Late night randomness.

Landon? Never cared about me.  I was COMPLETELY wrong.  Matt talked to him (without me asking/knowing) and informed me.  Gotta love it.  It doesn't matter, I'm beyond over it.  It just keeps getting brought up.  Whatever.  His loss.  Here's what I'd like to say to him, though, as a parting thought: "We were over from the start, intertwined just in time to fall apart. I can't believe I missed the signs. You were cold and they all told me not to try, but I thought they had you wrong. In the morning you were gone, just vanished from my life, didn't even say goodbye.  Everytime I see your face, I can see the games you play. Nobody can break hearts better. Why do you have to be so damn clever?" Oh and "When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. You're the fool, I'm just as well. I hope it gives you hell." (pieces of "So Damn Clever" by Plain White Ts and "Gives You Hell" by All-American Rejects.  I think they fit.)

Mom is going to Brianna's Olympic Development soccer games this weekend.  Which means I'll be home alone with Chelsea all weekend.  Oh boy!  Ha.  Really, though, Bri made the top team in the east division.  How cool is that?!  She may be my ticket to the Olympics one day. :D

ONE week (well now six days) till my birthday! Woot woot! Hahaha.  All I know that's happening so far is we're going to dinner, like usual, with all the family and Matt is coming over for a bit.  I told him that was my only request for the day.  He said there's no way he wouldn't come over.  :)

I finally get to go see Mr. Laughinghouse on Monday!  Things are so complicated sometimes when you have to depend on other people for rides.  This Saturday will be two years since I graduated.  That's CRAZY to think about. 

Maybe I'll have more energy to blog tomorrow.  My head has felt funny all day.

I admit.

I am a reality TV lover.
Dancing with the Stars.
The Bachelor.
The Biggest Loser.
Those three shows are things I can't miss. If for some reason I do, I watch them online.
Stupid? Yes. Silly? Definitely.
But it's me.

In other news, FIVE DAYS TO CAMPBELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully I can get this cold to go away before then.

Tomorrow, I'm going to my old high school to visit Mr. Laughinghouse, my French teacher. I miss him and his class. He's the kind of guy that, the more he made fun of you, the more he liked you. Let's just say I got made fun of a lot in his class. ;)

Okay, I'm gonna watch Jillian Michaels on Jay Leno and take a shower. I need to go back to sleep soon.

I want my mommy!

Yes, I am seventeen years old, and I will admit that I want my mommy. :( She left today to go home because she has to go and get work done because her school's classes start on Tuesday. (She's a high school English teacher.) So she's working tomorrow and Saturday.

I know it can't be helped, and she had to do it, but it still sucks. She won't come back till Sunday. Three days is a long time when you're in the hospital.

My great-aunt is here tonight and Saturday night, and Holly is supposed to be staying tomorrow, but it's just not the same. My mom knows me better than anyone, and she can pretty much tell everything I need before I ask for it. Kind of like, she knows me better than I know myself. You know?

So needless to say, I'm in a bit of a blah mood. In other news...A dermatologist here at the hospital came by my room and is going to give me a different steroid to hopefully help with the rash that is now all over my chest. So that's good. The bad is that Dr. F says this rash could delay my surgery. And he's cut down on my pain meds despite me needing them which is incredibly annoying, but there's nothing I can do.

Mom called Campbell today and got my schedule straightened out. We cut it down to 12.5 hours because this semester is going to be hard enough on me since I'll have been in the hospital for two weeks when I'm done and I won't be on campus till at least Labor Day weekend. And this way I'm still considered full time, so my scholarship is safe. She also went to Campbell on her way home and picked up my books according to my fixed schedule, and got all of them except for the French ones, and they're overnight shipping those next week because they were out today. At least I don't have to worry about anything there.

Not what I needed today.

I just got my AP Exam scores in the mail.

Not pretty.

I failed them all.

And my mom's mad.

And I'm mad.

And these things are going to Campbell.

My mom is all "It would've helped if you studied."

And I'm all "It would've helped if I'd been there the seven weeks before the tests."

