everyone in my life, no matter who they are or where they've been or what I think they "deserve", when they make themselves vulnerable enough to show me their flaws and shortcomings and ugly truths, and only have one thing to say in return:

"And?  This changes nothing."

When I don't feel like it.

Last week, I was texting a friend about how I was feeling in all of the health stuff that has been piling up the past few months.  Because I'm terrible at putting up a facade in any circumstance, and I knew she was kind and would care, I was open about what I've been struggling with, in both facing the issues themselves and the impact they had on my faith.  Her response felt quite harsh at the time.  Without even pulling out my phone, I can tell you that part of it said, "Quit thinking about you.  Start thinking about God."  I felt completely invalidated, and started to wonder if I I was a terrible Christian because I was feeling upset and hurt and all of those other things.

I started reading Angie Smith's newest book Chasing God last night.  Chapter 4 is all about feelings versus willpower, and let me tell you, it flipped my perspective on its head.  Something I have mentioned to a few friends lately is that I've felt like my prayers have been hitting the ceiling, and that I haven't felt God's presence when I really need to now like I have in the past.  The texts from that friend were rattling around my head, causing me to question what I was doing with my faith and if I was losing grip of everything that has been my rock in the past almost-two years.  And then I saw these two quotes.

"People are often worried...they are told they ought to love God.  They cannot find any such feelings in themselves.  What are they to do?  The answer is the same as before.  Act as if you did.  Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings.  Ask yourself, 'If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?'  When you have found the answer, go and do it." - C.S. Lewis

"The mistake we make is in assuming our feelings indicate the quality of our faith." - Angie Smith, "Chasing God" page 84

Boom.  Whether or not I feel like God is here doesn't change the fact that He is.  And whether or not I feel in love with God doesn't change the fact that I surrendered myself to Him in that big, strange-yet-familiar Nashville church 21.5 months ago.  Feelings change; facts don't.  The knowledge that I am His and that His love for me spreads further than I can ever imagine is something that will be true from now until I am face down at His throne, praising Him for all He's done.

This feeler is learning that God doesn't really care about my feelings.  He cares about my heart.  And as Angie says in her book, He cares about my obedience.  He cares that I trust Him even when I'm confused, and even when I feel like another way besides His way is better.  He cares that I obey what He asks of me even when I'm not sure it's Him doing the asking.  He cares that I say "I don't see You, but I am believing You see me." (also page 84 of Chasing God)

That last sentence there, that's probably the hardest part of all of this for me.  When I'm feeling (there's that word again!) abandoned, I have a much too high tendency to just shut down and pretend that whoever I feel has done the abandoning isn't there anymore.  If I think you've abandoned me, then I'm going to turn my back on you, too.  One of the things that friend who sent me those seemingly-painful texts last week said was that I had to keep talking to God, anyway.  In retrospect, I realize that that is the only way this tough time could further my relationship with Him, but at the time, I just blew it off.  What was I going to say?  Why would I say things I didn't feel like I meant to a God who knew everything I felt before I ever said a word, anyway?

Now, I'm beginning to see that the reason I need to keep talking to God even when I don't feel like it isn't because He wants to know what's going on with me.  He already knows what's going on with me.  (That whole omniscient thing kind of comes in handy.)  It's because He craves relationship with each of His children.  He wants to hear from me so that I stay closer to Him than anything else.

If I follow what God is calling me to do and where He is calling me to go even when I don't feel like it, the feelings will come (eventually), the stress and anxiety will die, and I will find rest in the One who ransomed my soul.

(I can't wait to see what else I learn as I finish this book!!!)

Good thing we're going to the late service tomorrow.

Because if we were going to the 9 am like we usually do, the wake-up call in the morning would be rough considering it's about 2:30 am now and I'm just getting into bed.  But TJ, the guy who gives me a ride every week, has a friend who is getting baptized at the 11 am service, so we're going to that. So yay for 2 extra hours of sleep.

