My Leap Day was strange, that's for sure.

Well, here it is.  Leap Day.  The day that only comes around once every four years.  All because it takes Earth 365 and a quarter days to orbit around the sun and we can't be bothered with the fractions until they add up to one.

It is the first Leap Day since I started this good ole blog (Which, holy cow, I've been blogging for THREE YEARS as of last Thursday).  A teacher I had in high school's daughter was born on Leap Day.  A blog friend got engaged on Leap Day four years ago.  Another friend was almost born on Leap Day.  I personally think that's fun.

My Leap Day wasn't all that spectacular, but it was odd.

I woke up to a message from Jay on Facebook explaining why he stood me up on Skype again and saying all sorts of things I've heard from him before.  I do need to chill out, but he needs to realize I don't do friendships that only exist on one person's terms.  But whatever.  I'm too tired to deal with it today.

I went to French Lit and Dr. Steegar tried to tell me he did tell me that I could write the essays in English, and I'm about 186823% certain that he didn't because that's something I would remember in a class as hard as this.  At least that was all in fun and that whole class was sarcastic and fun.

Then I studied for Psychology, and the test ended up being soooo much easier than I expected it to be, way easier than the first one was.

Here's the best part of the day.  Then, I got an email from my grandfather, the same grandfather to whom, mind you, I have barely spoken over the past decade.  You wanna know what this email was about?  How he's been noticing my activity on Facebook and that I'm a Democrat, and then all the reasons why it's impossible to be a Democrat and a true Christian, oh and if I read or understood the Constitution I would know that Barack Obama can't possibly be president because he's not a natural-born US citizen according to a video that was FAKE, a video that was spliced and edited together to make it seem like he said things that HE NEVER SAID.  I responded once as politely as I could possibly muster, and he wrote that he just wanted me to "keep an open mind" and I thought "I can't keep an open mind about A LIE. THAT would be undermining the intelligence you claim to understand that I have." but didn't respond.  Like seriously?  You barely speak to me for over a decade, and this is the impression you want to start off with - calling me ignorant and not acting like a Christian and undermining my intelligence?  I talked to my mom tonight and told her the story and she busted out laughing.  Now, just to avoid the risk of some political debate busting out here, let me say this: I don't care if you hate Obama.  I really don't.  That's your right, and your business.  ALL I want is for you to hate him for reasons based in logic and fact.  Claiming he is not a US citizen is not based in fact considering he has been so willing to show his birth certificate to the world he put it on coffee mugs. This country has way bigger issues on its hands; please for the love of the God all the Republicans hold so dear, can we GIVE THIS UP?!  And that is the end of my political rant.

Then I went to Water Aerobics and forgot my entire lesson plan because I spent so much time trying to find riddles to tell, because that's sort of our habit.  And I had to do it all in the shallow end of the pool, so I got out and was in the most pain I've ever been from that class. (I usually do it in somewhat deeper water because it's lower impact and I need that for various reasons.)

Then I went to Math and that test was also easy.  And then I went to dinner.  And then I took the night off because my mind is exhausted after all that has gone on today.

Oh, and also in the middle of this, all week I've been dealing with a guy from my hometown that transferred to Campbell last year who is running for Executive Treasurer of the SGA on a "ticket" with two guys who have been sabotaging the College Democrats at every possible opportunity harassing me about why I'm voting for my good friend Gabe (who is running for President) and his ticket instead of them.  AFTER he told me he wasn't talking me to try and influence me about my vote.  Luckily, annoying college Republicans are less aggravating than US politics.  I can handle these dudes.

Oh, and here's some fun news.  Gabe has convinced me to run for an SGA representative of the Junior class. Heh.  Don't worry, that's new, I haven't been hiding it.  There's not much to say, though, because nominations aren't even until after Spring Break.  He did say he's going to help me campaign, though, which is pretty sweet and awesome.

I'm amazed I had this many words still in me considering how fried my mind feels.  I just originally wrote "fields" instead of "feels."  I think that's a sign I need to get off here.

He better give me bonus points.

So.

Remember how I've mentioned about six billion times how nervous I am about that French Lit test?

Well guess what I found out today.

The three "short essays" (as Dr. Steegar calls them) that I had to write? Could have been written in English.

I went to lunch again with Pam today after Conversation/Composition (it's sort of just become a habit) and we were talking about the test.  We figured that Dr. Steegar would probably change the essay questions on hers and Ryann's (because all teachers do that because, well, people talk about tests), but I was telling her about the ones I remembered from it.  I mentioned one that was comparing and contrasting two political pieces from two different authors and I said "I had NO idea how to answer that one!" She said "That would've been hard enough to do with the book open!" And I said "Or in English!"  She stopped and looked at me all serious and said, "Oh, you don't have to write them in French!"

Excusez-moi?

He totally did NOT tell me that.  I could have written a whole lot more than what I wrote if I had known that part.  As of class this morning, he hadn't looked at my test, so that is why I didn't know about it till Pam told me.  What probably happened is that he forgot I didn't take the first half of the class last semester, and Pam and Ryann did, so he thought I knew about it.  And frankly, I'm surprised he even lets this happen.  Dr. Steegar LOVES French.  (Clearly, since he's taught it for the past 40+ years.)  When talking about our book report, I asked just to clarify, "And it has to be in French, right?" He said, "Well, you can do this first one in English, but I'd prefer it in French." Which is basically Steegar-code for "I'm going to tease you if you turn in an English copy.  This is an upper-level course!"

So yeah.  Not sure how I'm going to fix this one.  That aside, talking about it all with Pam made me just that much more nervous to get it back.  Go figure.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.  I have a Psychology test at 10, it's my day to teach Water Aerobics at 1, and then I have my Algebra midterm at 4.  I'm going to be so fried by the end of the day.  Speaking of which, I still have to look and figure out what I'm going to teach tomorrow, so I better get on that.

Today was better than yesterday, though. So there's always that to be happy about.  Plus, I happen to know some pretty spectacular people who love me even when I worry way too much. :)  Yay life.

