Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Reveal

(This is the first of two blog posts tonight.  They're about such different subjects, I want them to have their own.)

I'm going to cut right to the chase because, well, after this long, there's not much point in dancing around it any more than I already have.

Here's the deal:  That vague event I talked about last night and on the 13th?  I talked to Landon.

I haven't talked about this because I've been so embarrassed.  It seems ridiculous to be this emotionally invested in a relationship with my sister's ex-boyfriend.  When I cut off all contact back in April, I thought that would be the end of it.  I thought I could just forget him and move on, but I couldn't.  In fact, I thought about him ten times more than I did before.  Everything made me think of him.  The most random things brought back memories of what happened and how bad it hurt to "lose" him (not that he was ever really mine to lose in the first place).  There were several times that I started to send him a message, but I always deleted them because I was scared.  Scared of what I would say, what he would say, what would come of it, and whether I would lose any relationship at all with him for good.

Late late Friday night, so really early Saturday the 10th, I was talking to a dear friend of mine.  We'd sort of lost touch throughout this year, and we were talking about all the stories we needed/wanted to fill each other in on.  He came up, and by starting over from the beginning, and reliving every sordid detail, I was forced to accept the fact that cutting him out of my life was not the answer I had hoped or thought it would be.  At her encouragement, I sent him a Facebook message as an attempt to find closure I was grasping at straws for.  Well, he wrote back "no hard feelings".  I asked him if he was well, and he said yes and updated me on his schooling, and I updated him on mine.  It was all very simple, and on a neutral, non-emotional topic, so I thought I was safe.  What he wrote back next threw me for a loop.

"Still cute as hell?"

I could hardly think straight enough to respond, but I managed, trying my hardest to appear as if I was laughing it off.  But then, he didn't respond.  Because I was already emotional due to this and family drama, after a few days, I freaked out and sent him a highly-emotional message.  Then, I found out he was in the middle of finals week (duh, I'm an idiot), so things got put off for a while. 

Well, fast forward, we finally talked yesterday.  And I got all of the answers I needed.  I know him well enough to know when he's lying to me, even in text, (he's a horrible liar), so I believe him.  I told him from the beginning that all I wanted was the truth - I didn't care if it meant he had to hurt me, if he didn't care about me, I begged him to let me go. 

For once, I wasn't making it all up in my head.  He does have feelings for me.  Even though he knew from the beginning how I felt/feel, he freaked out because he's human and got nervous making himself that vulnerable, and because he sees as well as I do how complicated this is and that it's almost certainly never going to work.  I get why he was scared.  I'm scared, too.  I don't want to feel the way I feel about him.  In fact, I'd love it if I could just forget about him entirely, but I can't.  He doesn't want me out of his life, and I don't want him out of mine.  So we're friends...whatever weird form of friends you can classify us as.  The good thing is we never see each other in person, and he's not crazy or stupid enough to come over here, so I think this is where it's going to stay.

I'm just relieved it's over.  This has been eating away at me for eight months now, and it's so nice to finally get it off my chest.

Now, I suppose all I can do is pray to God to protect my heart and pray I'm not making a huge mistake.  I don't think I am, but I never know.  I'll never know if this is worth it until I give it and him a try.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I've been wondering what was going on, but it wasn't quite as I guessed. Praying always for you. :)