Matt Turner

Today I am participating in a blogging day of silence in remembrance of Matt Turner.  He is a TV news anchor from Arkansas, and the husband of one of the bloggers I love.  You can read his obituary and learn more about him and his family here.  Saturday night, he was killed in a car accident, leaving behind his wife, Julee, and 10-month-old daughter, Preslee.  Today is his funeral.

Please, please pray for Julee, Preslee, and all the family and friends who are grieving the loss of their husband, son, brother, and friend who was taken from the ones he loves most in a tragic way that we cannot understand.  Pray for God to wrap His arms around all of them and give them a peace that passes understanding.  I am thankful that Matt was a man of God, so this is not the end for them.

Thank you.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Caught up in grace like an avalanche.

Y'all, God is so, so good.  I am just so overwhelmed at the evidence of His grace and love in my life.

Tonight, I went to the ladies' small group meeting organized by my church and run by the pastor's wife and the wife of one of the guys in the band.  I don't know why I didn't know something big was going to happen tonight, but that's usually when God's able to really blow my mind.  And y'all, my mind = blown.

The study we're doing is on The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler.  This week's video was called "The Gospel Matures You" and was basically about how to approach our relationship with Christ and our aim to live life in a Godly way with the right mindset.  It focused a lot on Colossians 3:1-5.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.  Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil, desires and greed, which is idolatry."

This hit me.  Hard.  It's something I know I struggle with a lot.  It goes back to the whole feeling like I'm not as good of a Christian as other people.  I tried to get the behaviors right so I could be like these people I looked up to, and I completely missed the point of salvation which is having a relationship with Christ.  There were times that I think I believed that God existed, I just didn't believe in the saving power He holds.  There's a BIG difference between knowing God exists and having a relationship with Christ.  I spent so much time focusing on my sin and shortcomings that I totally missed out on admiring the perfect grace and love that waits for me in heaven.

My life is hidden with Christ.  All of my failures, sins, shortcomings, the times I went astray, the times I lost my faith entirely, all of that is hidden in the perfection that is Jesus Christ because he paid my debt for me.

It brought me back to my conversation with Taylor on Sunday night.  This and so many other parts of tonight's meeting covered a LOT of the same stuff that we talked about with each other.  And as Taylor put it when I texted him to tell him about the meeting and how much lined up with our conversation, "That's encouraging because it helps me feel like we're on the right track."  Exactly what I was thinking.  It's like how I felt when I heard the church band playing "Cannnons" on Sunday; it was like I saw God look down and wink at me.

Tonight, and the women that were there with me, 100% confirmed the fact that this church is where I am supposed to be right now.  The past few days is something I'm still trying to process, but I think I'm realizing that this kind of love is something I'm not supposed to be able to process.  It's the love that passes all understanding, the love that makes a Father give up his son for torture, humiliation, and death to pay for the sins of an imperfect girl trying to find her way in the 21st century.

This feeling I have right now is so special and so incredible that the only words I can think of to describe it are the words of a song I first heard at Sanctuary, "Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United.

And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart

Please, if you don't know Jesus Christ, listen to this song.  He died for you just as much as he died for me, and he loves us both.  If you are willing to open yourself up to God's sovereignty, I can promise you it is the one choice that you will never, ever regret.  All of the pain, fear, and doubt you're holding onto will fade into darkness when you let go and fall into Christ.

I know this because I was there.  I know what it's like to be terrified of the one thing everyone is saying is so good for you.  But I let go, and I'm experiencing everything that was waiting for me for so long.  I don't know a lot about this life but I know this much - this feeling of overwhelming love that I have right now makes every dark piece of my story worth it.

Impact

The best laid plans go awry.  I had fantastic plans last night to get ready for bed as soon as Revenge was over at 10:00 last night in order to catch up on the sleep I missed the night before.  And that was exactly what I did.  That was why I had last night's epic blog post done so early - I wanted to make sure that was taken care of before 10:00.  It was between 10:30 and 10:35 when I was walking toward my bed.