Another Monday gone.

Well...today did not start off cool.

That French Lit test?  Basically made me want to cry.  I have never felt so utterly incompetent in my entire life.  And Pam was sick and Ryann was on a plane back from Ohio which meant I got to go through the torture all by myself.  I guess the good news is that I know Dr. Steegar is an incredibly nice professor and he's pretty merciful with his grading, but I'm still not going to quit worrying about it until I see the grade on Wednesday.  And when I do see it, I may or may not cry.  Just sayin'.  Nerd alert!

Psychology was fine.  I actually stayed awake through the entire thing, which was a bit of a surprise.  We have a test on Wednesday and I'd say my level of concern for that exam is appropriate for a student who cares a LOT about her grades.  Meaning, I'm going to study, but I'm not going to freak out like I did over that French Lit test.

Water Aerobics was fun, per usual.  I'm teaching on Wednesday, because I offered to switch days with the guy who was supposed to teach Wednesday, but is instead going with Campbell to the conference basketball tournament because he's in the band.  So one more thing to add to my to-do list.  At least I can go ahead and get it out of the way.

And then I came back to my room and basically hung out all day, which wasn't that smart of me considering my to-do list, but I needed to relax.  Watching Pretty Little Liars, The Lying  Game, and Castle, all dramas/suspense shows/mysteries probably didn't help with the relaxation, but hey.  This day is done.  Now I can go to bed, and hopefully get a better night's sleep than I did last night.

On to tomorrow.

And I was up past 3 am anyway.

Between folding laundry and finishing all those stupid notes, I didn't actually get to climb in bed until 3:30 am.

Waking up today was so not fun.

Reading a really really strange play for my French Lit book report kept putting me back to sleep, so that took way longer than it should have.  That, and the fact that I don't have a very long attention span for things that don't interest me all that much.  And in case you were curious, a 17th century play about a guy who has a major man-crush on another guy and is trying to marry his daughter off to him even though the daughter is actually in love with another guy her age and the first guy ends up getting swindled by the guy he's got that man-crush on but then the Prince and the police come and save the day so he and his family get to keep their house doesn't interest me all that much.

I honestly haven't done much of anything else today except homework, taking a shower, shaving, and eating.  I still need to review my notes for tomorrow's test and get to bed.

Yay midterms week.

If I were ambidextrous, this problem would be half as bad.

Guess how many pages of notes I am in the process of rewriting. 

30.

No, that's not a typo.

Thirty freaking pages of French Lit notes.  I don't know if you've ever tried to sit down and write thirty pages of notes but it is PAINFUL.

That's seriously been like 75% of my day, and I'm not even done yet.  In fact I should probably get back to that in hopes that I'm not up till 3 in the morning.

Yay college.

All I know is I better KICK BUTT on this test on Monday.  Otherwise I may just have to chop off my left hand.

I'm melting. MELTING!

It was almost 80 degrees today.

Eighty. degrees.

In February.

In-freaking-sane.

I have been so miserable, hot and sweaty because Campbell refuses to turn on the air conditioning until, like, Easter, so even when I turn the little knob tthing in my room all the way to Cool, I still have hot air.  So it's really not cool.  It makes me feel bad for all the people who live without air conditioning every day.

On top of that, every few days it switches between 60s/70s and 30/40s, which is totally not good for me because all these changes in weather are screwing with my sinuses.  Mother Nature, get your act together!  And if this warm winter means we're going to have an extra-hot summer, I'm going to cry.  Just sayin'.

In other news, YAY FRIDAY.  Friday means I get approximately 70 hours where I don't have to deal with people unless I actually want to deal with them.  I got to have dinner with Elizabeth, which is always a good time.  It's apparently become a habit of ours that we go to Starbucks every time we have dinner.  I know, I know, why did I want hot chocolate when it's so blasted hot outside?  I have no idea, truth be told.  I'm an enigma.

I have three, or probably four tests next week.  And then I go home.  Aside from the fact that home means off this campus, Mom, Blake, and Blake's birthday (whoa baby that child is going to be TWO in a week and a half!), I'm not terribly excited about either.

Good night world.  If I don't come back tomorrow, it's because I've melted in this heat. 

I'd rather be cold.

I never said I couldn't be awkward.

So I had a bit of an "open mouth, insert foot" moment in French this morning.  We were doing this listening exercise on Dr. Steegar's boombox thing (and I'm not sure if that's what it's called).  We are a very sarcastic bunch, mind you, so I was kind of ragging on him because he couldn't get the rewind and fast forward buttons to get the CD to go to the points he wanted.  So he (jokingly, of course) acted all offended and handed the player over to me.  Then I proceeded to have almost as much trouble as he did. Oops?  Good thing all five of us know that everything we say in there is sarcastic and joking, because otherwise I would've felt really bad.

Then I went and had lunch with Pam (from French) and it was kind of funny because we spent almost the entire time playing Words with Friends on our phones.  Yay technology.

Then I went to Economics and it was AWESOME.  I was so nervous about getting back the test that I took on Tuesday.  I get there, and he splits the entire class up into groups of three, and get this...We retook the test and worked together. I've never seen a professor do that before!  I'm pretty sure he takes the higher of the two grades.  What a relief!  I know of several questions that they explained to me why a different answer than the one I put originally was the right answer, so I'm very optimistic!

Then I came back and did basically nothing except take a shower and eat dinner before I went to a College Democrats meeting that NO ONE (except officers) showed up to.  They are driving that club into the ground.

And then I had a Skype (text) chat with Jay.  He promised I'll get a real webcam chat this weekend. He's so freaking cute.  He cracks me up, and the fact that he worries about me as much as he does is just adorable.  So yay!

And now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and just grinning even though it's kind of depressing..

Yay.

It's a revolt.

I would just like to forget today.

I woke up this morning and the entire right side of my body hurt really badly.

I don't know why.  It's just one of those days where I have unexplainable pain.

The good news is I made it to French, Psych, and Algebra.  I skipped Water Aerobics because I figured it'd be just too painful to try.

