Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Accepting the Truth

I've reached a big, big point in my life.  A point that I've been simultaneously waiting to hit and avoiding for three years now.  And now that I'm here, I feel....free.

You're probably either wondering what I'm talking about, or thinking I sound a tad on the crazy side, or both.  But anybody who has followed this blog for any length of time will want to hear this.  I promise. 

My journey through my relationship with Matt has been well documented (possibly too documented) over the past two and a half years.  We've been through several ups and downs and I've let out all of my happiness and frustration here at each step.  This is partly because I just like blogging, but also because I don't know who I could've talked to about all of this and not be judged for it.

He's special to me.  That's no secret.  He is my best friend far beyond anyone else.  He is everything a lost and lonely girl like me could ask for.  He is kind to everyone, funny every second of the day, and gives the world's greatest hugs.  He's taught me just about as much about life as my mom has, and that's a lot.  He's held me when I cried, cracked jokes to make the tears or anger go away, and most of all, he's forgiven me and understood when I freaked out at him because of personal demons and fears that were not his fault.  I have yet to meet another person who is so willing to forgive as he is.  Most of the people I know would've left, and did leave me behind years ago, unable to put up with my severe trust issues because of people who abused my heart.  But he didn't.  He never once got mad at me when I questioned him and us, because he understood why I was doing it even when I didn't.

Writing it all out like that, it's not really much of a surprise that I fell in love with him, is it?  I fell in love.  Hard.  But from the second I realized how deeply I loved him, I knew having my best friend was more important to me than anything else.  And so I didn't tell him for a long time.  I kept all the words my mouth was begging to say bottled up inside because I had a track record of losing guys I cared about as soon as I voiced feelings.  Eventually, he figured it out, though.  I don't think I gave him enough credit, but subtlety never has been my strong suit.  When he figured it out, I told him part of it.  Again, because I didn't want to scare him away.  And it was fine.  He was himself and reassured me.

That was May of 2009.  I spent the next year and a half watching him deal with one girl drama after another, but I was used to it.  He knew I'd always be there to pick up the pieces.  But what he never understood is how much it truly broke my heart every single time I watch him get hurt.  I was lovesick, dreaming of us being together.  I refused to accept the fact that it wasn't possible, even as I watched him fall in love with Simone.

It wasn't until January of this year that I finally told him the 100% truth.  As my friend put it, I "didn't leave any stone unturned."  And again, he was Matt.  His first words, after I told him I was in love with him, were "It's okay. You can share anything with me."  I will never forget that.  Even after he explained his "no" in a lot of depth, things he'd never told me before, my heart still wasn't ready to let it go.  I still wasn't ready to lose hope.

Here's what this rambling is getting to...

I've now given up that hope.  But it's a good thing!  I'm actually completely okay!  I've accepted the truth that Matt and I are just not supposed to be romantically together.  If we were, it would've happened already.  (Is that cheering I hear? :)  I don't know what caused it.  I was just thinking last night, and it hit me.  You all have probably been wanting to scream the exact same information at me for as long as this has been going on, so be happy for me.  :)  I still love him beyond words, but maybe one day soon that love will only be loving him as my best friend.  This was the first necessary step.

This is the first step to really, completely getting over him.  A long time coming, huh? 

5 comments:

  1. It's sometimes hard to accept reality (I know) but then it frees you up for something wonderful that you are deserving of!

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  2. And so the year of peace continues through the process. Well done, Mal, well done! <3

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  3. From personal experience: admitting it's not going to happen is probably the hardest part of getting over it. Good job. :)

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  4. Hey Mal,

    I've been reading for awhile but I'm not sure I've ever commented! I definitely understand your situation with Matt, my best friend Luke and I have pondered taking our relationship to the next level for so long, but sometimes it's just better to be friends, even if it's hard to admit it!

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