Ugh. Oh well. I mean, it's not like it affects me graduating or anything, so it's not that huge of a deal. I'm just nervous what the Campbell people are going to think.

Agh.

This on top of being sick = a very irritable Mallory.

Whoa baby!

So...I don't really like surprises when I know they're coming.

But my mom walks in the house tonight after going to get food from Wendy's. She hands me this envelope, apologizes for opening it for me, and says I'm really going to like what's inside. It's from the church that I left three years ago after being humiliated and mistreated and other bad things, so I'm a little confused.

Guess what was in it.







Five hundred dollars in cash.

WHOA BABY.

I nearly fell over in shock. And the even more adorable thing about it is that I have no idea who sent it. They didn't sign the letter. But God bless 'em, whoever it was.

-----

Another awesome surprise came from my Uncle Ed yesterday.

He wants to buy my bed for my dorm, and the chair I need to get because I'm not allowed to have a recliner due to fire marshal regulations.

AND he told my mom that he has some Foreign Service friends who work with one of the best foreign service language programs in the country. He wants to fly me out there (I think it's in California) over one of my breaks to meet them.

WHOA BABY.

They could be connections to get my dream job of working in an embassy! It would be so amazing if I could get into one of them after college. They only work with the best and the brightest, and my uncle said his friends are already happy to meet me.

How amazing is that? :) God is awesome.

Dude. Guess what.

I have my diploma!!!!!!!!!!

AND AND AND I got a major surprise.
I also got my final transcript.
My final ranking and GPA?

6th in my class. 4.5 GPA.

Is that freakin AWESOME or what?
My ranking was 11th last time I saw my transcript this year.

I'm stoked.
Pictures to come tomorrow or something. I had a long day of moving furniture and cleaning and stuff before graduation tonight. So I'm tired.

-----

Update: Okay I lied. Pictures tonight. Cause I'm wired and don't feel like doing anything else. :)

My French teacher, the best teacher ever. Mr. Laughinghouse.

Mrs. Long, my Academic Derby coach and mentor.

Me with grandma, mom, and sister Holly.

Yay me.

And I must say, hearing the gasps of the crowd when they announced my $60,000 scholarship felt really good. Hehehe.

Music and revelations and people.

Yeah, sorry, I can't come up with a remotely imaginative title today.

I love music. I really do. I love everything from '80s rock to pop to Taylor Swift, the only even somewhat country singer I will listen to. It helps me relax. It helps me think. And no matter what, you can always find a song that relates to how you're feeling. I mean, I'm generally pretty good about getting out my feelings, just in regular writing, but when it's set to music and I'm hearing someone else express it, it's like it makes so much more sense in my head. Isn't it just beautiful?

-----

I had a revelation the other day. I was ranting to my friend JD (the wonderfully awesome woman that she is) about Matt (I know, I know, just wait for it) and I realized something.

"I KNOW I need to get over him. It's the only way I'm going to get my sanity back. Because as wonderful and amazing and kind and loving as he is, he doesn't get to be my whole world anymore."

I guess it finally just came to me that being this crazy about someone who's obviously got no interest in you is going to get me nowhere. Yes, I still love him so much it sometimes hurts, but I have to find a way to focus on something else. I got so caught up in him and all that he's done for me that I began to act like he's the only good thing in my world. While he is the only consistently good thing, he's not all I have. I mean, heck, I'm graduating high school tomorrow! And I have my party on Sunday. And I have my mom. And I have music. And I have faith. He was my everything for so long that I couldn't remember what it would be like without him. I'm going to college in August. As hard as I feel like it is to be connected to him while I'm stuck here and he's away at college, it's going to be ten times harder when we're both away and might not/probably won't come home at the same time. I have to be okay with that. And I know I will be. I'm going to go and find people other than him who remind me that not all people my age are mean, superficial, and heartless.

The chorus to one of my current favorite songs kind of fits this for me....."Breathe" by Taylor Swift.

"And we know it's never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to breathe without you, but I have to."