The pain is better than it was before, but still not cool. 

I told Ryann my body was "revolting against me."  Because that's what it feels like.

But hey, whatever.  I manage.  I always do.

Nonetheless, I'm ready to be done with today.

The good news is my French test was moved to Monday and my Psych test was moved to Wednesday.  Then I have my Algebra midterm Wednesday night.  Fun.

Maybe laying down will be more comfortable.

Whoa. Thank you, Glee.

I've mentioned before how much I like Glee.  It is one of my staple weekly shows that I just can't stand missing.

But let's face it.  Most people don't watch that show for the suspense or thought-provoking plots.  People watch that show for the music and teenage drama and laughing at plot holes and continuity issues.

Until tonight, that is.

In approximately 44 minutes of screen time, we saw a former closeted bully get harassed, attempt suicide, survive said attempt, his former bully victim comfort him in the hospital, the worst bully of them all try and blackmail his competition and then turn out to have a soul and raise money at a singing competition to support victims of bullying, two teenagers about to get married, and a girl get T-boned in a car crash texting while driving.

The flow may not have been stellar, but I'll just say this: This show has never broken my heart more.

I know what it's like to be bullied.  I know what it's like to be that depressed.  I know what it's like to feel like you're going to be an outcast forever and feel like there's no point to living your life.  No, I never attempted suicide, but I definitely thought about it.  However, if I hadn't had Matt, that last sentence would probably be different.  So yeah, I get it.

I wanted to reach into that television and just hold Dave (the guy who attempted suicide).  I wish I could tell him that as cliché as it sounds, life really does get better, and that there are people who love him.  How my life was so painful and now I'm surrounded by true friends that would do anything for me.  And then it made me start thinking about all the real life kids who hit Dave's point every single day and don't survive.  About all of the stories I find online of 13 and 14-year-old kids killing themselves because of people who tell them they're not worth it.

I hate to sound like a PSA, but why can't we all just be nicer?  Especially Christians.  A LOT of the kids who bullied me were kids I was in my church's youth group with, and I really wanted to ask them (and their parents, who weren't much better) if they really thought that Jesus would tell them to discriminate and make someone else feel worthless and "less than."  Would Jesus tell them to tell people to burn in hell for being gay?  Would Jesus tell them to call an overweight kid names?  Would Jesus tell them to tell the nerds to kill themselves because they don't have lives?

You know the answer: No.  Jesus would sit down with the gay kid, the overweight kid, the nerd and have dinner with them.  He would let them know they are loved and have worth and that they MATTER.

I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching.  I'm guilty of this, too.  In fact, I was guilty of it yesterday.  Not this harshly, but I was getting really annoyed by a girl in our Water Aerobics class and thought some pretty hateful things.  And frankly, I'm ashamed of myself.  I have to be better.

Jesus died for me.  He died for you.  He died for all of us.  Our job as Christians isn't to shove Him down everyone's throats and tell them our way is the only way to live or they're going to die a fiery death in the pits of evil and that's where they belong unless they agree with us.  Our job is to love everyone and to tell them of a Love that is so much greater than all of us. 

Everyone is worthy of love.  Even the people who are mean to you.  They're still worthy of it, too.  Because they're human and they sin and they might be dealing with something you have no clue about.

We may be Christians, but we are no better than the Muslims, or the Jews, or the atheists.  Our faith doesn't make us perfect; our faith makes us seem perfect to the One who created us.  Our faith doesn't make us success stories; it makes us forgiven for our failures.

At least...that's how I see it.



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Cliché, but also true.

This second one, it's just for fun. :)

Ready...set...go!

The next two weeks are going to be in-freaking-sane.

But what do you expect?  It's the last two weeks before midterms.

That basically means every single professor is going to cram as many tests and projects as they can fit into ten class days (well, nine technically, since today is over).

Starting tomorrow, I have an Econ test.  Wednesday-Saturday I have a Math test (yay online tests!), Friday I'm "probably" going to have a French Lit test.  And I still have to read a play in French and do a book report next Friday.

One would think I would be used to this constant fatigue feeling seeing as it's been this way for years due to some of the medications I take (and no I can't quit them and there's nothing I can switch to), but I'm not. 

I'm exhausted basically all the time.  And it's hard.  And I feel like I'm a complete fake because I have people asking me how I do all I do and stay happy and normal and I have no idea. 

But I keep going.  Because, in my eyes, I don't have any other choice.

And that's how I see it.  Blunt? Always. Whiny and harsh? A little.  But you can be damn sure that when I put my mind to something (ie finishing college) there's not a thing in the world that's going to keep me from it.

I have too much here on earth for me, supporting me, loving me, keeping me going to give up.

I don't know where this came from, and it probably doesn't make much sense, but for tonight, it's what you get.  Blame the migraine and 6:30 wake up time this morning.

When little things turn into big things.

Friday night, I tweeted a comment about how bad my acne is and that I wondered what it was going to take to get rid of it because I've already tried so much.

When I woke up yesterday, I had a reply from Taylor (from the Vespers) saying he'd "been there done that" and it took high powered acne drugs to clear up his face.  He said to text him about it, so I did.  His reply said he'd call me after rehearsal. 

Well, he never did.  But he texted me just after midnight apologizing because he just remembered.  No big deal, he got distracted, and it's not like it was an urgent conversation.  He said he'd call me today, so we figured out what time and such, and he said he'd set a reminder so he didn't forget this time. :) 

Yes, he called almost exactly when he said he would.  He told me about this medicine called Acutane that was like a miracle for his face, and seeing as he's not the first person to tell me about it it's making me seriously consider calling a dermatologist (if only I had the time to go see one).

Somehow, a simple conversation about acne medications turned into an eye-opening conversation about God, us, friendship, and so much more.  He said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, and I learned so much about him that really helped me to understand who he is as a person.  For some reason, I feel a strong need to keep the things we talked about private (I know, me actually keep something private?! There's a change for you. :p) because it just feels really personal to us and he's a really personal and private guy.  Suffice it to say, that was a completely unexpected path for a conversation that only happened because of zits.   Haha! 

