Friday, February 17, 2012

This time is different.

I knew I had to get up at 6:30 today.

I knew that I don't do well when I don't get enough sleep.

So why exactly did I stay up till midnight last night?

Oh yeah, I remember.


We got into talking, and he kept asking me to wait for him because he was playing some game and didn't want me to leave, and I just couldn't say no.

But look.  A friend pointed out something to me in an email this morning (and to that friend: don't worry, I promise I'm not mad!), and it made me wonder if more of you darling blog friends of mine would have the same concern that she had.  So I want to talk about something for a second.

I know I can let my emotions get the best of me.  I give 100% of myself to every single one of my relationships, and that's something I will never apologize for, because I like how much I care about my friends.  I also know this blog has been a bit too boy-focused as of late, and in retrospect, I realize that this is one of many times that I get really really excited when a guy talks sweet to me.  You wanna know why?  It's because every time it happens, I have this internal battle where I have to convince myself that I really am worth the attention.  That's been a longtime battle of mine, as you all know.

I made a mistake with Nick.  I let myself read more into what was happening than was actually there.  I got ahead of myself and assumed things would happen the way I was hoping they would before I ever thought to look for confirmation that I was right about it. 

I made a mistake with Landon, too.  I tried to force the situation between us to be something it probably never can be just because I felt so much love for him.

But I won't make those mistakes with Jay.  Jay is different.  I know him very, very, very well, much better than I knew Nick, better than I knew Landon, as well as I know any of my friends here.  (Well, except for Matt, but I don't think I can know anyone as well as I know Matt.)   And for the first time in my life, I really have been taking things slow, probably because there's no other choice. (Hello. 3724 miles apart.)  This...thing, whatever it is, that's going on with us has been going on for a year and a half to two years.  Even more, though, I trust Jay.  He's not going to jerk me around.  He's always been very honest with me, even when it's not what I want to hear.  I didn't know Nick well enough to trust him, and I don't think I ever let myself really trust Landon because I was still scared of him hurting me again.  (With good reason, apparently.)

And if you remember the incident last January when I said that Jay hurt me, that was actually way more complicated than it was meant to be.  When he said my telling him my problems was "burdening" him, I took it as him saying he didn't want to hear them, but he later explained that it made him feel horrible because he wanted so badly to help me and knew he really couldn't.  Besides, I'm in a different place now.  I found my peace, so I'm finally able to just have fun with him.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is this: Yes, I do get very excited when boys pay attention to me, but I'm still me.  I'm still realistic, and I've taken lessons from my past to know what not to do this time.  That part's just not quite so much fun to blog about. ;)

I believe Jay loves me.  While what kind of love that love is is yet to be determined, I truly believe he does love me.  I don't know any 20-year-old guys that will write "I love you" on a girl's Facebook unprovoked and not mean it.  More than that, I know he wouldn't.  So yes, it's fun, and yes, it makes me giddy and excited, but he's there and I'm here and this is not going to even possibly go anywhere until he comes over later this year.  So until then or until this changes, I'm going to enjoy the cuteness, I'm going to enjoy the butterflies, I'm going to enjoy knowing I have someone that cares for me like he does.

Isn't that what this time in my life is supposed to be about in the first place? :)

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