Did I mention I love music? :)

-----

Agh, so we had graduation practice this morning. SOOOOO boring! 2 hours, running through the whole program 3 times, and people would not shut their mouths for five seconds even though that would've gotten us out of there in like half the time, but teachers were getting mad at all the insanely loud people so they added on an extra run-through for torture. And I was stuck directly behind this one freakishly loud girl who was talking to EVERYONE. I felt like banging my head against a wall. Yet another of the many reasons why I'm so not going to miss these people.

-----

I CANNOT WAIT TO GET MY DIPLOMA TOMORROW.

The end. :)

Whoa baby.

For some strange reason, it's taking a while to sink in that I'm done with high school. Classes were done Thursday, and after taking two tests tomorrow, I'll be done with my online class. I could do those tests tonight, but my brain's slightly toast from doing basically nothing but read tonight and last night. But yeah....I have graduation practice on Wednesday, and then the big day on Thursday.

All of this, of course, is dragging back the gnawing fear of actually becoming an adult. Okay, so techincally college doesn't mean you're an adult, but I still have to move out and leave my mom, and separation anxiety has kind of haunted me ever since my dad died. (That and a bad paranoia that something bad has happened to my family, but that's another story.) I'm nervous. But apparently that's normal? I don't know. This is one of those times that no matter how many people tell you it's completely normal to feel the way you do, you still feel like a freak or a baby.

Strangely enough, my life's kind of dull right now. Sisters aren't causing any drama (for the first time in like a decade) and my mom and I are just chill because they're not being stupid.

Now, if I didn't have the sinuses from hell, everything would just be gravy.

Gonna make you sweat.

Holy cow. It is sweltering hot in my school right now. You'd think that because it's in the 80s outside right now, that'd make people want to have the air conditioning on. Right? Wrong. Whatever doofus controls the temp for this school thinks that it's fun to make it hotter inside as it gets hotter out. Not good for this easily overheated chica.

I got fussed at for turning in this take-home test today instead of yesterday. I didn't get it till Monday, when everyone else had the weekend, and our school absence policy says that you're supposed to have 3 days to make up assignments. Why my AP US History teacher thought I had to do this in one day, I don't know. And then I was an idiot and invited her to my party. Oh well.

Tomorrow.

I'm so unbelievably ready not to have to get up at 5:30. I'm so ready not to have to come and be ridiculed for no reason by people who don't even know me. I'm just ready to be done. Granted, I do have some assignments that I need to finish for my online class, but at least I can do those from the comfort of my own bed. I love my bed. Possibly more than a human being should love an inanimate object.

We're having this Victorian tea party in English today. Apparently costumes are a part of the grade, but I didn't know about that till Monday, and we just didn't have anything available or the money to go buy an outfit for one day. My English teacher is generally pretty awesome, but my mom thinks it's stupid and unfair that our ability to have Victorian clothes is part of our grade. Whenever my mom does themed things like this with her classes, costumes are extra credit. That's fair. I better not get points taken off just because my outfit won't be Victorian (I'm still dressing up). Oh well.

Tomorrow.

Did I mention it's hot in here? Cause yeah, it really is.

I have nothing important to say.

But I'm posting, anyway. Just 'cause it's the first of the month.

Yeah, I know. I'm weird.

The Prednisone and Albuterol are still keeping me awake at night, so I'm absolutely exhausted right now.

Three days. In 70 hours (2:30 pm EST Thursday) I will be done with high school classes. That sounds really weird to say.

*slaps self* Can't sleep....No....Can't.

On days like this, all you want is a hug.

It's just one freaking thing after another in my world. On top of these sinus migraines, I now have a dang throat infection. It's raw and burning and sore and basically feels like someone took a grater and scraped the inside of my throat starting up on the roof of my mouth alllllllllll the way down. And the ironic thing is that this only started at like 5:00 yesterday.