Those thirty-five minutes on the phone with him, sharing our hearts with each other as two friends just trying to do the best we can and honor God throughout it all, was just really...beautiful.  It made me remember just how lucky I am to know Taylor (and Bruno, Callie, and Phoebe, of course).

Don't you love when God surprises you?  I know I do. :)

Edited to add 9:52 pm: I just talked to Taylor again, and he said when he went to church this afternoon (they have a 3:00 service), his preacher talked about some of the exact same stuff we had talked about.  God was certainly up to something today, wasn't He? :)

Same story, different Saturday.

Amy took me for a quick trip to Walmart so I could get laundry detergent and computer paper.  Thank the good Lord for making my Saturday even brighter by putting a Girl Scout cookies table right in front of the entrance.  I've been doing fairly well with this whole diet/losing weight thing, but I can't say no to Girl Scout cookies.  Thin Mints, come to mama! :)

I Skyped with my friend Vivielle for the first time.  I always love getting to put voices with faces I've known for a while.  That was a fun conversation.

I watched Wolfpack basketball.  And we lost.  (See, I told you this was a typical Saturday.)

I talked to Mom on the phone for a couple minutes, and she put Blake on, and I got to hear his adorable little chattering and him saying "Mal" and doing the Wolfpack howl and giving the phone a big kiss. Melt. my. heart.  Can't wait to get home in two weeks and see that boy!  This beats out Thin Mints for highlight of my day. :D

I did homework.

I watched/am watching Dateline: Real Life Mysteries.

And I'm about to do laundry.  And more homework.

Yay college.

This time is different.

I knew I had to get up at 6:30 today.

I knew that I don't do well when I don't get enough sleep.

So why exactly did I stay up till midnight last night?

Oh yeah, I remember.

Jay.

We got into talking, and he kept asking me to wait for him because he was playing some game and didn't want me to leave, and I just couldn't say no.

But look.  A friend pointed out something to me in an email this morning (and to that friend: don't worry, I promise I'm not mad!), and it made me wonder if more of you darling blog friends of mine would have the same concern that she had.  So I want to talk about something for a second.

I know I can let my emotions get the best of me.  I give 100% of myself to every single one of my relationships, and that's something I will never apologize for, because I like how much I care about my friends.  I also know this blog has been a bit too boy-focused as of late, and in retrospect, I realize that this is one of many times that I get really really excited when a guy talks sweet to me.  You wanna know why?  It's because every time it happens, I have this internal battle where I have to convince myself that I really am worth the attention.  That's been a longtime battle of mine, as you all know.

I made a mistake with Nick.  I let myself read more into what was happening than was actually there.  I got ahead of myself and assumed things would happen the way I was hoping they would before I ever thought to look for confirmation that I was right about it. 

I made a mistake with Landon, too.  I tried to force the situation between us to be something it probably never can be just because I felt so much love for him.

But I won't make those mistakes with Jay.  Jay is different.  I know him very, very, very well, much better than I knew Nick, better than I knew Landon, as well as I know any of my friends here.  (Well, except for Matt, but I don't think I can know anyone as well as I know Matt.)   And for the first time in my life, I really have been taking things slow, probably because there's no other choice. (Hello. 3724 miles apart.)  This...thing, whatever it is, that's going on with us has been going on for a year and a half to two years.  Even more, though, I trust Jay.  He's not going to jerk me around.  He's always been very honest with me, even when it's not what I want to hear.  I didn't know Nick well enough to trust him, and I don't think I ever let myself really trust Landon because I was still scared of him hurting me again.  (With good reason, apparently.)

And if you remember the incident last January when I said that Jay hurt me, that was actually way more complicated than it was meant to be.  When he said my telling him my problems was "burdening" him, I took it as him saying he didn't want to hear them, but he later explained that it made him feel horrible because he wanted so badly to help me and knew he really couldn't.  Besides, I'm in a different place now.  I found my peace, so I'm finally able to just have fun with him.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is this: Yes, I do get very excited when boys pay attention to me, but I'm still me.  I'm still realistic, and I've taken lessons from my past to know what not to do this time.  That part's just not quite so much fun to blog about. ;)

I believe Jay loves me.  While what kind of love that love is is yet to be determined, I truly believe he does love me.  I don't know any 20-year-old guys that will write "I love you" on a girl's Facebook unprovoked and not mean it.  More than that, I know he wouldn't.  So yes, it's fun, and yes, it makes me giddy and excited, but he's there and I'm here and this is not going to even possibly go anywhere until he comes over later this year.  So until then or until this changes, I'm going to enjoy the cuteness, I'm going to enjoy the butterflies, I'm going to enjoy knowing I have someone that cares for me like he does.

Isn't that what this time in my life is supposed to be about in the first place? :)

Yay genetics.

Yay test results.

Yay answers.

Boo for the fact that my mother has the same (genetic) autoimmune disease that my grandma has.  Crohn's Disease is nasty.

How much you wanna bet decades from now I get the same diagnosis?  Hahaha. 

The good news is it's treated with medication.  Which means no surgery like we thought she was going to need.

Also good news is that I can stop worrying about it.  I'm getting better at the whole trusting God thing, but I still have a looooooooooong way to go.

For now, though, I'm just gonna be grateful she's okay. :)

Proof Positive

You know how yesterday I was talking about how loved I am?  Well, here's your visual proof (as if you needed any.)  I know it's too small to read. Click on it and it will get bigger.  And if you still can't read it, the comments aren't that important, just look how many people commented on and liked it. :)

I don't really have anything to say about most of it.  It's just flat out proof of how many people love me.

But this?

Well, I don't think you want to get me started on that. :D  Or maybe you do... hehehehe

If this were Twitter, my hashtag for today would be #giddy.

Happy Valentine's Day

Mine was just a regular Tuesday.

But you know what?  I'm okay with that.  

I'm not gonna lie and say I don't have my moments, but I like my life.

There are some perks to being single.

I get to gush about crushes on boys and say I think someone's cute whenever I want to.