Today was...blah.  My head wouldn't cooperate much as I tried to make my way through this Hitler book that I am super behind on for my review that is due on Thursday, so I sort of read in spurts and took about hour-long naps in between.  I ate when necessary and did my laundry late tonight when no one was in my way.

Other than that, I did take a break to participate in a Google hangout as part of the Jesus > Religion street team.  Members have been getting together weekly to discuss a couple chapters of the book at a time, but I work during those shows, so I can't participate.  Since there were apparently several of us who mentioned we were unavailable during that hour (because really, there's no way to get 150+ people free at the same time), the guys who came up with the whole idea created a "Follow Up" show where people can discuss questions that came out of the main episode and any other ideas that we had.  It was really, really cool.  The people on the call with me were super nice, and we all got to talk, and I was able to share pieces of my story that tied into the main episode from Tuesday, pieces from Jeff's book, as well as just what we were talking about during the chat.  After Josh and Emily, the other two on the call, had signed off, the other girl, Rebeka, and I were able to chat for a minute and she gave me some really sweet advice about life and my family.  It was sweet.  I feel like I'm making friends all across the country through this thing, and we're all just a bunch of people who are trying to promote Jeff's book, but more importantly, make Jesus famous.  It's awesome.

Oh, and in a total "SMALL WORLD!" moment, this week I found out that one of the members of the Street Team is a member of Pastor Chris's church and I'll get to meet her in December!  That was crazy to find out.

Um yeah, that's about it.  I'm crashing now.  Church in the morning, and then back to working on this Hitler book & review.

Yay college.

Jesus > Religion {A Review}

First, just to be on the up and up, yes, I did receive a free advanced PDF copy of the book as part of being selected to join the street team in preparation for its launch coming next month, but that in no way affected what I am about to tell you.  I have been anxiously awaiting this book for months, and I know that I would still be writing this post even if I had had to wait until next month to read it.  Just to make that clear.  All thoughts that follow are 100% my own genuine excitement.

Jesus > Religion: Why He is So Much Better than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough

Jefferson "Jeff" Bethke is not a pastor, or a theologian, or a Bible professor.  He doesn't have a degree to make him "qualified" to write a book like this.  He makes it explicitly clear from the start that he is just a regular, messed up, twenty-something guy from Washington who accidentally got famous from a poem he put on YouTube, and he's taking advantage of a platform and an opportunity he's been given to tell anyone who will listen to him about Jesus.  As he writes in his introduction, A crooked stick can still draw a straight line, and a messed-up dude like me can still write about an awesome God.  I've tasted grace and can't help but tell others about it.  That's one of the first things that attracted me to Jeff; he doesn't try to make you think he's anything bigger or greater than he is, and he earnestly doesn't want the attention he gets to be about anything other than the God that he serves.  Jeff fills this book with personal stories on his journey of coming to know Jesus, letting every reader know that he sees himself on the same level as you.  As for that line in his introduction, it jumped out at me because it reassured me that I can also take advantage of the (much smaller) platform that God has given me to tell my story of how God saved me to show people how good God really is.

What fascinated me the most after reading this book about Jeff's writing is that even though a lot of it does seem geared towards unbelievers and those who don't know Christ, there were still so many lines that hit me right in the heart.  I've been told over and over again that I overthink things, that I always try too hard, and that's a piece of me that runs over into my relationship with God.  I often catch myself worrying that the mistake I made this time was too big, getting mad at myself for failing God again, wishing that I could just get it right this time and be like those Christians I see who seem to just have it all together.  Thanks to Jeff for giving me one good figurative smack in the face:  his book reminded me, and should remind all believers, that none of us have it all together.  Jesus wasn't about celebrating with the good ones.  In fact, he called the religious people whores!  Jesus was about teaching the most broken people in his society that there was enough grace to cover their brokenness.  There is always enough grace.  I particularly loved when Jeff referenced the story of Jesus meeting the woman at the well.  The first person who learned that he was the messiah was a prostitute, a Samaritan, and a woman, three things that kept everyone else in Jesus' world from even speaking to her, yet he showed her favor and privilege and grace.  There is grace for her, and there is grace for me, too.