Just as I was laying down, the phone rang.  Fantastic timing, right?  It was Taylor.  That kid will always be more important to me than sleep, so I sat down in my recliner (in the dark), and now I am SO glad I didn't tell him I wanted to sleep.  We talked about a lot.  We  talked about the blog post.  I couldn't wait to hear his reaction because he was one of the few people that I texted to keep me accountable, so I knew he had been praying about it for me in advance.  To know that there is someone out there who rejoices in my triumphs and God's hand in my life as much as he does is an encouragement that I can't adequately describe.  Talking about yesterday at church transitioned into reminiscing about the night at Sanctuary and my baptism.  He told me this hilarious story about how when I went up to him that night to ask him where to go for the baptistery,  he didn't figure out what I was doing; he thought I was trying to get the "full touristy experience."  Then, we started talking about just the work God is doing in my life in general, and I got to hear a lot about his testimony that I had never heard before.

I don't even remember at this point what else we talked about.  All I know is that it was midnight when I finally hung up the phone, and I went to bed with a smile on my face despite a pounding migraine.  As much as my relationships with all four of The Vespers has been a surprise to me, my friendship with Taylor has been the biggest one of all.  He's known for a while that I consider him and Bruno my brothers, and that he is one of my best friends, so that wasn't a shock when I said it in the conversation last night.  What was a surprise to me, and apparently to him as well, was when he said I'm one of his best friends, too.

I've been thinking about our conversation pretty much all day today and the impact that it had.  This is why I stopped apologizing for being me.  This is why I'm not sorry for the heart that I have for people.  Because as big of a pain in the butt as my intensity can be sometimes, there are people in my life who see it, who know some of my darkest places, and love me, anyway.  These are the people who love me through all the screw-ups, who see past all the times I fail them.  These are the people who love me when I'm at my worst and keep me in check when I'm at my best.  They let me know that I don't have to change to please them, and remind me that I should only change to please God.

Taylor is the perfect example of this.  He knows more about my heart, my story, and my past than just about anyone, save for Matt and Ryann, and he doesn't judge it.  He's not afraid to tell me anything, even confronting me in Christian love when he sees a mistake I'm making.  Our personalities are so similar that I feel like we understand each other better than most people can.  I meant what I said in this post - he's the kind of man I want to marry one day.  I see his heart, his humility, his passion for people, and all of that challenges me to learn more about Christ and seek what He can do in my life.  It's so hard to believe that he and I are as close as we are now, but I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am that we are.

It's people like Taylor who cause me to regularly admire the love that God has for me.  That's the love that I really can't understand.  God loved me so much that He gave up His child to suffer all the pain and humiliation that I deserve for my sins.  And I see His love for me when I look at people like Taylor.  God has put His love on earth within reach in people that teach me through their presence in my life as yet another gift to me.

This is why I will go to the ends of the earth to fight for friends like Taylor.  It's because he has been there through so much and never wavered.  He has let me pour my heart out and been so patient.  And even better, he doesn't do it so I can write a blog post about what a blessing he is, he just does it because he loves people and he loves me.  To put it simply, God has used him to change my life.

The thing that blows my mind the most, though?  He's not the only person I have like this in my life.  He's just been on my heart a lot as of late, and because of what a blessing that conversation last night was, I had to get these words out somewhere.  So there you go.

Reflecting on all of this makes me pretty certain I'm going to go to bed smiling again.  :)

Going Home

Today was a day that was six years in the making.

Today was the day I returned to church for the first time since September 2006, when my hometown church essentially kicked me out.  When that happened, I was already in such a downward spiral of depression that I didn't really need another reason to not want to believe in God, but that just sort of solidified it.  I figured there was no point in trusting churches because people were just mean, and at first, I thought that I could still be a Christian without going to church.  You know the saying, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."  Well, then with all of the subsequent medical trauma that happened over the next few years, I lost my faith entirely (as you well know), so needless to say, years went by without me stepping foot in a church really quickly.

When I had to go to that church service for my Intro to Christianity class, I didn't pay attention to anything other than what I had to take notes on, so I just don't really count that.  So aside from going to Christmas Eve service last year (which I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in the middle of), and when that same church who treated me so badly asked me to speak in January (which wasn't even a real service), I have not gone to church in 6+ years.