I don't have to feel like I'm obligated to spend time with anyone.

I get to want to be ALONE sometimes and don't have to feel sorry for it.

I don't have to factor anyone else into any decision I make.

Besides, I have friends that love me even when I'm ridiculous and hormonal and cry over nothing and angry and give them so many reasons not to love me, that bless me for no reason at all, that are there for me when I need them.  I have a Mom who loves me more than words, who would die for me, who's saved my life on multiple occasions, who teaches me every day how to grow up and what it means to be an adult.  Most of all, though, I have the love of a God who let His son die for me to save me from all of the evil in the world, who loves me even more than I can understand.

It's safe to say that my "love tank" is pretty full. :)

I have the rest of my life to find a husband.  I'm 19 years old, for crying out loud!  I have decades to get married and have kids.

And if I don't have decades, well, I'll be dead and in heaven, and the whole "being married and having kids" thing isn't really gonna make a difference.

Happy Valentine's Day, you beautiful people.  Remember this if you remember nothing else at all: You are loved.

I'll chock this up to girl hormones.

I just got text-yelled at by the College Dems president.  I texted her asking if we had an officer meeting on Thursday and if she had the details about the event next week.  I wanted to know so I could get the flyer for the event done by the officer meeting so I could give the other officers some to help me post them around campus.  Because I EXPLAINED to them all at the beginning of the semester that I am not physically able to post them all over campus by myself.  And they all said it was fine, and that they didn't mind helping me.  And a couple weeks ago, for our meeting last week, they didn't mind helping me.

But today I texted her asking if she had details (time/place) about the event next week because I'd like to have the flyers done before Thursday so I can give them some at the officer's meeting (if we even have one, since she never told me that, either) so they can help me.  I got an angry text about how I'm the Public Relations Director (yes, I'm aware of that, thank you, and I basically don't do anything because of your lack of delegation) and if it's going to get advertised, it's my responsibility not theirs and I need to quit asking them.

This girl KNOWS about my physical issues.

TWO WEEKS AGO she didn't mind helping me.

SO WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT.

And since my period is due in a week, I flat out just broke down and started sobbing.  I shouldn't have, I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it.  Thank God for my mother.  Once I got her on the phone, she calmed me down, gave me just enough of the reality check that I needed, and made me laugh.  Then I posted a VERY vague Facebook status about it, and five people who responded made me smile and laugh some more.  :) Always a good mood-lifter.

Still.  Not cool, huh?  It's one thing to pick on me for being a nerd, it's another thing to pick on me for my physical issues.

Sigh.  I hope this is just hormones.  I hope I just cried because I'm way more sensitive thanks to the always fantastic PMS, and I hope she's just ill-tempered from stress or hormones or whatever. 

At least I have Castle to distract me.  Between this and the fact that I felt the effects of Water Aerobics WAY more today than in the past few weeks, I'm gonna crash hard when this show is over.

If I were "normal"...

I'd be watching the Grammys right now.

But there's no fun in being normal. ;)

In all seriousness, though, I've never understood people's overwhelming excitement over these awards shows.  There's about a billion of them (I still don't know the difference between an Oscar and a Golden Globe), and they go on and on AND ON.  And I simply don't get that thrilled looking at six thousand celebrities wearing gowns and tuxedos walking and posing, and walking and posing.

Yeah.  I just don't get it.

So instead, I'm going to bed early.  I got all of my work done and I have a headache, so that's all that sounds enticing to me right now.

Gosh, I love sleep. :) (I suppose that makes me a somewhat "normal" college student, huh?)

Random, but also cool, I love that this semester I am actually excited for a new week to start.  This has been happening for several weeks now.  No, I still don't enjoy getting up on Monday mornings, but I lose that feeling once we get going in French.  I'm not sure this has ever happened before.

Oh, and also, Mom told me today (yes, I talked to her, thank goodness.  She said her pain is getting better so yay for that. Full details on Thursday) and she said that as soon as we find out where my internship will be in DC, she's going to get an article in the town newspaper (called The Tideland News) about me and all my awesomeness.  Haha!  So I think that's sweet.  :)

Okay, seriously.  Good night.

I'm feeling very accomplished today.

I started out yesterday afternoon with a very large to-do list.  It involved work for Algebra, French Lit, French Conversation, Psychology, and Economics.  Plus laundry and dishes.

Now all I have left is Economics and finishing folding my laundry.  And it's only Saturday night!  If you knew me, you'd know that that is really, really impressive.

I'm going to bed as soon as I finish the laundry, because last night I stayed up till 3 am reading absolutely unnecessary stuff online, and it made it really difficult to get up this morning and then stay awake enough to do my work, and that wasn't 100% successful seeing as I kept dozing off while doing my Psychology reading.

Must stay out of that brown recliner.  I always fall asleep when I read in that chair.  Not my fault, though.  It's just. so. comfortable!!

I haven't heard from Mom yet this weekend, which is a bit odd.  I need to remember to check on her tomorrow.

Okay, I really should go get that laundry out of the dryer.  I hate taking up a dryer unnecessarily.

Easiest Friday ever.

I got up at 6:30 and got ready.

I went to French Lit from 8:00-8:50.

Then I came back and slept from 9:30-2:00.

That, my friends, is how you do a Friday.  :)

I won't be getting another one like this anytime soon, though.  Psychology was only canceled because my professor is out of town at a conference, and Steegar basically never misses class.  But hey, I'll take it.

When I woke up, I goofed off, ate, and worked on the massive list of homework I have to complete this weekend.

I'm also currently watching a Dateline on the Josh Powell story/Susan, Charlie, and Braden Powell murders.  It's horrifying, and heart-breaking, and infuriating, and nauseating, and just horribly sad.  It's hard to remember that I need to pray for Josh, knowing what he did, but I must.  It is not my place to judge what he did, as much as my heart breaks for those two innocent little boys and their mother. 

I have so much work to do.  I need to get off of here and do some more work and just go to bed.  Which should be an interesting experience in itself considering that long but oh-so-fantastic nap I took.  Oh well, it was so worth it. :)

Make me better.

