Saturday, May 16, 2009

Teenage love.

I am in such a blah mood today. There is so much going on in my head, and after the past couple weeks that I've had, I just feel like I don't even have the energy to deal with any of it. I'm just hoping that blogging about it will help me figure out what to do, or at least let me take a breath and relax. You know what the bizarre thing about it is? Even though my family is still totally messed up, what's hurting me most right now has nothing to do with them.

There's this boy. His name is Matt. I've known him since I was 10 in 6th grade and he was 13 in 8th grade. We were in middle school orchestra together. I just thought he was the coolest kid ever because he was so unbelievably talented. And he was friendly, too, when I've never had really good luck at making friends with guys, like ever. Of course, when I got into 7th grade and he went to 9th, we didn't really talk as much, but we still kept in contact every once in a while.

But when I got in 9th grade and he was a junior, it was like nothing had ever changed. We were in the marching band pit together, and so we basically spent every day together. And after marching band season, when the guy I was crazy about at the time began emotionally and verbally abusing me and basically destroyed me, he was the one person who was there throughout it that didn't get mad that I was too blind to see what the other guy was doing to me. Our friendship just grew and grew from there, and it got even better when I moved into a house that was about a 2 minute walk from his house. I was there when he was dealing with his crazy girlfriend for 3 years. We told each other everything, and he spent so much time at my house that my mom began treating him like a son. When I was a freshman, I told him that I had a crush on him, but he just said he was still in love with his girlfriend (that he was taking a break from at the time) and we both forgot it happened. He's the one guy I've ever known that doesn't get all awkward when they hear a girl they don't like likes them. Then, he graduated and broke up with his longtime girlfriend. I was so proud of him. Frankly, at the time, I was scared I was going to lose him because of the distance, but the day of his going-away party the week before he left for school, I had a seizure and on the way back to my house he promised me that nothing would ever change.

And then, he got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who hated me. A girlfriend who saw every other girl as a threat, no matter how many times Matt and I both told her that we were just friends. For Christmas, he convinced her to help him and my sister paint my room and furniture that was a present. (Still not sure how he ever did that, probably the thought of the money.) A few weeks later, I said something to a friend, Shannon, that the girlfriend had said about a girl she and Matt knew (that Shannon also knew) and when Matt and the girlfriend found out, they were so furious that Matt didn't speak to me for five months. I was absolutely distraught, even though I knew I deserved it. But in June, when the girlfriend broke up with him, I knew I just had to call him to make sure he was okay because I had seen how crazy he was about her. He told me then that the only reason he didn't talk to me for so long was because she wouldn't let him.

Things became perfect again. And it was just in time for my 16th birthday. That day, I was stuck at home alone all day taking care of my sick mom and the dogs. I was so upset because the day had sucked so bad. He came over at 11:30 after a long day at work and band practice when he was absolutely exhausted because he knew I needed him. We sat there for two hours talking. That night, I saw him cry for the first time in six years. It was then and there that I knew I was in love with him. How? Because when I watched him cry, I actually could feel myself hurting with him. I've never had happen with anyone other than family. And it pretty much scared the hell out of me. But I didn't say anything because I was so afraid of losing him. He was the only real friend I had, and I was so scared that I'd lose him. At that point, things were so bad with my family that he was the only person I felt like I could trust, and I knew that I would do anything possible to keep that with me.

Now I know that I should've taken hold of that opportunity when I had the chance. Because six months later, he had another girlfriend. Things were fine for a while, just like normal. But when he came home for Spring Break in mid-March, I don't know, things were just different. I don't know why I thought so, but you know how sometimes you can just tell? He kept putting off seeing me claiming he was busy, even though he found the time to see everyone else. It was just small stuff like that. And then after he went back, I kept trying to contact him and never got a word. I tried phone, Myspace, and Facebook and not a word. And so I just naturally (or what I think was naturally) came to the conclusion that he's ignoring me to try and get rid of me. I sent him what I planned on being one final text message today, and that finally got his attention. Here's how our convo went, word for word.

Me: Just so you know, I don't appreciate or deserve this. You act like you just want me to give up so I might as well.

Matt: Who's this?

Me: Mallory. What - you deleted me?

Matt: Mallory? Last name?

Me: Jxxxx. *edited for privacy*

Matt: Oo! I didn't have your number for one due to a new phone and two, if that's what you think that's what you think.

Me: Well I've only tried to contact you about 15 times that you never answered. It's an understandable reaction.

Matt: I haven't seen. So...I don't know what to tell you...

Me: Okay. I was just getting frustrated cause it felt like you were ignoring me for ages. How are you?

Matt: Busy as ****.

Me: Go figure. You told my mom you were coming back to Swansboro this week?

Matt: I'm here now, but I'm busy now lol.

Me: Lol, oh. When are you leaving? I really miss just seeing you.

Matt: I'm leaving June 15.

Me: My birthday! I have my grad party the day before.

Matt: I might make the grad party cause school starts the 15th. So...I gotta see. I'ma try and make it if I can.

Me: Okay. What are you taking summer school for?

Matt: To graduate in 4 years. Trust me, if I didn't have to I wouldn't.

Me: Haha, well, I knew that part. You forget how well I know you. :P What are you doing today?

I know I should be mad at him. I know I need to be mad at him because you don't ignore someone that you call one of your best friends for six weeks. Shannon told me that I need to just forget him and move onto the guys I'll meet at college because I "deserve better", but even thinking about that prospect kills me. There's so much history here, so many feelings. I don't even feel like there could be "better." He's the one guy in this godforsaken town that doesn't judge you based on whether or not you look like a cheerleader. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel important. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him and be out-of-this-world happy. Sixteen year old girls aren't supposed to be thinking that!

And the even more depressing part about it is that, after having these feelings for him for two and a half years, he still hasn't gotten it yet, which is odd since my family has always told me that subtlety has never been my strong point. Hah, guys are so dense.

Basically, my dilemma boils down to this: I don't want to put up with crap, but I feel like quitting this relationship now would be a rash decision. And on the other hand, I don't want this to turn into what happened with the guy that Matt had to protect me from when I was a freshman. (see above)

I know some people believe that someone my age can't know what love is, or you can't really be in love with someone unless they're in love with you, too, but I know without a doubt that I am in love with Matt. As much as I wish I wasn't, I am.

Ugh. This just sucks.

Any advice you smarter, worldlier women want to give is fine with me.

And I'll leave you with a picture, taken last August at my house.

And in case you didn't get it, yes, that's him.


  1. Dear Mallory, It is many years since I've been a teenager and I can still emphasise with you. Relationships are hard, there is no way of getting away from that truth, and it is even harder when you are so very young... and sixteen is not to young to be in love. Just hang in there girl, soon you will be starting a whole new chapter in your life and as yet you have no idea of who the characters in that new chapter will be; but yes, nothing is more difficult to cope with than what is happening in the present.

  2. Why is it that what is "best" for us is rarely what our heart wants? You think that you will grow up eventually and be married and this whole game of cat and mouse will be done but it never really is.... the people you love the most are the ones who will hurt you the most. So all of that sounds terrible right?

    But YOU have a choice. Choose to be bitter and angry or choose to allow your situation to change you into a kind and compassionate individual. You are showing mercy to this person and if he does not recognize it now... someday he will.