Truth be told, I've known this day was coming for a while, I just didn't know when.  It started that night at Sanctuary, when I realized that there were actually still churches out there full of people who would lift me up.  That was the first time I remember thinking that maybe I could open myself up to a church community again.  Well, the end of school was crazy, and the summer in DC was crazier, so I just didn't think about even maybe going to church much at all.  During that time, Brennan told me over and over about how I needed to lock myself in with a body of believers, and I was in such a weird/bad place at the time that I couldn't even ponder what good that would actually do.  The thought stayed in the back of my mind, though, (good thing Brennan is just as persistent as I am) and I had this deep-down feeling that soon enough I would be going back to church.

Then, I came back to school, and from the first time I met up with my friend Elizabeth, she started asking me to come to church with her.  I wanted to, but I just couldn't let go of that fear.  I didn't see it as fear at the time - things just kept getting in the way, too much homework, sick, out of town - but looking back, I know that those were all just excuses for the fact that I couldn't let go of how afraid I was of churches.

Then, one day, one of my favorite bloggers, Linny, posted a link to a recording of a talk that her husband, a former pastor, gave at their new church (they're just members there).  I love her blog, and I know a bit about her husband, so I was curious to watch it.


Let "It" Go from Phoenix First on Vimeo.

It's long, so don't worry about watching it if you don't want to.  The important part is that when Dwight got to the point in his talk where he spoke about "laying it down" and how God asks us to lay certain things down because He has something so much greater waiting for us, I felt God speak to me four simple words:

Lay down that fear.

Well, as soon as that video was over, I knew what I had to do.  So I called my friend Elizabeth and asked her to take me to church with her this Sunday (today).  And then I texted a few of my friends to keep myself accountable (because the people pleaser in me knew that if they were expecting me to go to church on Sunday, that would keep me from backing out).

I'm fairly certain that satan was trying to get to me last night, because I was trying to get up with Elizabeth while at the game last night and her phone was off and I had no idea what time she was picking me up today.  I knew the service starts at 11:11, but I also knew she gets there early to work the coffee bar, so I just had no idea what time to expect her, or if she'd even remember to pick me up!  I ALMOST freaked out, but then just decided that if I couldn't get up with her this morning, I'd go to the church right off campus by myself.  Nothing and no one was getting in the way of me.

I didn't get to sleep until 5 am this morning, but I still managed to get up at 8:00 and call Elizabeth.  She didn't answer, but thankfully, she called me right back.  She had forgotten to turn her phone back on after going to the movies yesterday, hence the no answer last night.  Once I knew what time she was coming, I figured I'd just stay up and get ready.  Of course, seeing as she is Elizabeth, she was 15 minutes late, but she picked me up at 10:00.  This is where the day got cool.

The church?  An old theater.

Hence the name Theater Campus.  Elizabeth quite literally called it "Theater Church."  So, awesome.  It felt way less informal.  I walk into the main room, and next to the coffee bar is the candy bar.  Seriously, there were M&M's, Skittles, Twizzlers, and Starburst sitting on a table.  IN CHURCH.  As soon as I looked up from that, I saw the band on stage, and they started playing.

God Moment #1?  The song they started playing was "Cannons," a song I heard for the first time at Sanctuary.  

I basically just hung out, Elizabeth introduced me to a bunch of people, and waited for the service to start.  I love that they start at 11:11.  As Elizabeth said, no one ever forgets it!  There was music from the band (modern worship songs instead of old hymns) and a baby dedication.  Then, Pastor Sean spoke.

God Moment #2?  His sermon was the introduction to their new series called "Represent," and it was all about what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  He talked about something that I've struggled with my entire life: feeling like I'm not as good of a Christian as some of my friends who have had a strong faith their entire lives.  I spent so much of my life feeling like no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't doing it right.  But Sean used one of the most, if not THE most, quoted verses of the Bible to show me that I am good enough just as me.  "For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish  but have eternal life." John 3:16  Whoever.  As long as you believe in the saving power of Jesus Christ, you are taken in as God's child.  It doesn't matter who you are, whether you've been a Christian for a day or all your life, where you come from, what you've done, the sins you've committed, the life you live, anything at all; if you believe, you will not perish.  God's timing is so good - I'm so grateful that God made my first week back to church coincide with a sermon that I needed to hear so badly.

