Thursday, July 19, 2012


Tonight's post is a little less about God and a little more about the fact that sometimes I'm way too hard on myself.

Okay, a lot of the time.

I basically got called out today.  In a good way.  This friend of mine asked me why I'm always wondering if I'm being a good enough friend to people when I'm one of the kindest people they know.

..........Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to answer that one, either.

But it got me thinking.  Why exactly do I do that?  Why exactly am I so concerned with taking too much and not giving enough when I clearly still have so many people in my life who love me?  Is it because of my perfectionist personality?  Is it because I spent so long being told I wasn't good enough that I now sort of can't believe I have this many friends?  Or is it just because I'm just that nice of a person? (Kidding!)

The people in my life who really know me know my heart.  They know there's not a thing in the world that I wouldn't do for them.  They know I'd wake up at 4 in the morning if they needed me.  They know that I put 100% of myself into every one of my relationships.  They know I love intensely.  And they still want to spend time with me and love me, anyway.  So clearly, I must be doing something right in this whole friendship thing.

Back to that whole "I love intensely" bit...Those three words will tell you exactly why I get so messed up when it looks like I've lost a friend.  I put so much of myself into other people that it sometimes breaks my heart.  It's been misinterpreted, but if there's anything I've learned from the people I've met in the past year, it's that the people who really mean something will see past it.  The first time Ryann forgave me after I legit screwed up I was blindsided because the only other person who had forgiven me was Matt.  And now, I can name so many friends that love me the same way.

These are the people that look past my imperfections, who love me just like I am.  Me.  Mal, intensity and all.  If I was doing something "wrong," they wouldn't still be here.  If I wasn't being a good enough friend, I wouldn't have people who text me out of the blue just to see how I'm feeling.  God made my heart this way because He saw it fit, and He put people in my life who see it that way, too.

I think this sort of goes back to what I wrote yesterday - I have to stop questioning why these people are here and appreciate the fact that they are and that I am loved.  I don't have to understand everything.  I just have to thank God for it.  I have to make these changes in my heart and in my mind.  April 5th didn't happen for nothing, so it could be forgotten as just another entry in this blog.  It happened so I could let go and trust in the vision God has for me and my life.  That's only going to happen if I force myself to quit all of the bad habits I was stuck in.

I am doing the best I can to be the best friend I know how to be.  God, the definition of perfect love, is consuming me and filling me more and more every day.  Because of that, because of Him, I will always be enough.

So God, as a thank you, this is the end of the questioning myself, questioning the love I have in my life.  I pray that by losing this part of the old me, I can shine Your light even brighter.

I may have to come back and read this post 50 million times, but hey, whatever it takes to make it stick. :)

1 comment:

  1. The downside of loving people, is sometimes no matter how much love God puts into us for them; they can choose to walk away from it. There have been many people who have done that to me and willist likely be many more. This past year there were two that I poured so much of my time showing them love and praying for them, neither talk to me anymore. It hurts a lot. I still find myself praying for them, and asking God to cover them. I don't understand it and it's like He won't let me pray for them to come back into my life. The thing is, I always had a choice to either pour myself into those relationships or guard myself from getting hurt by never introducing myself and giving what I knew God had for me to give them.

    When I start to think that, my heart then breaks known g how much more God's heart must break. He has poured out everything and yet people still walk away and throw it all to the side. My heartache is only a minut fraction of what He feels. But if I can be that example that leads only one to Him it is so worth it. If I put myself out there on His behalf I never have to question the path I'm walking. I hope this makes sense, I'm kinda tired. ;) Good thoughts