I had my first test in French Conversation/Composition today.  It was not fun.  Not fun at all.

However, it didn't suck nearly as bad as the French Lit test next week will.

Of course, the fact that I didn't remember that we had a test until about 7:30 last night didn't exactly help, but hey, at least I felt prepared, right?

I thought the test was going to be easy because Dr. Steegar said there were only five sections, four of which were basically conjugating verbs, plus a composition.  So I thought it'd be done in no time. 

Heh.  I imagine God laughed as soon as I thought that.

When Dr. Steegar explained the directions for each section, he said he wanted a "detailed, full-page, well thought-out writing."

I wrote three pages, front-back-front.  So I didn't get out of there till ten minutes before the period ended.  Dr. Steegar loves to crack jokes about how wordy I am and how "I don't need to write him a book."  It's a good thing I like that man, and I know he likes me, too.  He makes fun of the ones he likes.

But the truth is, I don't really care about any of what I just said in the least

I care about the fact that my friend Lauren's stepdad, a good, loving, kind, Godly man, just passed away from a brutal, extremely rapid fight with a rare form of brain cancer.

I care about the fact that my friend Morgan's mom just had spine surgery.

I care about the fact that Ryann is so stressed out she's been sick for weeks and doesn't have time to go to the doctor because her soccer coach has claimed every spare second of her life IN THE OFF SEASON.

I care about the fact that in one week, Mom will find out what these biopsies say.  I've never been good at waiting, and I know it's driving her insane, even if she doesn't want to admit it.  But God willing, we will finally have some answers.  Please, God, please just give her some answers. 

I've been thinking about my conversation with Gabe last night basically since I walked out of Chick-Fil-A.  Lasst night when I was talking to him, I was so caught up in "why my family?" and "why do all these things keep happening to our family?"  Gabe said he didn't know what to tell me because he has had an "easy life" and as much as I like that kid, I was angry and jealous in the moment.

But today I realized that it's not just us.  Everyone has problems.  Everyone loses family members. I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.  I don't know people's stories, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.  I can't hate people like Gabe just because he has a good life at home, or whatever.  That kid is one of the most caring and attentive college-aged guys I have ever met.  Gosh, I have been so self-centered!!  I seriously needed this wake-up call.

God, please help me to be more selfless tomorrow.  Help me make it not about me.  Help me help others however they need me.  Help me to stop worrying about me.

Make me more like You.  Make me better.

Don't miss it.

Don't miss the moment where you can realize the impact of cutting something and someone out of your life.  You'll learn that maybe everyone else was right, maybe you really are stronger than you think. (a) day 1 no soda/caffeine. b) Landon and I are done, actually we were done as of a couple weeks ago -  he disappeared, and I can't take the back and forth anymore. I told him that I was deleting him if I didn't hear from him. I deleted him. He didn't come looking for me. I can only assume that's what he wanted and he just wasn't man enough to admit it.)

Don't miss the moment where you can push yourself to your physical limit.  It's the only way you can get better.  Water Aerobics is kicking my butt, but I can feel my muscles getting stronger.  Especially in my right arm, which is a miracle.  I have so much nerve damage on my right side that it's incredibly hard to feel any strength or much control of the muscles.  But this is making a difference.  It's awesome.

Don't miss the moment where you can shove all of those assumptions you didn't know you had made into the garbage for good.  People will surprise you when you least expect in the most beautiful ways, sometimes without doing anything at all.  I had dinner with my friend Gabe tonight, and I learned so much in that 45 minutes with him, about God, about family, about friendship, about who he is as a person.  I learned I had to drop that high school mindset I keep gravitating back towards FOR GOOD.  The good-looking, popular people can be my friend.  I have zero reasons to be scared of a guy who was nice enough to come out and sit and talk with me about people he doesn't know and experiences he's never dealt with.  But he has no idea how much he helped.

Don't miss the moment when you can feel God whisper, "It's going to be okay."  That's the moment that will keep you from losing your mind.  I haven't let on how stressed I've been about what's going on with Mom, mostly because I'd be repeating the same things over and over again.  That's a lot of what Gabe and I talked about.  By the time I left, I felt God telling me that no matter what these test results say, no matter what is going on, we can get through it.  He will give me the strength to help Mom in whatever way she needs me, even if that way is just to leave her alone.

Don't miss the tiny moments, the moments that seem like they probably won't matter.  Those are the moments that can change your life and change you for the better.

Keep all tailless donkeys away from me.

Today was much better.  Well, less weird, I guess, because yesterday was overall okay, too.

I only made an idiot out of myself once, so that's an improvement.  Ha!  It was at the end of our College Democrats meeting.  (Which, that went better.  I ran into Dr. Mero and mentioned how I was feeling and what had been going on, and he said he'd talked to Tracie, the president.  I'm not sure if he already did, but if he didn't, that means hopefully things will STAY better.)  We were playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" (because we're Democrats, get it? haha Tracie thought she was so clever) and I was trying to avoid playing, but they made me.  So Chris spun me around, and he made sure I was headed for the wall when he stopped me, just like I saw him do with everyone else.  Instead of going STRAIGHT, ya know, TOWARDS THE WALL, I totally veered off to the left and ran into the desks.

Which is exactly why I was trying to avoid playing.  Ugh.  That was kind of embarrassing, but no one made fun of me (to my face, anyway).  It's my lack of balance!

All that aside, today was good.  Dr. Steegar let class out almost half an hour early, which he has NEVER done in the entire five semesters that I have had him.  I always love French. 

I got invited to join the Pi Gamma Mu Honor Society in the Political Science/History/Criminal Justice Department.  $45 for a lifetime membership and the resume boost?  Yes, please.  Of course, they mailed the form to Mom and I never got the email, so I had to go by today, and the receptionist had already sent the forms back to a professor, and he wasn't in his office, so I have to go back tomorrow.  It's weird that I don't ever really go in that building anymore because I have no Political Science classes this semester.  Oh well, soon enough I'll practically be living in there. 