After church, I waited for Elizabeth to help clean up.  Then, about a dozen of us went to this Mexican restaurant that I didn't even know existed, and it was DELICIOUS.  I asked to get a picture with Sean, just because.  And yes, that is what he wore to the service.  You know you go to a laidback church when the pastor wears a button-down and jeans.  I won't be dressing quite so nicely next week as I did today.

God Moment #3:  I spent a few minutes talking to Sean throughout the afternoon, and we are meeting sometime this week so I can tell him about my story.  He said they're always looking for people to share their testimonies, and God has given me such a passion for telling my story lately that I pretty much jumped at the chance.  So I may be speaking at this church in a few weeks. :)

Suffice it to say, I have found my church.  From the second I walked in the doors of that church today, I felt like I was home.  I haven't had a feeling like that since the night of my baptism.  I can't wait to go back.  I can't wait to be back with that crowd.  Any remaining wall I had still up about trusting a Christian community or trusting a church is gone.  

With that, I have found yet another way in which God has redeemed and is redeeming the pain of my past.  I used to think that I wouldn't see or understand my redemption until I got to heaven.  Now, I realize that it's everywhere, every day, in every choice I make that brings me that much closer to Him.

There will never be adequate praises of gratitude.  All glory goes to God.  Only He could pull off something like this.

Wolfpack For LIFE!

It's past 3 in the morning, and because I'm insane and decided to do my laundry after getting back in the middle of the night instead of, oh, I don't know, going to bed, I have to wait for my laundry to dry, so I need to recap how amazing this night was.

Carter-Finley Stadium will always have a piece of my heart.  I always feel so much closer to my dad when I am there, and there's just something about being surrounded by 58,000 fans screaming at the top of their lungs for a team I've loved all my life that gets me so excited I was literally jumping up and down on the way into the stadium tonight.  And it was perfect football weather: low 60s, slight breeze, a night game so no sun.

On the way into the stadium, we were stopping by the T-shirt stands so we could each get a new T-shirt, and the most random thing happened: I ran into my cousin, Melissa, who I seriously have not seen in about a decade and met her husband Stephen for the first time (they got married in 2007 and have since had 2 boys).  How does that even happen?!  

Since we got our tickets only two weeks ago, the seats we had were up in the rafters in the visitor section, so we decided to try and snag some of the handicap seats on the main level.  We've done it before because there's almost always someone who doesn't show up.  Well, this time, the guys who actually had tickets for our seats did show up, but they were such gentlemen that they let me and Mommom stay in the comfortable stadium seats and sat in these foldout white chairs next to us.  We had good fun talking to them throughout the beginning of the game.

I always love seeing the Marching Band perform, aka the Power Sound of the South.  And let me tell you, they live up to the name.  They are ridiculous.

Then, the game....well, uh, the first half was just painful.  Our offense got nothing done, and our defense could not hold off Florida State's incredibly fast offense.  At halftime, we were down 16-0 and I seriously felt like I was at a Campbell game.  Ha!  The second half was a totally different story, and the score was 16-10 in the middle of the 4th quarter.  People slowly started pouring out, giving up (remember how people did that at the Maryland game last year???).Then, a miracle happened, and we got an interception with about two and a half minutes left.  We got a touchdown with 16 seconds left on the clock.

We beat the #3 team in the COUNTRY, Florida State, 17-16 after being down 16-0 at the half.

The stadium was ROARING.  I may very well have no voice tomorrow after screaming so hard in the 4th quarter.  It was so worth it, though.  It was worth screaming my head off to irritate the FSU fans who stood behind us talking crap the entire first half. :)  I LOVE MY WOLFPACK.

