When I cried because I thought I'd never make friends other than Matt,
When I believed the lies that it was my fault people were mean to me,
When I thought I'd never get over Matt,
When I thought I'd never be able to have feelings for someone else,
When I thought I'd feel like an outcast forever,
See a pattern here?
I realized something tonight while I was talking to my friend Laura Darling. God really has brought me exactly who I needed at exactly the right time.
He waited to bring me girlfriends like Ryann and Elizabeth until I gave up trying to force a relationship between me and my biological sisters. When I truly needed a support system like that, support without which I would've been overcome by loneliness. He made me that much more confident in the statement that real family isn't about DNA. It's about the people whom you trust, the people who love you no matter what, without judgment, without insults, without trivializing you or your feelings. It's about the people who you would do anything for, even if it's something as simple as texting them "I love you" in the middle of the night so they don't forget it.
He waited to bring me a guy like Nick (no, we aren't dating yet) until I accepted the truth about Matt's and my relationship. Just over two months later, and I've met a guy who makes me feel beautiful, and special, something I've never experienced from another human being before, something I always wished Matt would make me feel. When He knew I could finally realize that Matt wasn't the be all end all, and that I really can fall for someone else and the feelings actually be returned. He brought me this guy just when I was finally able to change the way that I look at Matt and start to move on. I wouldn't have been ready to meet Nick last semester, or the semester before that. But I was ready now.
The point I'm trying to get at here? He knows what He's doing. All those times when I felt so lonely I thought my world was suffocating me were to bring me to this point right here.
I don't think I've ever been this happy. I was telling Matt about this when we talked the day after Thanksgiving, and I said, "And I don't know why, but my health hasn't been this good since I was in middle school." He immediately said back, "I do. You're less stressed."
And now that I think about it, maybe he's right. Family's the same, but it doesn't bother me as much because I have my own family here. My relationship with Matt is stronger than ever because he's not all I feel like I have anymore, and because I'm finally secure and don't question his love for me. Plus, I'm finally moving on from my romantic feelings for him and JUST looking at him as my big brother/best friend, something I was afraid would never happen, and that makes things between us WAY less complicated. School's even harder than it used to be, but I have created a life for myself outside of the work, which gives me balance. And I'm no longer having to take Ibuprofen every single day. I don't believe in coincidences.
I know this sounds like a bit of a "year in recap" post, but that's really not my point. My point is this: We all have those times where we wonder what the heck God is doing. What He could possibly be thinking. Why He won't just give us what we're asking for when we ask for it, if He's just going to give it to us anyway. But I'm here as living proof to tell you that everything He has planned for you is timed perfectly. What you think you need right now may not always be what He knows you need.
When your entire world seems crazy, dark, lonely, frustrating, not what you wanted or expected it to be, remember this much: