Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ils me manquent. (I miss them.)

I had a dream last night that I was back with all of my soccer boys. Reafe, Ricky, Tunji, Bryce, Scooter, the two Matts, Jhuvy, Isaiah, Aleksi, and Chirag. It was a long dream. I remember in one part we were out in, like, an outdoor mall type place together, and I was coming out of some shop with Ricky and some strangers started harassing me, and immediately the rest of them jumped up and some of them whisked me away and the others stood there being the protective brothers I know them to be. And then, we were all having dinner together, laughing and joking and they kept saying things that just made me feel like the most important girl in the world. And we were all teasing each other like we did so often last year. I remember feeling like I couldn't be happier.

And then I woke up. And all day I've just had this feeling that I really want to get back to that. That feeling of belonging, of being with people who know me and have been with me through some hard stuff and stood by and loved me anyway. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to be where I am and I love NYC, but I often don't feel like I belong here. And while my church people have been amazing, I don't feel totally free and safe with them yet, I don't feel secure enough to turn to most of them yet.

I miss the hugs of my brothers, both from soccer and Reformation. I miss the safety I knew. I miss the way they made me feel like a queen, but still like I was such a major blessing to them. I miss the way I never had to wonder what they thought about me, or if they were telling me the truth. I miss the way they stood up for me without question or hesitation. I miss their laughter, and their uniquely weird personalities. I miss the light they brought to my life just by being there. I miss the way they trusted me and how I knew I could trust them with anything. But mostly, I just really miss their hugs.

There was a 50 minute break in me writing this post because as I was writing, I decided to text Clayton to see if he was up because talking to him always does me good. And he was. And we ended up FaceTiming for 48 minutes and it was exactly what I needed tonight. Because now I'm smiling and instead of just aching with loneliness, now I'm just so thankful that brothers like him are in my life at all.

For once, we didn't spend much time talking about deep stuff or digging into the Bible. Most of it was spent teasing each other, making weird faces at each other, and talking in strange voices. And that was exactly what the doctor ordered to get my mood up.  Ryann and I always talk about how we have a sister bond and friendship that surpass time and distance, and I'm realizing now that there are several of my friends that I can say I have that bond with. And that's reason enough to smile, even when I'm lonely.

We'll be reunited one day, sooner or later. After all, what is Christmas break for? ;)

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