And to make it even better, I literally ran into Richard Howell and Lorenzo Brown on the way to the bathroom.  As much as I love Wolfpack football, I think I love Wolfpack basketball more, especially after us making it to the Sweet 16 in the NCAA this past spring.  And Richard has always been one of my most favorite players on the team, so to meet him was kind of a dream come true.  He was so nice, too, and so very humble when listening to me talk about how much I love him and the team!  (Yes, Lorenzo is on the phone.  College boys. :p)

Needless to say, with the game starting at 8, we didn't even get out of the handicap parking lot until about 12:45, which meant we didn't get to Campbell until 1:45.  I SHOULD have gone to bed, but I decided to do my laundry because tomorrow is going to be busy.  I know I'm crazy, you don't have to tell me.

And to put the icing on the cake of this amazing day, I went and picked up a new poster frame, so my newest Vespers poster from the best week of my life is now framed in its rightful place on the wall in my room.

Now I have to go fold laundry.  It's no wonder I can't sleep.  I'm so happy I feel like I'm still on an adrenaline rush!

Ryann

This girl right here?

The wicked talented athlete, the girl with model-worthy looks, the fiercely protective friend, the girl with a crazy sense of humor and wit that not everyone gets?  Yes, her.

She is my best friend.  She is everything I always wished I had in my sisters, and she is everything Matt can never be because he's a guy.  She is the first girl that I've ever really trusted, the first girl I ever let see beyond the surface, the first girl I let into my private life in extensive detail.

I am SO lucky to have her in my life.  It's still so new to me, having a girl friend like this.  It is such a good feeling to know that there is a girl that is so protective of me she gets mad at a guy she's never met just for hurting me.  We are different in a lot of ways, that's for sure.  The biggest one is something I've realized just in the past few days in that we process things very differently.  She's a thinker - she sees things as very black and white and logic-based - and I'm a feeler - I react to things happening in my life based on my emotions.  So it's good that I have someone who's always there to give me a reality check and force me to look at the logical side of things, but who is also willing to understand me to the point that she understands why I act and react the way that I do.

We both have taken all the crap we've dealt with in the past and allowed it to transform us into better, stronger, more independent women.  And for every way that we are different, there are five ways that we are alike.  We laugh at things other people wouldn't understand.  We finish each other's sentences.  We aren't afraid to act like complete goofballs with each other because we are who we are and we're not afraid of it.  We will do absolutely anything to protect each other.

She is, hands down, one of the strongest, most capable, most athletically talented people that I have ever met.  But she's also got one of the biggest hearts.  She is willing to go to bat for the people that she loves and never forgets the people who push her down the path anyone who knows her knows she is destined to be on.  I'm honored to be one of those people because I know she is meant to do great things.  And if there's anyone who could achieve the goals she has for herself, it's her because she also has an extreme determination and knows how to fight for what she wants.  

We both have had issues of letting people past walls we've built up, especially girls, and I think it's because of that that our friendship just clicked right from the very start.  Once I realized that I could trust her, I let her in where no other girl in my life has ever been.  She was the first person I ever knew besides Matt who forgave me when I failed her.  She loved me through all the screw-ups.

We spent a couple hours doing French homework tonight to get ready for our test Monday, and during that we were able to talk about the Brennan thing.  It was exactly what I thought - she doesn't trust him after everything that happened because she's protective.  She said I was being stupid because she thinks it's dangerous.  She was never angry with me, but once I explained my heart, she understood why I reacted to everything the way I did because she knows I can't give up on anyone.  I was able to tell her things I've felt about that situation, and she just got it.  She knows I will fight for anyone that I care about because I've fought for her.

Beyond all the serious stuff, though, we know how to have FUN.  We know how to make fun out of really simple things, like playing pool with a warped table and bad sticks.  We laughed until she literally fell over on the floor and cried "My abs! My abs!"  Our senses of humor are so similar that we can be complete dorks with each other and know that the other person will think we're hilarious.

She is the kind of friend that you keep for the rest of your life.  We've already promised to be bridesmaids at each other's weddings, and I just know that we are going to be walking through this life together, cheering each other on, picking each other up, and pushing each other forward when we're so tired we feel like quitting.

And I, for one, can't wait to see what's in store for the both of us.  I am so proud to be her best friend, and I am so grateful to have a girl who believes in me when I don't believe in myself.  

Even if she is a girl who smacks herself in the face with a pool stick. ;)

I feel like a zombie.

This week is exhausting.

Between fixing things with Brennan on Monday, getting rid of Landon for good and talking to Holly on Tuesday, and issues with Ryann (that I will hopefully be fixing tomorrow) and the debate yesterday, I pretty much hit a wall and slept through my alarm.  Then, when I realized what time it was, I quite literally could not muster the energy to get up and go to class.

The good news is that I only have one class on Thursdays, and there was nothing due today, and the teacher is so chill she gives us two more allotted absences than she's supposed to according to university policy, so it's really not a big deal.

When I finally managed to get out of bed, I did nothing until dinner at 6:00 aside from talking to Kyla for an hour and 15 minutes.  It's always so good to talk to that girl because we really like helping each other, and we seem to never run out of things to say.  I also had a lot to fill her in on, between Brennan and Holly and something that I'm keeping private until Sunday, so it was an interesting conversation.  I'm so grateful for the ways that God has worked some older, wiser, Christian women into my life to give me the kind of guidance that I can't get from Holly or Chelsea.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again - we weren't meant to do this life alone.  Even Ryann, I'm fairly sure that the issue we're having is because she's so protective over me and gets frustrated when she thinks I'm setting myself up for pain.  I'll explain more after I talk to her tomorrow.

So yes, suffice it to say that I am tired.  I really hope I wake up more energized tomorrow because it's going to be another long day.  Plus, I have a lot of work and will be losing a lot of work time due to the Wolfpack game on Saturday. (So worth it, though!!)

Please, no one else from my past show back up in my life tomorrow.

That moment when music makes you cry.

Okay, so I really have nothing to say about my day today, because the only major thing that happened was the Campbell Democrats Watch Party, and I try really, really hard not to get political on this blog because some of my dear friends are Republicans, and I just don't feel like dealing with a debate.

So instead, I'm posting recordings of two Glee covers.  (I know, bear with me here.)  They're covers of Taylor Swift's "Mine" and Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream".  Um yeah.  I never ever thought any version of those two songs would make me cry.  These did.  Then again, tomorrow's episode, which has these two songs in it, is titled "The Break-Up" so I guess it's fitting.  Anyway, I've been listening to them on repeat for the past day or two, and I still get goosebumps every time I listen to them.

This is why I love music.  This is why I love the modern age.  Because there are people and shows out there that take music you hear every day on the radio and put new spins on it.  I never could've imagined these two songs being sung like this.  I don't care if you hate Glee, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry; I don't know how you could listen to these and tell me they're not good.  The fact that Naya Rivera and Darren Criss have amazing voices is just icing on the cake; the style and arrangements are unexpected and genius.



I'm going to go buy stock in paper towels now (Kleenex irritate my nose) because if just the recordings are making me tear up, I imagine I'm going to be a blubbering mess when they're in context in the episode tomorrow.

It's okay.  You can call me weird.  I've accepted it.

Normal is boring, anyway. ;)

Sisters

I barely have the words to write right now.  Partially because I just stopped crying about five minutes ago, and partially because I am in awe of how God can make miracles out of the most unlikely occurrences.

Holly and I just had may what be the most healing and helpful conversation we've ever had.  The details of what happened and why this conversation happened are not for public consumption because I'm just not comfortable putting it on the internet, and I know my sister well enough to know she wouldn't want that.

The important part is that I was able to voice some issues and resentment that I've been holding onto for years.  And she didn't get mad.  She didn't yell at me, she didn't call me names.  She listened, and understood, and I finally learned the truth about how much she respects me.

I feel like tonight was the first step in us having a real, close, sister-like relationship.  I love my sisters dearly.  I always have; there's nothing they could say or do to change the fact that, at the end of the day, I would die to protect either one of them.  Chelsea's got a lot of work to do by herself before she can ever be ready for real, loving relationships, but the only thing that was holding Holly and me back was selfish pride (on both our parts) and the inability to voice what was really on our hearts.  I think that this was the first step in getting past that.