I couldn't sleep last night because I kept feeling like I was going to choke to death, so I basically got a whopping total of three hours of sleep before a long day of school and physical therapy. *sad*

And on top of the joys of that, I found out today that I have a quiz on the final seven chapters of Jane Eyre tomorrow. Everyone else found out on Friday. Because I didn't go participate in "Senior Fun Day", I stayed in the library straight through from 2nd period into 3rd. And so they had a few minutes at the beginning of third and they found out, and my oh-so-thoughtful English declined to mention the quiz to me when I saw her three other times that day. Gah. That means I have to read 104 pages tonight and I really don't feel like doing a single thing because I'm in so much pain.

And I'm going to have to bust my butt from now till June 7th at 8 pm to recover from the major procrastination I've done in my online AP Euro History class. Except I don't have time for it tonight because I have to read! Remind me to never take an online class ever again, kay?

Argh.

countdown.

UPDATE: I just got an email from my online class teacher, and she informed me that there is NO final exam for AP European History because it's not written into the course. This means I don't have to take any finals! YAY! *dances*

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep all the time, which isn't really convenient when you have classes to go to. Thank heavens this weekend is Memorial Day which means that I get an extra day off. AND I found out that because I took the AP US History exam, I'm exempt from the regular final in the class. Yippee! I know it would be a killer. Too bad I'll still have to take my AP European History one. Oh well.

This means, not counting today:

13 days till classes are over
17 days till exams are over
20 days till graduation
23 days till my graduation/birthday/scholarship celebration
24 days till my seventeenth birthday

Let's all shout "YIPPEE!"

-----

Here's my ironic story of the week. I got my CT scan results back. My brain is totally fine. The injury has made no lasting damage. BUT my sinuses are absolutely horrible. My ENT apparently fixed the breathing part, but she didn't fix the draining part. So the right side of my sinuses? Yeah, they're completely swollen shut. Again.

Not totally sure what the solution will be. She's put me on yet another antibiotic (what's this - number 20 since fall?) and stuck a suction tube up the left side of my nose so far I thought I could feel it in my throat. NOT COOL. And when she put the lidocaine strips to numb my nose up, one of them was so soaked that it dripped on my lips and in my mouth and I choked for like 3 minutes straight. Not being able to feel your lips or half your tongue is really weird, in case you were wondering.

Catharsis

I hate teenagers. I really, really do. And it takes a lot for me to hate anyone. I don't hold grudges. I'm used to people at school talking crap about me, so it normally doesn't even bother me. But sometimes, it builds up to the point where I just break. That kinda happened today.

Today in homeroom, I was talking to the one kid in my grade that I actually trust, Chris. We ended up getting on the subject of how mean and cruel a lot of the kids we know can be. He told me that Friday in first period when I nearly passed out in the bathroom and the teacher came to help me, two kids, Brian and Kristen, started talking crap about how I was faking it for attention because I always want to be the center of everything and that I can make myself feel dizzy (yeah right). They even asked the girl who found me if she thought I was faking, but she ignored them.

Well, how fantastic was it that right after homeroom I had to face Brian in 4th period. *note sarcasm* I was fuming. He's been talking crap about me all semester and harassing me even though I don't bother him. ever. I don't talk to him. I don't initiate any contact. And Kristen's had a problem with me since I was 5, so I knew she hated me, but this year she's never been particularly hateful towards me. The first twenty minutes of 4th period I was still furious, but then I finally decided to just go up to the office and talk to a counselor. I really didn't know what I should do. I started explaining eveerything to her, and I just unexpectedly started sobbing. She went and got an assistant principal, Mr. Bailey, and they were soooo nice. They reassured me that I just didn't deserve this, and that they'd take care of Brian and Kristen. And the counselor called Chris up there and heard him tell it, just so I had some proof to be on the safe side.

I don't really know what they're going to do, but I'm just relieved that they were on my side. Nobody in my school has any idea what I go through every day just to be able to make it through my classes. They don't even try to get it. That's why I don't talk to anyone really. And then they tell me that I think I'm better than them just because I'm quiet. And if I talk I'm being annoying. It's just like I CAN'T WIN. No wonder I get along so well with people that are like 3 years older than me. And I always have.