Okay, I have nothing else to say.  Here's a fun video for your enjoyment.  It's a song by some dude named Gotye, but Pentatonix is in the video, and they won the most recent season of The Sing-Off.  I don't like the original, but I LOVE THIS.  It's been on repeat almost constantly since I downloaded it (for free!) yesterday.

Note to self: Read messages in full.

Today was just full of "A+ Mal" moments.

Did you catch the sarcasm?

Number one: I remembered about 3:00 this afternoon when I was in the shower that I was supposed to be at Dr. Steegar's office....on Friday.  Though I'm not quite sure if he realized it seeing as he didn't say anything in class this morning, but still.  Three. days.

Two: I called my friend in the middle of her photography class trying to find a ride to Water Aerobics because Chelsea gave me about 45 minutes notice that she wasn't going to class today.  But I suppose in my defense, how was I supposed to know she would answer in the middle of class?

Three: I asked a complete stranger to give me a ride to the pool. Thank the Lord that she was nice enough to do it.

Four: I saw a status on Facebook from my friend Gabe saying that if we filled out this survey in our email we could take it to the SGA office and get some free gift.  Well, I apparently missed the word "tomorrow" or something, and it didn't occur to me that the SGA office would be closed at 6:30 at night, because I spent 30 minutes walking around the building that I knew housed the SGA office in its basement in the freezing cold trying to figure out how to get in.  Thankfully another complete stranger clued me in.

Five: I spilled soy sauce ALL over a table in the dining hall.

What a day.  I am exhausted.

Here's hoping I'm not quite such a dork tomorrow.

Oh, who am I kidding.  That's not going to happen.

Sports and Pictures

I don't watch NFL football.

Y'all know me.  The only football I do watch is NC State football.

So can someone, ANYONE, explain to me why I cannot let myself go to bed until the Super Bowl is over???

I could not care less who wins.  Yet I also refuse to go to bed.

I don't even know what my mind is thinking in this one.  And yes, I do know I'm a dork.

Oh, I finished my wall, so I decided to take pictures of everything so you could see. :)

The full wall.

My Vespers poster.  The one I got signed at their Charlotte show in April.  This has been on my wall all year.

Me and Jay on the left and me and Paddy on the right.  They're my two favorite British boys.  I can't wait to see them this summer!  The Jay picture is from the farewell dinner on the US portion of the exchange, so the last time I saw him.  The Paddy picture is from the day we arrived in Liverpool.  I'm surprised I look so bright and awake, because I was pretty much running on adrenaline at that point. (4 hours of sleep in 48 hours, not good for me.)

Pete, me and Ben.  They're from Scarlet Grey, whom I was blessed enough to meet in Charlotte in March 2010.  These two pictures make me smile every time I look at them.  I miss them so much!

The Christmas 2011 picture of me and Matt.

Blake.  This is from a professional shoot we had done of him in December.  Can't have a picture wall without one of my Blake man! :)

Me and Amy at the 125th Anniversary Ball in October.

Me and Ryann.  Of course.

Me and Elizabeth at the Anniversary Ball.

The "information page" on my Compassion son, Mauricio.

(There was a picture here, but Elijah's Hope asked me to remove it.  That is also why his picture is blacked out in the full wall picture at the top.)

This is something new. Or rather, someONE new.  I've read a blog for several years named A Place Called Simplicity. Linny, the blogger, and her husband Dwight have adopted 8 of their 11 children, and just recently moved from Colorado to Phoenix because their newest daughter, precious Ruby Grace, has hydrocephaly and several other issues that require close proximity to skilled doctors.  (I totally get that.)  Dwight was a pastor, but he retired when they realized that had to move.  Now that they have settled in Phoenix, Linny and Dwight have decided to become full-time international missionaries to the orphan and third world pastors.  Part of this new ministry is a leg called Elijah's Hope, where you can "adopt an orphan in prayer," committing to praying for them to get a forever family.  Pretty incredible, huh?  Well, Guru is "my" orphan. :)  I'm so glad to be able to make a difference somehow.

This is me and The Vespers in October.  It was originally on my wall above the picture of Blake, but I taped it wrong and so it wasn't sticking.  So now it sits on my desk.  :)

Oh, look, and that took so long to write the Super Bowl is over.  Awesome.  Good night world. 

Oops?

Today has been horribly unproductive.

The only homework I've done was my reading for French Lit.  I sat down in my chair to read Psychology and ended up falling asleep for 3 hours.  I'd say I'm sorry that happened, but that would be a lie.  That sleep felt fantastic.  I love that chair.  I wish I could bring it to DC with me.

Now it's actually a good thing it's this late because all four of my laundry loads are washing right now.  Which makes the laundry process go way faster.  :)  I love doing laundry here.

And yes, I know that sounded weird.

It just occurred to me like fifteen minutes ago that today is my cousin Brianna's 13th birthday.  Holy crap, that girl is a teenager.  Insane.  It feels like it was just yesterday I was 13.  I'm getting old.  I feel bad for forgetting, but I'll just text her tomorrow.

Matt is such a dork.  He's on Facebook talking about how messed up his sinuses have been for about a week and he doesn't know what's going on.  Apparently that school of his didn't teach him that when you don't have bad allergies and your sinuses have been messed up for a week, that means you're sick.  ;)  I told him Sudafed and Mucinex D would help since I know that boy doesn't have time to go to a doctor between teaching all day and dishwashing at night.  What would he do without me?

Don't ask how my mind works, just go with it.

My friend Elizabeth came to my rescue tonight.

I was sitting in my room super bored.  I saw her sign on to Facebook, and so I asked if she'd eaten dinner yet.  She said no, and asked if I wanted to get together.  I said yes because I was, like I said, SUPER BORED. 

FYI, super bored?  It's like regular bored, except I'm also wearing a cape.

