Welcome

You know what the best way for me to get over a bad mood is?

To think about all of the things I'm grateful for.  And there sure are a lot of 'em.

Like lunch with good friends.

A meeting about a group I am so excited to be a part of.

Being involved in campus life in general.

Bruno texting me asking me for my address because he still wants to send me their CD for free.

But as odd as this is going to sound, I think the brightest part of my day was when I was leaving my meeting with Tracie, the College Dems president, and my friend Gabe was walking towards us and called out from forty or fifty feet away "Hey Mallory, how are you doin', hon?" and came up and gave me a huge hug.

It honestly still blows me away, the level of acceptance I have found here.  Maybe it's my self-esteem issues, maybe it's my trust issues and rough past in dealing with other people my age, who knows.  All I know is that I feel surrounded by people who don't give a crap about what I look like.  I can finally be myself and be accepted for it.  The people who do judge me are few and far between, rare enough that I forget about them.  Instead, I get doors opened for me by complete strangers.  I get hugs from guys who never would have spoken to me in high school.  I get people asking for my help in class because they appreciate it, not because they want to use me.  The only other place in the world that I have ever felt this accepted and welcome is at Camp Don Lee, the camp where I got saved when I was 11.  It's so beautiful.

I remember several of you, along with others in my "real life" (and I hate saying that because the relationships I have formed through this blog are just as real and precious to me as any of my in-person friends, but you know what I mean), trying repeatedly over the past few years to tell me that people would start to love me more if and when I learned how to really love myself.  But I know back then I didn't want to hear it.  I was too caught up in my self-dug hole of misery and complaints to accept the fact that I had/have a hand in all of this.

Well, I'm starting to think you were right.  And I am so glad you were.  So if you were one of the people who tried to tell me that, over and over again fighting against my too-thick head, I have one thing to say.

Thanks for not giving up on me. :)

Add this to the list of things I missed.

HAVING STUFF TO DO.

Today was pretty boring.

The only time I left my room was to go to the bookstore and get my textbooks for the semester.  It was, like, the fastest trip to a college bookstore ever.  Even the lines were moving quickly.  It was awesome.  And the people who work there are so nice; they know me well because of my "special account" the administration has set up for me because Uncle Ed buys my books, plus helping me several times out when I was in the power chair last year, and the simple fact that this campus really is like a family.

But tomorrow, I already have three things on the agenda.

Lunch with Amy.

A meeting with Tracie, the president of our College Democrats.

And dinner/hanging out with Morgan.

And then I may possibly see Ryann, if she has the time.  I don't know, though, because she isn't even getting back to campus till late tonight, so I told her I wouldn't text her till tomorrow.

Classes start Wednesday, and I'm so looking forward to this.  As NOT stressed as I was at the beginning of last semester, I can't imagine how nice this is going to be considering what classes I'm taking.

Have I mentioned how much I love this place?!?! :D

Happy Monday, lovelies.

It's good to be back.

Oh, how I have missed the creek.

I have missed the silence.

I have missed knowing that my dear friends are within walking distance.

I love this place.

What I do not love is the physical labor involved in packing a car, unpacking a car, going to Walmart and buying more stuff, loading and unloading all of that, and then unpacking everything in my dorm room so that I can go to sleep.

I'm so tired I'm not even taking a shower tonight.  Good thing I don't have to be anywhere early tomorrow (classes don't start till Wednesday), so I'll just take one in the morning.

It's amazing how you can leave a place for a month and then return and slide right back into your groove as if you never left.

Special shoutout to my mother who worked just as hard as I did today, and had to deal with my crying in the middle of the Walmart parking lot because I spent too much money and had to take some from her.  Granted, she owes me a bunch of money anyway, and I am on my Provera hormones so I have a good excuse, but it was not pretty.

I got Ryann's picture printed and bought her frame, and I got the same picture printed and framed for me, plus the Christmas picture of Matt and me printed and framed.  With those and my Blake picture and Vespers picture, once I by some mounting tape at the end of this month, my walls are going to be just beautiful.  Ryann gets in tomorrow night, and I hope to get to see her on Tuesday, but at the very latest, I'll see her Thursday in French class.

Ah, yes, it is very good to be back in the creek.  It will also be very good to sleep in my totally awesome bed.

I am happy. :)

So Long, Farewell

It's finally here!

All of my clothes and all of my extra belongings, save for what I will need in the morning, are packed.

Mom dyed my hair back to the shade of brown you saw in this post.  Hopefully this lasts longer than it did last time.  It should, since I got my hair thinned and we left the dye in longer before I got in the shower, which means it should have saturated better.

We had a big feast of crab legs for dinner, and my mom made nachos a second time for lunch.

The only thing I have left to do tonight is make my shopping list for Walmart.  Mom is taking me to get stuff there on the way back to school.

I am so, so, so ready to go.  I miss school.  I miss my friends.  I miss not being ridiculously bored all of the time.  Life is so much better for me when I'm away and can remove from the drama that comes as a package deal with being in this house.

Today was all right.  Second to the crab legs, I think the highlight was when Mom sat through the Glee: The Concert movie with me just because she knew I wanted to see it and she wanted to spend time with me.  She's nice.

Yawn.  I am exhausted.  Which is kind of ridiculous considering how late I slept today and the fact that I didn't exactly do anything strenuous.  My body is funny.  I'll probably go to bed when this Dateline: Real Life Mysteries is over.  I tell ya, it's a good thing I'm not a super paranoid person because if I was, this show would make me terrified of getting married.  Ha!

Okay, I'll shut up now before I get into some weird rambling.

My grandma, she kinda rocks.

At the beginning of every semester, she takes me to the Commissary on Camp Lejeune and buys me a cart full of groceries.  I didn't know this until recently, but apparently military families don't have to pay taxes for their groceries on base.  So it's pretty awesome that she has lifetime privileges to get on base.  The beach is way nicer, and tax-free groceries are just gravy.  But yeah, she buys me a load of groceries every semester for no other reason than she loves me and is awesome.

Also, she has these CDs for each of her grandkids in her bank account, and I get $500 every semester, too, for various supplies and whatever else I need.  Because, again, she's awesome.  If I can ever manage to get a summer job, I'll try not to use all of mine up, but I know I definitely have a bit more than enough to get me to graduation.  Any extra I'll save for when I get my own place, or my wedding, or something.

So yeah, I went grocery shopping today.  It was nice because the weather was the perfect temperature so I didn't get all hot and sweaty, but my asthma also didn't flare up from it being too cold.

And then, when Mom got home, she made nachos for dinner, just because I told her I'd been craving them since we hadn't had them in forever and I bought the ingredients this afternoon.  And to be nice, since Chelsea refuses to do anything even though we all know she's capable, I cleaned the kitchen and picked up the disasters Chelsea left all over our dining room/livingroom/kitchen. I couldn't take the mess anymore.  It was for Mom and me.  Just because Chelsea's a slob, that doesn't mean we should have to live like it, too.

All in all, I'm in a good mood today, despite not so nice stuff.  I'm one day closer to Campbell, and it's the weekend which means Mom is home so I have a buffer against Chelsea.  Mom's dying my hair back dark tomorrow night because the dye from the first time is pretty much entirely washed out, and I told her I want to go back to school looking different (and so Ryann can see it in person). 

I found this on my friend Jess's blog, and I love it, so I'm putting it here for all to see.  Because it's kind of perfect.  Vivielle, this one's for you.  :)

G'night, folks.

Sorry, there's no deep post tonight.

And to think, I was kind of on a roll there for a second.

Look over there in my left sidebar!  See that new button?  Isn't it pretty?  I joined this "One Word" community on Facebook which is just a bunch of people who have joined this whole "pick your word for the year" movement and we post about it on the wall and read each other's and stuff.  Well, one of the women posted saying she was making buttons for anyone who wanted one for free.  So I totally jumped on that train and immediately went over to her blog to comment that I wanted one.  You know how long it took for her to email me back with the button already done?  SIX MINUTES.  My mind was sort of blown.  Add that to the list of reasons I love blogland.  99% of the people you meet randomly on here are just awesome!

Three days to Campbell, three days to Campbell!  I cannot wait to get out of this house.  Because, seriously, listening to Chelsea talk and talk and TALK gets really old.  Factor in that basically every other sentence is her saying I FEEL HORRIBLE OMG THIS SICKNESS IS SO BAD DID I MENTION I FEEL HORRIBLE?!?!?! and I pretty much want to cut out my own ears just to make it stop.  I've tried really, really, really hard to be nice but finally today I was just like WOMAN! YOU'RE NOT DYING AND WE GET IT THAT YOU'RE SICK SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!  She thinks she's so much sicker than Mom or I were/are (Mom's still sick), when the difference is just that we don't constantly complain about it.  And even when my mom and I ask her nicely to please stop talking constantly, she refuses to shut up, even though she knows she's being annoying.  But it's just how Chelsea's mind works.  This behavior isn't new.  I just really wish she'd learn that I don't need to know every single conversation she has with people at work especially when 75% of them consist almost entirely of OMG CHELSEA'S SICK WHY IS CHELSEA AT WORK CHELSEA NEEDS TO GO HOME OMG CHELSEA'S SICK.

Add that to the list of reasons why my mother is my hero. 