So needless to say, it was a rather cathartic afternoon.

I survived!

The most stressful week of my high school career, that is.

Four AP exams.

(*For those who don't know for whatever reason, AP is for Advancement Placement. AP classes are college-level classes that are taught at my high school. Each AP class has an exam that is optional for you to take each May. My mom made me take all four of mine.)

Let me just say that I have never been more excited for Friday afternoon in my entire life. On top of the stress of these three-hour tests, I didn't get a good night's sleep all week. Last night I was so tired that I snapped at my mom and then broke down crying for no reason. It was so hard not to fall asleep during the tests, but thankfully I work fast so I could sleep while I waited for the others to finish the first part, and then leave as soon as I finished the second.

But today, today was the absolute worst. Two in one day. I barely got a lunch break in. And then after I finished the second, I had to go to French. AND during the first test, our fire alarm went off. That was grand.

Haha, so my French teacher also taught my sister, Holly. At the end of class, I told him about her fantastic new college plans (dropping out). The guy freaked! But it's out of love, I promise. He told me he was going to slap her at my graduation. :P If you knew Mr. Laughinghouse, you'd know this is hysterical, so just trust me.

Basically, I just can't wait to graduate. I may have said this before, but I'm just so tired of going to school, not even really talking to anyone, and still having people talk crap about me. I just want to scream at them that they have no idea what I go through every day of my life, but I just sit there and roll my eyes because I don't know what else to do. And of course, my teachers don't say anything about it. *sigh*

I've found a new favorite dessert. (Just what I need, another dessert, hah.) Lemon pound cake topped with strawberries soaked in their juice and sugar. My mom made it (or I should say, put it together) when her best friend came over yesterday. I've always loved strawberries.

Okay, that's about it. I'm sitting here chewing gum and watching House. I'm happy.

Oh my, today was rough.

Well, rough may not be the right word. Mostly just exhausting, but I can blame the Hydrocodone for that.

Since I have physical aquatic therapy every Tuesday and Thursday morning, my mom and just decided that I'd go to school for half a day today, and then a full day tomorrow. You'd think it being a half-day for me would make things easier, right? Wrong. I woke up at 8 in terrible pain, but I decided I was just gonna push on anyway. Well, I took Ibuprofen when I woke up, and then a Hydrocodone at 9, not long before my grandma was to come and get me. Normally, painkillers don't have a strong drowsiness effect on me, but I was half asleep the entire ride there, trying to but failing at waking myself up enough for the exercises I knew I was gonna have to do. Strangely enough, I woke up as soon as I got in the pool. I love going to physical therapy. My therapist is amazing, and the other patients that are always there with me are really nice, too. My grandma and I left about 11 and went to go get some lunch before heading to school.

Well, I get to school in the middle of the lunch period I normally have, and so I go to the library. Apparently I have a fine that if I don't pay soon, I'll get in trouble for. Definitely did not know that. I also found out that I am no longer in the library for Pirate Academy (explanation on what that is later), when I was there in the first six weeks. Then the bell rings signaling the end of that lunch, so I go to my English class. First thing I find out is that we're having two quizzes today on Acts 4 and 5 of Macbeth. I thought I'd be good, because my mom really helped me understand it while we read. Those quizzes were so hard, I felt like I hadn't read the play at all. I got a 84 on Act 4 and a 79 on Act 5. EEEK. Then I found out I got an 85 for the second six-weeks grading period. Ouch. I mean, it is still a B, but it's the lowest B possible, and NOTHING like my typical grades. My head started pounding at that point. No fun. No fun at all. Thankfully the rest of the period flew by.

