Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fed Up

So I decided to spend all day out with my grandma and Chelsea because I thought that Chelsea was having an ultrasound today and I wanted to get a peek at Blake. A day full of crap, and no ultrasound since she's going to the high-risk doc next week. Just my luck. I get a day full of hearing how I'm rude and shouldn't be upset that Chelsea is harming and potentially killing Blake for nothing. *sigh*

I am just so fed up with being in this house. I still can't understand how first my mom, and then my grandma, can fuss at me because I'm mad at what Chelsea is doing. I'm TRYING to be nice. But them telling me that it shouldn't be bothering me is just...wrong. They're the ones enabling her to do this, and I'm speaking my mind and saying how much it upsets me, and I get yelled and fussed at. Someone, please tell me how that makes sense.

I'm so tired of getting yelled at for this. My grandmother actually asked me "Why does this upset you?" Uh, because I'm standing by watching my sister harm the nephew I already love, and I basically feel like I'm the only one who cares about him? How can I be getting yelled at for being scared about the well-being of my nephew?

I think I would be handling this better if she had at least made some attempt to cut down. But no. It's like the longer she's pregnant, the more she smokes. And then I have to listen to her say how much she loves Blake, and I don't get it. I'm tired of hearing her say over and over again that the next pack is her last pack. It never is. It's nauseating, to be honest.

Lastly, I realized that part of the reason I'm so scared something is going to happen to Blake is because I know that if something does go wrong, it could very easily destroy Chelsea. She's so emotionally and mentally fragile as it is; losing this baby could be the last straw. As angry as I am with her, I still love her.

I love my family to pieces, but I don't like being here. It makes me so depressed. I need to go back to Campbell, and 38 days is almost too long to wait.

On a side note, today is Holly's 22nd birthday. Happy birthday to her.


  1. I'm sorry you're going through that, must be tough to be in your position. Hope it gets better!!

  2. First time commenter here, Mal!

    I've been reading your blog for a while now and just felt like I needed to leave you a comment today. Mallory, I totally understand WHY you are so upset about your sister smoking and I understand WHY you want her to stop. I don't understand why your Mom or Grandma tell you it's none of your business either and I don't understand at all why they buy her smokes.

    BUT it's not the right way to talk to your sister about this all the time. This way she will just continue to smoke, feel your pressure and maybe even feel like you blame her for harming little Blake. You and me, we both know that she IS in fact harming him. But she is not going to stop just because you get on her nerves all the time.

    Does this make sense to you? I've learned through quite a few occasions that the more pressure, the more nagging a person feels/hears, it's least likely they're going to stop with their behaviour.

    Praying for you, for little Blake and the rest of your family! Hang in there Mal!

    Greetings from Germany,