One of the biggest reasons that I would love to thank Jeff for taking the time to be this vulnerable and write this book is because, even though he doesn't know it, he touched on old wounds I've held from my youth and my hometown church.  For new readers who find this, I was kicked out of  my hometown (a very small town, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone) church at the age of 14 because people believed that I was faking my medical issues, particularly my seizure disorder, for attention.  That was pretty much the beginning of a downward spiral into depression for me, running as far away from God as I could.  It took me years to realize that even though Jesus loves the church (the final chapter in the book is even titled "Why Jesus Loves the Church (And You Should Too)), Jesus is not the same as the people in the church.  He is so much better!  People are broken; Jesus is whole and perfect.  Not only did Jeff's words on the people in churches help me to gain a new perspective on what happened back then, they changed my perspective on the wonderful church family that I have now.  No matter how much I love them, or any Christian brothers and sisters in my life, they will inevitably fail me at some point.  That doesn't mean they don't love me; it means they're just as human as I am.

Over and over again, Jeff reminds us that God is out to woo us, that that is why the Bible calls believers the bride of Christ.  We are loved so passionately and so deeply by our Creator that he'll chase us down to win our hearts!  I know that's exactly what happened with me the night I got baptized.  Love like this, it's unavoidable.  It's all-consuming.  It truly is life-changing.  Jeff says that the Bible is God's love letter to us, and I absolutely ADORE that.  Who doesn't want to receive a love letter?!  And who better to receive it from than the One who loves you more than anyone else ever possibly could?

But here's what I quite possibly loved the most about this book and Jeff's heart displayed throughout it: he doesn't spend the entire book simply focusing on how much God loves us.  He gets dirty, and radical, and calls out American Christianity as a whole for being too clean, too safe, for watering down what the Gospel is really about.  As he writes in Chapter 1, titled "Will The Real Jesus Please Stand Up?" (emphasis mine):  We've lost the real Jesus, or at least exchanged him for a newer, safer, sanitized, ineffectual one.  We've created a Christian subculture that comes with its own set of customs, rules, rituals, paradigms, and products that are nowhere near the rugged revolutionary faith of biblical Christianity.  In our subculture, Jesus would have never been crucified - he's too nice.  Ouch.  

In fact, in my opinion, Chapter 1 is probably the grittiest, most radical chapter of the book, and I love it!  Jeff gets to the heart of the matter right from the start.  Later on in the same chapter, he tells us what the real Jesus is like: He isn't safe.  His words, his life, and his cross completely destroy the notion of him being safe.  His grace is dangerous, ferocious, violent, and uncontrollable.  It can't be tamed.  I LOVE that.  As a young woman, I can tell you that that's the kind of love I've always yearned for; it's exactly the love I spent my whole childhood searching for, unwilling to admit that it was waiting for me in the place that I was most terrified to go.  Jeff calls each reader out, almost daring them to figure out what it is they truly believe.  Towards the end of the first chapter is the perfect example of this:  When Jesus comes back the second time, he isn't coming to sprinkle love dust on everyone.  He's coming to make war on sin and rebellion.  Do you believe in that Jesus?  I don't know about you, but reading that definitely made me do a double take.

There's one more major way that Jeff and his book really helped me and touched me.  For about the past year now, I have been on a journey of dealing with constant, severe pain that no doctor has been able to understand, let alone cure.  And as I've stated on this blog, recently, I went through a period where I really did grapple with God and my faith, wondering where exactly He is in all of this.  I get self-righteous enough sometimes that I think this kind of life isn't what I "deserve" as a Christian.  But Jeff spelled it out for me - God does have a great plan for my life, but that doesn't mean it's going to be pretty.  He writes that people like to use verses like Isaiah 40:31 and Jeremiah 29:11 as "proof" that God wants good things for them, but they forget that those verses were written at a time when most Christians were enemies of the state, and some were fed to animals in gladiator games.  He writes (also in Chapter 1), So the next time you quote those verses [Isaiah 40:31 and Jeremiah 29:11], remind yourself that they were just as true for the people having their flesh ripped apart by lions as they are for you.  Would you be down with God if that was his plan for your welfare?  This being what my life looks like right now does not in any way change the fact that God loved me enough to die for me.