I love my sister.   Not many people would get up at 3 in the morning and drive to a hospital to sit with me, but she did.  Multiple times.  We're both growing up and figuring ourselves out.  When she told me how much she respects me, I realized how wrong we've both been about each other for so long.  I had absolutely no clue she saw me the way that she does.  She just has a hard time showing it, I guess, which is pretty much the exact opposite problem than mine.

It's time to let go of all the hurt we've caused each other in the past.  My sister is beautiful, and funny, and talented, and smart, and has an ability to make friends with anyone that I've always been jealous of.  But at the end of the day, we are sisters, and no fight is going to change that.  I've always said that I love nothing more than seeing the people that I love happy, and she is absolutely included in that.

So I have to keep praying for her.  I have to, no matter how much she may irritate me at the same time.  I have to keep praying for her salvation, for her to come back to the God that loves her more than anyone in this world ever could.  I truly believe she (and Chelsea, too, for that matter) is never going to find the happiness she's been searching for for years until she finds Jesus.  I want her to experience this overwhelming sense of peace and love that I've been feeling in a whole new way over the past six months.  I remember when Taylor first told me that God could have put me on this spiritual journey in a family full of non-Christians specifically so I could bring them back to him.  I remember how much that shocked me, how amazed I was that God could think I was up to that task.  I have to keep praying I can be Jesus to her.  If I love her, I don't have any other choice.

And I do love her.  If I didn't, I wouldn't have just spent 30 minutes crying over our relationship.  I love her so much, my heart hurts right now.  I wish I could take back every mistake I ever made with her, but since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is try harder to be the woman God needs me to be in her life.  It's no secret that I don't give up on anything or anyone without a fight.  My family is absolutely included in that.  I see that now.  I'm never giving up on the chance of having the relationship I always wanted with her.

This day has been a long, long time coming.  This is exactly what I meant when I said that God makes beauty out of ashes.

What a great Monday!

Don't hear that line much, do you?  I don't think I've had this happy of a Monday since the Monday I was flying to Nashville.

I should be writing an essay on the KKK right now, but that's super depressing, so first I'm going to blog about how amazing today was.

First, I got a 94 on my French Lit exam, which I am more than okay with considering I barely studied for it.

Then, Municipal Government was cancelled.

Then, I went to the post office to pick up my other pair of glasses and medicine that Mom mailed me, and I found an envelope holding these fantastic goods waiting for me, as well.

Bruno told me he was sending me a poster.  Bruno didn't tell me he was sending me two posters, or that one of them was from the CD release show that I was blessed to be at in April.  Plus two new stickers to adorn the top of my laptop with the other Vespers sticker and Music City Roots sticker I have on it, and three more temporary tattoos.  This would've made my day all by itself had everything not already been going well.

Then, I got a phone call from Brennan, and we both got some resolution to all the drama of the past few months.  I got to share with him just how well I am doing right now and all of the progress I've made.  It was so good just to talk to him again and feel like everything is back where it needs to be.  If you're reading this and you have the same reaction that my oh-so-lovely friend Vivielle had, please know that I'm doing what I feel is best.  I give a second chance to everyone; I owe the guy who baptized me at least that much.

Then, tonight, I spent close to an hour and twenty minutes on the phone with Caitie, The Vespers' manager, and that conversation was just so good for me.  It always leaves me feeling very humbled when I am able to share my story and how I got to where I am now with people and they tell me that it impacted them.  She's such a sweet girl.  We both felt like we knew each other going into this because the band had told her about me and they had told me about her, so it was just really easy to talk.  So Caitie, if you're reading this, thank you for that. :)  I always love making new friends, and everyone I meet through the band seems to be just as loving and wonderful as they are.  I'm so glad she and I are friends now.

What a wonderful day.  I am blessed, no question about it.  I am so grateful to God for all of the people He has put in my path in the craziest of ways.  These people make me a better person and bring me closer to God just by loving me.

Okay, I really should get this essay done so I can sleep.