So then it was Pirate Academy. Pirate Academy is this half hour between 3rd and 4th period on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (regular homeroom on Wednesday) where kids can get tutoring if they need it, or they can do different activities around the school, like study hall, reading time, board games, walking on the track, etc. I went up to the office and explain my situation and need to talk to Mr. Bailey, one of the Assistant Principals who also organizes all the Pirate Academy. Well, since I was out for seven weeks, I wasn't in homeroom, and so I didn't get the form to pick my new Pirate Academy for the new grading period. And so they forgot to assign me one. Mr. Bailey wanted to just stick me in a Study Hall that is all the way across the campus from my 3rd and 4th periods. I explained to him that that would kill my back and hips, and then he started getting irritated and said, "I'll see what I can do. Come back tomorrow." God forbid I ask him to work around my physical problems. So I sat there in the office for half an hour because they had nowhere to send me. I have a gut feeling that I'll be doing that tomorrow, too. While I'm there I found out that the office had work from my AP US History teacher sitting there, and it had apparently been there for a while. No wonder I hadn't been getting anything from her. Stupid office people. Either someone in my family or I have been to the school several times in the past two weeks. Now I've got a ton to make up there.

Then I get to fourth period. My teacher refuses to give me any more work because the other French 4 student isn't where I am. So I sat there bored for 90 minutes. That's a stupid rule, don't ya think? I work 5 times faster than this kid. Then at the end of the class, we got to look at our grades for the second grading period, and I have a 94. All I can think is "no way!" so I look at the list of grades and assignments and find out that my teacher switched my and the other student, Jacob's Chapter 11 test grades. I got a 100. He got an 87. He gave me the 87 and Jacob the 100. He tells me that he can switch it in the gradebook but he's "not sure" if he is allowed to switch it for the report card. OF FREAKIN COURSE. So he switches the grades in the gradebook, and my actual grade is a 98 and Jacob's went from a 97 to a 93. I am going to be seriously mad if I don't get my hard-earned 98 on my report card, because that means I won't get the full 5.0 credit points to factor into my GPA.

So frankly, today sucked. And I'm exhausted. But I can't take a nap because I actually have to get up at 5:30 in the morning, and if I sleep now, I won't sleep tonight.

*bangs head on desk*

Big mistake. Big, BIG mistake.

Why, oh why did I overwork myself at physical therapy so badly that I now have searing pain in my left shoulder and knee??? But it sort of makes sense, because I have such bad nerve damage down the right side of my body that, whenever I work out or do any physical exercise, my left side always ends up working much much harder than my right.

Still stressed about school. Thursday afternoon is going to come all too quickly, and there's no way I'm going to get all my work done.

Four AP exams next week. One Tuesday afternoon, one Thursday morning, and two on Friday. I'm pretty sure those are going to kill me.

Oh, and an update on my nose: massive infection. Big shock. So now I get to shoot antibiotic water up my nose twice a day that burns and makes me choke. So fun! The good news is that my sinuses are healing amazingly well, the only infection is right inside my left nostril, which explained the pain all over my face, apparently (I don't really get that part). At least there's not problems with my sinuses healing. I need to be grateful for that. It's just hard to be chipper because I was not in this much pain three weeks out last time as I am now.

Okay, so English has never been my best subject. I mean, I do well in all subjects, and I'm fantastic with grammar and stuff, but I'm still not great with analyzing literature. Well, one of my assignments while I've been out from my AP English teacher is to read Macbeth by William Shakespeare. Lucky lucky me, I have an English teacher for a mother who loves nothing more in the literature world than Shakespeare. She's been reading it with me from this teacher's copy she has of it that has all this extra info, and explaining all the language all the way. I LOVE THIS PLAY! And the interesting thing is that I really don't think I'd like it as much if I didn't have my mom to explain everything. I mean, I love my English teacher, but she's been teaching AP classes for so long that she kind of expects us to get everything right away. So yay me! Haha.

Okay, that's all I've got for tonight. Even though this Hydrocodone isn't taking care of the pain, it is making me sleepy, so....goodnight.

Ugh.

I've felt very dizzy and nauseous for the past 24 hours.
No idea what that's about.
So I've spent pretty much all my time in bed.
I guess it's a good thing that I'm just a kid who has no one depending on her.
Maybe I'll get some reading done.
The deadline for ACR in English is coming up soon.
Or maybe I'll just sleep.
Hmmm.....decisions, decisions.

:)