So we went off to Chick-Fil-A and had dinner and sat and ate and talked and it was lovely.  She gives such good advice, and she's like Ryann in that she's super protective of me.  She said she still wants to punch Nick for what he did...two months ago.  Ha!  I love her to pieces.  After we sat there a while, I said "You know what I want now?"  And she said "coffee" and I said "hot chocolate" at the same time.  And then she said, "Coffee is my hot chocolate."  Haha!  So we went off to the Oasis where the mini-Starbucks is and sat and drank and talked some more.  Two hours with one of my dearest friends was the perfect solution to my boredom problem.

And then I came back and did absolutely nothing important except my Algebra homework.  I taped a bunch of pictures of my favorite people on my wall, and I think I'm going to add some more tomorrow.  I'm tired.  And hot and sweaty because my room is like a sauna.  Thank God for fans. 

Also, thanks to my lovely excursion tonight, I have this in my head.



I love The Polar Express, and that is my favorite scene in the whole movie.

Okay, I'm done.

Vesperversary!

Dude.

My life rocks.

Like, seriously.

I have ridiculously awesome friends (here and around the freaking world!), hilarious professors at a school I absolutely adore, and a Mom who still thinks about protecting me when she's in pain.  (Pray she gets some answers to this severe pain in her side that she's had for weeks, two major tests today and tomorrow.) 

I always love French.  French is just awesome.  Dr. Steegar is awesome.  The fact that I have it with my best friend is awesome.  I ran into Dr. Steegar in line at the deli getting lunch and I made a joke, and I had to tell the workers I'm one of his students so they didn't think I was being rude, even though he was laughing.

And I love my Econ class more and more every day.  Today, Dr. Steckbeck made a joke talking about if we had a car from the '50s our only seatbelts would be lap belts and then "when you get in a car wreck, you'd be split in two and then you'd be beside yourself."  The entire class cracked up laughing, and he laughed so hard he turned bright red and it took him a full two minutes to catch his breath and get back to normal.

Right now I'm having a hilarious conversation with my British brother Paddy, and he's just so awesome.  3+ years later and I still absolutely adore this kid.  I can't wait to see him in August!

Wondering what a Vesperversary is yet?  It's the anniversary of the day I met The Vespers!  I met four of the coolest people on the planet one year ago today.  And yes, I did wear my Vespers t-shirt in celebration.  And tweeted about it.  It made them smile and laugh, which was just gravy.

I mean, I don't really know what else brought this mood on tonight, but it's here, so I'm going to take full advantage of it. :)  Well, I would if I didn't need to get to bed, but I'm enjoying it now!  So that counts for something.

What makes you the happiest?

Believe it or not, as cheesy and cliché as this is going to sound, my answer?

Helping people.

I don't think anything makes me happier or feel more fulfilled than when I get the opportunity to "be there" for someone else.  I love knowing that I have made someone's day brighter, that I have made a difference to someone in some way.  I don't care if it's helping someone study, or just listening to them vent about a problem, or anything else, I just want to be doing something. 

I told a friend in a conversation one day that if I can die knowing that I made a difference to even ONE person, then I can die feeling as if I have succeeded. 

Case in point:  There are only two guys in my Water Aerobics class.  I'm not gonna lie, getting to watch two good-looking guys work out is a part of the reason why I like this class. ;)  Their names are Blake and Kerry.  I don't remember ever seeing Blake before, but I vividly remember seeing Kerry all over campus many many times over the past two years, I just never had a good reason to talk to him before because I don't think we've ever had class together.

Well, today after class, those two and Chelsea and I were all leaving the pool at the same time.  They both waited and held the doors open for us, which was an automatic point in my book because I feel like I don't see that very often anymore. :)  We talked for a minute as we headed out and it was kind of funny because when I asked them their names, they asked mine and Chelsea's, and then Blake said, "Nice to meet you. Well, that sounds weird, being in class together 3 weeks and saying 'nice to meet you.'  I guess, nice to know your name."  Sorry, I guess you had to be there.

Anyway, I promise I'm getting to the relevant part.  When I got back to my room and sat down to cool off for a minute (70+ degrees on February 1st, welcome to NC), I remembered Blake's last name from hearing Mr. Burckhardt call roll, so I looked him up on Facebook (isn't that what everyone does nowadays? hello, social media age), found Kerry on his friends list because I knew they were friends and added him, too.  They both relatively quickly accepted the requests (which was nice because for a minute I was afraid it'd come off weird), and I did the also-usual reading of their Facebook profiles.     That was when I noticed something on Kerry's.

He lost his dad in the not too distant past.  Almost immediately, something in my head said "Reach out to him."  It may have been God, it may not, who knows, but I did it.  Because I know how quiet people can keep subjects like this, how lonely it can feel, how it's something that you can't totally understand unless you've been through it.  So I sent him a simple Facebook message. 

"hey :) thanks for accepting the friend request. I was looking around at your facebook and saw that you lost your dad not too long ago. so I just wanted to tell you that I've been there, I lost my dad several years ago and his birthday was actually on sunday, and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it, I love to listen to people. I mean, I know that guys usually don't like to talk about their feelings and such, but this is a really crappy situation, and I know how hard the pain can be, so I just thought I'd put the offer out there that I'm here if you ever do need someone. have a good day. :)"

He literally INSTANTLY wrote back a thank you, saying that he'd "definitely keep that in mind". 

Who knows if he'll need me.  That's not what I care about.  What I care about is knowing that I simply offered.  Because I was so young when my dad passed away, I don't think I really started processing it all till a few years later, when I hit that awkward pre-teen/teenage stage when I didn't want to talk to my family, and I had no friends, and I often wished I had someone who would listen to how much the grief sucked.

Part of me feels like I wouldn't have been doing my dad and the story losing him has given me justice if I hadn't said anything.  Does that sound crazy?  I guess what I mean is that I'm trying to make something good out of it, and helping people is what I know I can always do, or at least offer to do.

So yeah, that's the highlight of my day.  Or at least the only recap-worthy part of it.

P.S. I'm not gonna lie.  My love language is words of affirmation.  I like knowing someone needs me.  That's probably a tad selfish, but I think it ties back in to the whole "I want to make a difference to people" thing.  I don't know.  I'm going to bed.