I sent out this message on my Twitter minutes after I finished reading this book this past Thursday, and I still believe it with my whole heart.  This book could change my generation.  It is known that we are the most "un-churched" generation in history.  We are fleeing the church in droves, angry at prejudice that we find.  Jeff reaches out to the people who have been burned by the church, or who are hostile towards the church, and lets them know that he gets it.  With this book, Jeff displays in 200 pages the lesson it took me so many years to figure out on my own: Jesus loves the church, but the people in churches are not Jesus, and sometimes, they're not even true examples of Christianity.  If I thought I could convince him to read it, I would give this book to my best friend Matt, who is not a believer, because I truly believe that it could help him to understand why I love Jesus, why I call myself a Christian, and that not all Christians are the same as the image he has in his head.  If enough young people read this book, I think that American Christianity could radically change over the coming years, that you would find a generation totally on fire for Christ instead of a generation full of people who think Jesus is for the "good kids."  I want to tell everyone I can about this book because, like Jeff says, Jesus is SO much greater than religion.  And the world needs to know that.

Jesus > Religion: Why He is So Much Better than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough by Jefferson "Jeff" Bethke releases on October 7, 2013.  You can pre-order it on Amazon here or at Barnes & Noble here.

That time I went and lost my mind.

And I can pretty much guarantee you this post will not end the way you expect it to. :)  I can say that because today was so far from what I expected it to be!!

Okay, so it started out kind of rough.  Last night was one of those nights where I couldn't sleep because the pain was so bad, but I also couldn't do anything but lay there, either.  So I didn't get a lot of sleep, but I made it through my classes today, and actually really enjoyed them!

When I got back from class just after 3:30, I got on Facebook and saw that Jenny & Tyler (remember them? musicians I met through The Vespers/here at Campbell) needed someone to work merch for them in Raleigh on Friday, and that would get said merch worker plus a friend in free.  Well, I love Jenny & Tyler, I love doing merch, so that was enough enticement for me to track down a friend to go with on Friday!

A couple hours later, I finally worked that out.  One of the people I had tried contacting for a ride was my friend Paige, but she couldn't, so once I had a ride for Friday worked out, I knew I had to go to tonight's men's soccer game and hang out with her because she leaves for Ireland for 3 months on Monday so I won't see her for quite some time!  But her phone had shut off because her plan ran out and she wasn't going to renew it this close to leaving, so it took me until 6:40, 20 minutes before the game was due to start, to get up with her friend Chris that she hangs out with all the time, and luckily he was with her and lent her his car to come pick me up.

So I went to the game with them.  We won 3-2!  And my friend Bryce scored one of the goals and it was amazing.  He called me his good luck charm, so I think I'll just have to make it to a few more of these games. ;)  While I was there, though, I got an email that I have been selected to join Jeff Bethke's Street Team to promote his new book "Jesus > Religion"!  I'm so excited and so honored!!  More details to come on that soon. :)

Then, after the game, Paige, her group of friends, and I all went to Sunni Sky's afterwards, which is this ice cream parlor about 15 minutes away that Campbell kids like to frequent.  But...I've never been there before tonight.  During the game, Paige and Chris kept talking about these two ice cream flavors called "Cold Sweat" and "Exit Wound"....yeah, I immediately knew THAT sounded painful.  So originally I only agreed to try a sample of Cold Sweat and only if Paige did it with me...

Fast forward to when we're actually there.  There's this adorable worker who gave Paige and me our tiny, speck-sized samples of Cold Sweat.  It was bad, but didn't really bother me, so Chris jokingly said, "Are you ready for Exit Wound?"  And cute waiter, whose name I later found out is Clarkson, said, "Hold on, first you have to have the qualifying sample size of Cold Sweat...and sign both the waivers."

me signing one of the two waivers...ya know, that I won't sue them or whatever if this causes physical damage. ;)

So he brings out a spoonful of Cold Sweat.  Here's the video for your entertainment.

