Back in July, I wrote this post called "The Power of Words" that was, in short, about the fact that every time we open our mouths to talk, we have a choice to use those words to build those around us up or tear them down.
Today, I'm thinking again about the power that words have, just in a totally different sense. I'm realizing just how powerful the words I speak (or write, as for blogging) can be when I allow God to guide my thoughts. Because of the post I wrote last night, someone in my life told me "Every line was Him speaking through you. He's using you to help me and ____, no doubt." Reading that text message left me barely able to put together words to reply.
There have been posts that I've written with certain people in mind, and I know how much heart I put into those posts, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if it comes off correctly. If the person I had in mind will see God behind it the way I prayed they would. And not only that, I wonder if something as simple as me pouring my heart out on a webpage or an email will make a difference to them. I get scared they'll come off as just words, or a lecture, or something completely opposite of what my intention is. That's what I want more than anything to come out of this blog, and sometimes my heart is so invested in something it's hard for me to figure out how to say what is in my head without coming off like an idiot.
Last night, though, when I wrote that post, I had two very specific people in my mind. I had no idea what I was going to write when I started. All I knew is that I had so many thoughts about things Taylor and I had talked about that I wanted to get out. And then, as I started writing to get past the block, the craziest thing happened - for the first time in the 3.5 years I've been writing this blog, I literally felt God give me the words. I could feel it in my head, my heart, all the way down to my fingertips. I could feel the sense of being completely taken over, so overwhelmed by the lack of control, just like the night I got baptized.
By the time I was done, all I could do was pray that it would reach the people it needed to. Within 15 minutes of me hitting publish, one of those two people contacted me to say thank you. By the time I got up this morning, I saw the other person had written about the post, "Holy Spirit speaks volumes". So I knew I had reached both of them, and I was glad to help because I love both of them, but it really hit me when I got that text message later today that I can feel Him the way I wanted to for so long but never did until I got baptized.
Honestly, though, the most humbling part about it is when I realized that God can use something as simple as words on a computer screen to help bring comfort to hurting hearts. And He picked me to write them last night. An act that I see as my release and a blessing for me eased (at least somewhat) the pain two of my dear friends are feeling. When I finally gave into the fact that I can't fix the problems in my loved ones' lives, He showed me that I can't fix them by myself, but I can still play a part in His fixing it.
I don't think there's anything in this life that could ever make me feel this heartwarming sense of honor that I've felt all day today. To be a vessel for Him, to pay forward the gifts of love that I've been shown by so many people, is hands down one of the coolest gifts I can get in this world, especially because God knows that I never feel happier or more fulfilled than when I am helping people.
This realization has made me want to be so much more intentional about what I write when I have these "deeper" or more faith-related subjects on my heart. Don't worry, there's still going to be the average posts about random nothingness and funny stories about what a goofball I am, but when I feel like I need to write about something I'm learning in my journey with Christ, I'm going to make it a point to pray beforehand and ask God to direct my thoughts the way He did last night.
Because it really does make a difference. When I want so badly to help people I love who I know are hurting but can't for reasons of distance or the simple fact that I'm human and can't always fix things, my words still matter. God can take the only gift I have to give to the people I love and use it to ease their suffering and bring them closer to Him. I can be the gift to people that other people are to me on a daily basis with nothing but my words.
I don't know of a pretty way to end this post, so I'm just going to say this. That last sentence there and realizing all that comes with it blows my mind. I am so, so honored.