So there's this song. It was released in March 1995, but seeing as I was two and a half then, I only heard it for the first time when Glee covered it.
If God had a name, what would it be,
and would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with Him in all His glory,
what would you ask if you had just one question?
If I had one question? Only one? You'd think this would be a difficult question to answer for someone as indecisive as me, but surprisingly it's not. I've had this song on repeat for a good portion of the evening, and my mind kept going back to this post by my friend Lauren. I knew my question.
How do I see me the way that You see me?
Well, that's where this song comes in. The chorus of the song says:
What if God was one of us,
Just a slob like one of us,
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home?
And in those words, I see it. I see that God is all around me. He's in the hearts of the people He so graciously put in my life. If I want to see me the way He sees me, I can start by looking at the way they see me. I can start by listening to the people who are as equally unafraid to point out my good qualities as they are to challenge me to take my flaws and be better, not because I'm not good enough for them; they just want me to be more like Christ because that's what I want.
I'm kind of horrible at taking compliments. I'm really bad at it when people start talking about my character. People tell me I'm strong, and I tell them I'm not. People tell me I inspire and teach them, and I tell them I don't understand why they say that. People tell me I'm giving, and I tell them I didn't really do anything big. Start to tell me what a wonderful person I am and I will stop just short of telling you you're crazy.
So often I find myself wondering if I'm living this life the way that God wants me to, if He takes pride in seeing the woman I'm becoming, if I'm giving the right impression to people. Yet I miss all of the times when He's trying to show me that I'm showing my heart just fine. I'm fairly certain these people don't say these sorts of things because they think I need the ego boost; they say them because they're true, because that's the person God made me to be.
I'll be the first person to tell you that I am a perfectionist, but I think until now I've kind of been ignoring the fact that I'm hardest on myself when thinking about the person I am, as opposed to grades or whatever. I spent so long surrounded by voices telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm worthless, that I'm a failure, that I started to believe them. The past couple months have been full of people pointing out all of my flaws, all of the ways I let them down and didn't live up to what they wanted me to be. So I think I got my head caught in the voices that are nothing but satan trying to turn me back into that scared little girl with no self-esteem.
It's not going to work this time. The difference between me then and me now is that I know the Truth. I am good enough, I am worthy, and I'm not a failure. I'm a work in progress. And when I get down and lose sight of His guidance for me, He just so happens to be clever enough to shove me right in the middle of a conversation that clears up my vision. I get my eyes back on His Truth: I am loved. I am beautiful. I am His.
Maybe I don't know what my question would be, after all...