And then Exit Wound...

Yes, I legit asked Clarkson if he would give me a hug if I did that, because at that point, I was seriously considering saying forget it.  But I did it!  And I'm kind of glad to be able to say that I did.  I won't ever be doing it again, though.  Exit Wound had actual pepper spray in it!!!

The burning subsided quite a bit after I downed a load of ice cream and some lime sherbet that apparently helps ease the pain.  I got a massive upset stomach when I got back to my dorm, though.  I'm sure I'll be fine by the morning.  It was a great memory-making opportunity.

Now I am off to read my advanced copy of Jeff's book until my sleeping pill kicks in, because for some reason I am WIRED right now, but first, here are the other pictures from tonight.

me and Paige. love this girl! :)

I took this because it made me think of Ryann.  I've spent a lot of time in these bleachers, but this was the first time it was without Ryann out on the field playing or in the stands next to me watching.  It's still weird.

me and Bryce. sweet guy, great player, and he made an awesome goal tonight!

and me and Clarkson...yes, I got him to take a picture, too, since he was the one making and delivering my scoops of torture. ;) He was hilarious, and his taunting made the whole thing a lot more fun.  apparently I can't say no when a nice, good-looking boy wants me to do something crazy! :)

This will definitely be a night I will not be forgetting any time soon.

Mended

This quote, from the very end of Angie Smith's "Mended", sums up my goal for my life better than just about anything I've ever seen.

Now go and tell the story of a love so beautiful that it broke in order for you to be rebuilt.  In His great, powerful mercy, He wants this for you.  He doesn't want you to be a woman who is limping through life with a bruised heart, but rather, one whose eyes are lit with the anticipation of Him.  It won't be perfect.  I've given up on that.  And not a moment too soon.  What it will be is the feeble offering of a woman who has been spectacularly ruined by a love she can't understand.  A woman who never thought she could be anything but a mess.  A woman who learned the truth behind the sparkling eyes and the gentle love that desires her to be, well...mended.

I want to tell people about my brokenness because in doing that, I can show them the One who put me back together.

I want to tell people it's okay if God's unconditional love doesn't make sense to them because it doesn't make sense to me, either.

Mostly, I want to tell them how much brighter and richer my life becomes every time I stop beating myself u for not getting things perfect.

He rescues me every day from the traps that lie waiting for me.  It is because of Him that I haven't totally lost my way all over again.

He saved me then, and He saves me now.  I want to show people the kind of healing He has brought into my life, if only so I can tell them He can do the same thing in theirs.

My body is so strange.

I didn't fall asleep until almost 4:30 this morning, and was wide awake at 7 am.

And then I proceeded to crash by 3:30 pm and sleep until two of my weekly summer shows came on at 8 and 9.

The good news is that I am still plenty tired.

The bad news is that in that 7-3:30 break today, I started reading Redeeming Love, and oh my word, this book is addicting.  It's gonna be really hard for me not to stay up all night reading.  But I need to go to bed at a semi-normal time because I have several doctor appointments this week.

But I have to read some.

Just a few more chapters.

I promise.

;)

Happy Heart

It's past 4 am and yet I'm still sitting down to write this blog because after a very bad day, I had a very good night, and I want to remember it.

Holly and Michael got in just before 11 tonight, and we spent 5 hours having a few drinks and playing "Advanced" (Michael's version of it) UNO and Texas Hold 'Em.

It was so much fun.  My heart is happy.  I love that I get along so well with the two of them now, and they treat me like an adult.

I read Mended by Angie Smith today before they got here.  I'm sure I'll have plenty of thoughts on that when I'm not so tired.

Tomorrow we're planning on going to the beach, provided the weather cooperates.  I better get some sleep! Here's to a fun day tomorrow with my wonderful sister and a guy I can now call a friend.

When I Grow Up

I don't need to tell y'all how much I love my mom.  Anyone who reads here for more than a second can figure that out.  The woman has had to be both mom and dad for more than 14 years and has taken care of her 3 girls all on her own and, if you ask me, done a pretty darn good job at it.

Then again, I might be just a tad bit biased.

Anyway.  As you might imagine, growing up in a house with only sisters and only a mom led to many a lesson on the power of women and how I don't need a man to make me happy or complete me or take care of me...or what most people would call feminism.  I think that lesson's only really begun to stick for me in the last few years, but hey, better late than never.

Tied into that lesson was the much emphasized idea that we could have any career we wanted and shouldn't depend on husbands for financial security.  Her push to have us, especially me because of my genius IQ (and that's not meant to be a brag, it's just a statement of fact, my IQ really has been tested), make big dreams for our futures and work hard to chase after them was a big part of my childhood.  Of course, the frustrating part was that she never saw the pressure she was putting on me, her perfectionist, people-pleasing child, even outright denying she did such a thing.

Agh, I'm getting off point.  My mom had a lot of dreams when she was my age and younger that she never fulfilled because, in short, her dad told her she wasn't good enough for it to happen.  She wanted to go to East Carolina and major in Theater.  Instead, she was told to pick a "practical" major and ended up at NC State in English because teaching made sense to my grandpa, especially since my grandma was a teacher.  Granted, my mom doesn't regret ending up a Wolfpacker, meeting my dad because he gave her us, or becoming an English teacher, but she made it a point from a very young age to make sure my sisters and I knew that we could do whatever we wanted to do and be whomever we wanted to be.

Except for that time when I was 9 and, stroke-like nerve damage, physical defects and all, came home and told her I wanted to be a dancer.  For the sake of her sanity and my self-esteem, she was forced to crush that dream.  I have no idea how she didn't bust out laughing.  The love of a mother, I guess.

Her belief in me is probably a huge part of the reason that my first career goal at age 6 was to be the first female president of the United States (I later realized the stress would probably have me institutionalized), then a doctor (until I started having a bunch of procedures and surgeries and realized I hate blood), then a lawyer (then I realized prosecutors get paid almost as bad as teachers and defense attorneys would inevitably have to defend guilty people and my conscience couldn't take that), and then I have no idea what I wanted to be until I landed on the whole ambassador-State Department gig when I was about 15.  That one's stuck with me, and the idea of her daughter traveling the world working in international politics still makes my mom as giddy with excitement as it did when I picked my major before I started at Campbell.

But here's what my mom doesn't know.  What I don't have the courage to tell her yet.  A lot of days, I catch myself thinking about my future and know that I'd be just as happy as ever being a stay-at-home mom taking care of my four kids.  Yes, four.  Only four.  Not three.  Not five.  Four.

(I may or may not have inherited my mother's anal tendencies.)

I guess part of me is scared to tell her because it'll feel like I'm letting her down, like I'm crushing her dreams all over again.  And I keep telling myself that maybe I'll change my mind once I get into my career field and start working.

But then I read this book.

I mentioned BigMama yesterday when I wrote about what I learned from BooMama's book.  I'll admit, I read this one second because I wasn't quite sure how a book about the beauty of motherhood would really reach and touch me, a single, childless, 21-year-old nerdy college student.  But I wanted to read it, anyway, because like I said yesterday, BooMama and BigMama are two of the most well-known voices in the blog world.

Man oh man, I am so glad I read this.

Reading Melanie's tales of trying to get pregnant with, being pregnant with, then having and raising her daughter brought me back to a piece of me that got lost in the midst of all the anger and sadness of my childhood.  I was the little girl who would sit around coming up with names for my future kids, the number slowly decreasing as I got older, the names changing as my tastes did.  I would plan out house designs so all these kids could have space, and I'd write stories about taking care of them.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  That dream has not changed or decreased in the slightest, even as young me had no idea what college major I wanted or what job I wanted to have when I grew up.  If anything, it's only gotten stronger since Blake was born and I've seen the fun that little kids can bring in the midst of all the exhaustion.