I promise I'm in a perfectly fine mood.  I'm just ranty.  And way too hyper for 11:35 pm.

Nothing else exciting happened today.  I did some laundry.  I watched TV.  But mostly I hid from Chelsea.  Well, actually tried to hide.  Because it's impossible to hide from Chelsea.

On to tomorrow.  At least tomorrow I get out of the house.

Oh PS? I may find out whether or not I got my DC internship as early as this weekend!!!!  Keep your fingers crossed!

Procrastination: It's not just for school.

So, um, I gave my speech at church tonight.  For someone as freakishly shy in front of crowds as I am, that was nervewracking.  But either I'm really good at faking it, or people are just really nice, because a bunch of people said they couldn't tell that I was nervous.  To sum it up, it was all about my journey through all the medical issues I've been dealt, and what I learned from it, and how I came out on the other side closer to God and stronger. 

I didn't bring notes.  Partially because I was afraid that if I brought notes I'd spend too much time looking at them instead of at the people, and partially because, hello, I'm a college student aka a master of procrastination.  There are pluses and minuses to my choice, but I think that if I do this again for CUW, I won't bring notes there, either, because I'll be even more concerned about looking at notes too much there.  The good news is that I didn't stumble too much, and my voice held out despite this nasty chest crud that will. not. go. AWAY.

It was fine.  I mean, there are a few things I wish I'd said (see: minuses to not bringing notes), but it was a nice test run, and overall, I know what I'll say and what I should cut out and add for the next time.  The dozen or so people that showed up prayed for me for basically all of the medical stuff that I talked about, so I was trying to not go TOO in detail.  I was nervous that too many details I would bore them.  But I knew almost everyone from past stuff, and they all seemed to be touched and appreciative.  So I'm pleased and, to be quite honest, relieved to have gotten it out of the way and to not have to fret over it anymore.

In the end, I think the important part isn't what I said - I think it's that I did it at all.  God is pleased that I obeyed Him and did what I felt in my heart He was asking me to do.  If He asks something, I need to do it, whether or not it makes me uncomfortable because if it can bring glory to Him, then I'm doing my job.  I'm a bit proud of myself for working past the nervousness, but mostly, I'm honored that God can use me in this way to minister to people.  If they ask me to speak at CUW, I'll do it again, too.

I might prepare a little more next time, though.  Just a tad.  Maybe.

She Will Be Loved

Tonight, I feel the need to read and reread this old post of mine.

I think it's fairly easy to figure out why I'm in this kind of mood, too, which is a plus, I guess.

Last night, I had a dream that Holly and her boyfriend got engaged.  And on top of that, I've been dealing with stupid, unwarranted jealousy issues because she and Matt now live in the same town.  (Stupid because, hello, she has a boyfriend.  Unwarranted because my relationship with Matt has always been a thousand times closer than theirs ever was, and their relationship doesn't change ours.)

I've always been jealous of Holly because, to put it simply, I think she's prettier than and has always had a much easier time getting people to like her.  And it took me until this summer to get Matt to admit there had been sexual tension between them for years.  Holly gets what she wants, and I know her well enough to know she'd have no problem going after the guy she very well knows I've been in love with since I was 16.

I'm getting off topic.  Anyway, I guess what that dream and those feelings have to do with the mood I'm in right now is the fact that I basically feel like my self-esteem would take a major blow if both of my sisters get engaged before I ever even get a boyfriend.  A lot of the time, they both, whether they mean to or not (well, I know Chelsea means to, I can't say for sure about Holly), make me feel like they're somehow better than me just because they've both found their "soulmates".  Like I'm somehow less important.  And Holly's and my relationship is so shallow that I can't even face her to tell her, because I know she wouldn't get it - she'd just blow me off and tell me I'm being silly.  That's what she's done in the past.

So frankly, I'm struggling tonight, and trying to focus on the fact that I know that just because I'm single now, that doesn't mean I'm "less than" them.  I'm not the only girl my age who has never had a boyfriend.  Heck, Callie from the Vespers is, in my opinion, even prettier than Holly, and she's never had one, either.  That sounds shallow, I know, but it's comforting in my head.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them."  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I love God.  That is what counts.  God knows that my heart's desire is to be a wife and a mother.  That will come true.  I believe that it will because I am loved by the King of the universe, and He delights in making me happy.

I pray that I will remember how much I am loved by God when my sisters attack me, or when society pressures me.  I pray that I will always believe that there is someone out there for me, who will love the parts of me that even I am frustrated by.  I pray that I will remember to stop comparing every guy I meet to Matt.  I pray that I remember there will be a man one day that is better than anything I could ever ask for.  I pray that I never forget that I won't regret saving myself for my husband, but I will almost certainly regret it if I don't.

Most of all, I pray that I never forget where to find my self-worth.  I cannot find my self-worth in Matt, or my family, or any of my friends, not even in myself, for that is when I will become too self-important.  I can ONLY find the worth of my existence in the God that created me with an exact image in mind.  He planned every tiny piece of my personality, my being, with a specific purpose, a purpose that is meant to glorify Him.  And He knows the day, the minute, the second, that I will meet the guy with whom I will spend the rest of my life.  He always knows.

But hey, if I have to listen to sappy songs about love to distract me, so be it. ;)

One Word

Considering the extreme effects choosing my One Word last year had on my life, I knew that I absolutely wanted to choose a word for this year.  I actually started thinking about it about a month ago because I wanted to be sure that I picked the right word.

From the beginning, one word was sticking out in my head.  Seems simple, right?  Heh, well, factor in my intense indecisiveness, and you have me second-guessing myself every single time I started to feel confident about my choice.  This has been happening practically every day since I started thinking of this word. 

But this "new me" is determined to place all of my trust in God, even when I'm nervous and anxious to do so.  And I'd be a fool to ignore this crystal clear message.  I need y'all to help keep me accountable on what I'm about to set out to do.

My word for 2012 is

WARRIOR.

I know, it's basically the polar opposite of my 2011 Word "peace."  But here's my explanation...

To me, a warrior is someone who is brave, even when they're facing dangerous tasks. 

A warrior is someone who risks it all for the people they love.

A warrior is at the top of their game in order to best serve those to whom they have devoted themselves.

This year, I want to become a warrior for Christ. 

I want to be brave enough to shout of His love from the moutaintops.  I want to face the enemy whenever he may appear in my life or the lives of my loved ones with the confidence that I have the strength of the Lord behind me.  I want to battle for the salvation of the people whom I know need God so badly, people who could begin to heal if they surrendered themselves to His love.  I want to shine the unending love and grace of my Father to every single person that I encounter so strongly that they know Whose I am, without question.

In conjunction with this, warriors are in top form in every sense: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  This year is the year that I stop messing around with this whole losing weight idea and actually do it.  I cannot do the work He may ask of me in this kind of shape.  My body is meant to be a sanctuary, and I have not been honoring him in this area.  My health is finally under control, and I must take advantage of that, because I don't know how long things will stay this way.  It's long past time I quit hiding behind excuses and find the confidence in myself that I can do this because He will give me the strength.

I want to know my God like I never have before.  I want to devote myself to Him completely, giving my whole heart to the One who has sustained my life through unimaginable odds. 

I'm armed, I'm all in on this, I'm ready to go.

The battle starts now. 

1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

New Year, New Me

January 1st.

One week until Christmas vacation is over, and oh my heavens, I can not WAIT for that.  I am beyond ready to be back at school where I am able to focus on the peace I know that I feel in my heart.

In the spirit of this new year, I decided to update my About Me on Facebook.  The last time I updated it was early November 2010, and it really doesn't reflect this new me.  I meant it when I said that I am a completely different person.  And since there's not much I have to say (not anything positive, anyway) about today, I thought I'd post what I wrote here for y'all to see it.  I think it sums me up pretty nicely.  Let me know what you think. :)

"You can call me Mal.

I'm a Christian, a daughter of the King, and I would not be where I am today without the unending love and grace of my Father.

I'm 19 years old, and a junior at Campbell University. I have a double major of Political Science - International Relations and French, and I love it. I am excited and anxious to see where this field takes me in the future.

I've been through more in my life thus far than most people deal with in an entire lifetime, but my story has only made me stronger, and I thank God for the opportunities to bless others it has brought to me.

I have amazing friends that I would do absolutely anything for. I give 100% of myself to every one of my relationships. I believe that two of the greatest gifts God has blessed me with are the wisdom to know how to support my friends when they need me and my intense compassion and love for the people in my life. I struggle with trust issues, but I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.

I love music. I love to listen to it, to play it, and to sing. I am the General of the Vesper Army for The Vespers. One of my most favorite hobbies is to work to support them. I am also a member of Scarlet Grey's Grey Family. If you don't know these two bands, look them up. I guarantee you will be blessed by them.

In the end, I'm just a girl in North Carolina trying to find my way. I have big dreams for my future, and I love to laugh with the people I adore. I take too many risks, and I give too many second chances. I crack jokes at inappropriate times, and if you get to know me, you'll see my sarcasm shine through. I love making new friends, and it's pretty much impossible for me to be mean to or hate anyone. I'm basically an open book, so ask me anything.

Ephesians 3:20
Romans 8:28"

Happy New Year, friends.