I have a lot going on in my head today, and quite frankly, I'm not sure where it came from.
I've mentioned many, many times before that the reason I talk so much about my journey through life and my story of coming closer to Christ because I want to help people. I don't write on this blog every day because I want to be blog-famous, not at all. I write for two reasons: one, it's my release, the one way I know I can always let out whatever's going on inside my head and heart; two, I just want to help people. If I can share the lessons I've learned through my trials and help someone else deal with their pain, then knowing it was all worth it seems a little bit more real.
People have told me for years that I'm good with words. Sometimes I don't really see what makes them think that, but sometimes I get it, because people read what I write or they hear me talk about my story, and I can tell they're moved. One day a couple months ago, a very good friend told me they could see me on a stage one day speaking to thousands. At the time, I just thought it was a sweet compliment from someone who has always believed in me, but I didn't really put much thought into it. I mean, why would I? For years now, I've had a very specific plan in mind. Graduate from Campbell at least magna cum laude, go to grad school, move to DC and start working in international politics.
I'm not saying I want to give all of that up, because I definitely don't, but lately, I've been thinking about whether or not I could be a speaker. I had a dream that there was some Christian retreat where I was the speaker and The Vespers were the music. I still don't know why I was dreaming about that, but somehow it felt natural. And it's made me wonder if that could really be my future. I've said for a long time that if I could die knowing that I made one person's world better, then I'll feel like I've done my job, and that really would be enough for me...but then, Friday night, I saw an invitation on Twitter for people to submit their stories to an "I Was Broken" series, and I felt so compelled to write I had 1,000 words done in less than an hour. And yesterday, I found out that a post I wrote and submitted to a different blog at the end of last summer was featured a few weeks ago. I read the comments, and there were people saying how my post helped them, parents of children with disabilities far worse than mine saying how my words encouraged them to keep fighting on behalf of their kids. I was face-to-face with the fact that maybe I actually am kind of good at telling my story and talking to people.
This has all led me to one central question: What if He has something bigger in mind? What if the path I long thought was going to be my next steps in life isn't what He wants me to do?
I don't know if this really is God trying to clue me in or if it's just my imagination getting the best of me. I don't even know where to begin if I am supposed to reach out to people on a bigger, broader level.
All I know is this: my future is in His hands, and I'm willing to do whatever He asks of me. I pray that He gives me a clear sign if there's an opportunity I need to take to make a difference with people because I don't want to miss it, and let's face it, I'm more than a little oblivious sometimes. This is all for Him, anyway, and I want Him to use me however He sees fit, on a big or small scale, it doesn't matter. I just want to bring Him glory, and if sharing my story with even more people is my means to do that, then so be it.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9