Reading Melanie's book made me accept what I knew in my heart to be true, especially as I read about her decision to become a stay-at-home mom: not having a career and focusing my adult life on taking care of my kids wouldn't make me any less fiercely independent or any less headstrong or any less of the woman that my mom worked so hard to mold me into.  It'd just be a different version of her.  One quote from the end of Melanie's book particularly touched me.

''I would say I want her to be a better version of myself, but that's not accurate.  I want her to be t he best version of who God has created her to be - to embrace her individual qualities and gifts."

And even if my mama can't say it out loud, I know that, in her heart, she wants me to live my life and do what makes me happy, not what fulfills the plans she has for my future.  I know this, actually, because of how my mom reacted to a quote from Tina Fey's book Bossypants.  "What's so great about work anyway?  Work won't visit you when you're old.  Work won't drive you to get a mammogram and take you out after for soup."  That's not a slam on working moms, but my mom nearly cried at that quote.  And she's shown me time and time again with her actions that my sisters and I will always be more important than her job.

I'm not saying that I have my future planned out, especially because I'd need a husband for the whole stay-at-home-mom thing to work out and there's no one even close to in the picture, but what I am saying is this:  if ten, twenty years from now, I am a stay-at-home mom, raising kids to love Jesus, my heart won't be lacking for anything.

And hey, I might even throw being a writer in there for good measure.  I can do that from my house...in my pajamas....at one o'clock in the morning.  Because that's when my mind works best and all.  Melanie will understand.

Melanie, if you ever read this, thank you.  Thanks for making me laugh until I cried for 200 straight pages and for reawakening a part of myself I'd thought for too long wasn't enough.  I'll definitely be adding your blog to my list tonight.

Sweet and Salty

My books came in the mail today.  As soon as I got the chance tonight, I picked this one up and started reading.

Now, I've never read BooMama's blog, but this and BigMama's book came so highly recommended I knew I had to get them.  I'll admit, I was a little apprehensive about it considering I'm not all that southern (I live in North Carolina and HATE sweet tea. It's like a cardinal sin.), but I read it anyway.

I knew I'd laugh.  Even without ever reading her blog, I knew from hearing over and over again that BooMama is one of the funniest voices on the web.  And heck, even the "southern stories of faith, family, and fifteen pounds of bacon" had me chuckling.  I always like to laugh, so I knew at the very least I wouldn't regret buying or reading this.

I knew I'd cry.  Anytime anybody writes about their family, there's going to be sentiment involved, and I'm a sucker for a touching family story.

What I didn't expect was how much I'd do of both.  How I could be laughing hysterically on one page and tearing up on the next.  I didn't expect how contrasting pieces of the story seemed to be, yet they flowed together seamlessly, as though this was more than just a collection of miscellaneous stories.  I didn't expect to find her mother-in-law so endearing, or that I'd be able to imagine what she said in a thick southern accent like it was an audiobook.  I didn't expect to want to go sit around a stranger's kitchen table and talk to a bunch of people that, to me, are nothing more than people in this book.

But most of all, I didn't expect how much this book would teach me about my own family.  It taught me to treasure the times where we can just sit around the table, stuffed with delicious food and unable to move, laughing and sharing stories.  It taught me to treasure every second I have when my sweet nephew is this innocent, because before I know it, I'll be going to his wedding.  It taught me to pay attention to my mom and grandma, and the lessons they can teach me without words getting in the way.  It taught me to look at my sisters, as different as we are, as children made by God and just as treasured and just as important as me.  It taught me to let go of the small things, the ones I might tend to hold on to as a grudge.  It reminded me to fight for the people that I love.  It reminded me that "football is a great game, but it's an awful God."  It gave me a glimpse into the kind of mother I want to be one day, and taught me that sometimes what I think I want is different from what God knows I need, and to be open to all of it.

I may not be the "target audience" that Sophie had in mind, but the lessons I took away from this sweet and salty book are ones I won't be forgetting anytime soon.  Thanks, Sophie.  You've gained a new reader.