Tuesday, January 3, 2012

She Will Be Loved

Tonight, I feel the need to read and reread this old post of mine.

I think it's fairly easy to figure out why I'm in this kind of mood, too, which is a plus, I guess.

Last night, I had a dream that Holly and her boyfriend got engaged.  And on top of that, I've been dealing with stupid, unwarranted jealousy issues because she and Matt now live in the same town.  (Stupid because, hello, she has a boyfriend.  Unwarranted because my relationship with Matt has always been a thousand times closer than theirs ever was, and their relationship doesn't change ours.)

I've always been jealous of Holly because, to put it simply, I think she's prettier than and has always had a much easier time getting people to like her.  And it took me until this summer to get Matt to admit there had been sexual tension between them for years.  Holly gets what she wants, and I know her well enough to know she'd have no problem going after the guy she very well knows I've been in love with since I was 16.

I'm getting off topic.  Anyway, I guess what that dream and those feelings have to do with the mood I'm in right now is the fact that I basically feel like my self-esteem would take a major blow if both of my sisters get engaged before I ever even get a boyfriend.  A lot of the time, they both, whether they mean to or not (well, I know Chelsea means to, I can't say for sure about Holly), make me feel like they're somehow better than me just because they've both found their "soulmates".  Like I'm somehow less important.  And Holly's and my relationship is so shallow that I can't even face her to tell her, because I know she wouldn't get it - she'd just blow me off and tell me I'm being silly.  That's what she's done in the past.

So frankly, I'm struggling tonight, and trying to focus on the fact that I know that just because I'm single now, that doesn't mean I'm "less than" them.  I'm not the only girl my age who has never had a boyfriend.  Heck, Callie from the Vespers is, in my opinion, even prettier than Holly, and she's never had one, either.  That sounds shallow, I know, but it's comforting in my head.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them."  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I love God.  That is what counts.  God knows that my heart's desire is to be a wife and a mother.  That will come true.  I believe that it will because I am loved by the King of the universe, and He delights in making me happy.

I pray that I will remember how much I am loved by God when my sisters attack me, or when society pressures me.  I pray that I will always believe that there is someone out there for me, who will love the parts of me that even I am frustrated by.  I pray that I will remember to stop comparing every guy I meet to Matt.  I pray that I remember there will be a man one day that is better than anything I could ever ask for.  I pray that I never forget that I won't regret saving myself for my husband, but I will almost certainly regret it if I don't.

Most of all, I pray that I never forget where to find my self-worth.  I cannot find my self-worth in Matt, or my family, or any of my friends, not even in myself, for that is when I will become too self-important.  I can ONLY find the worth of my existence in the God that created me with an exact image in mind.  He planned every tiny piece of my personality, my being, with a specific purpose, a purpose that is meant to glorify Him.  And He knows the day, the minute, the second, that I will meet the guy with whom I will spend the rest of my life.  He always knows.

But hey, if I have to listen to sappy songs about love to distract me, so be it. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you. I think you know enough about me by now to know that I know where you're coming from with this post...