Summation of my day: Lots of sleep. When I was awake, I was dealing with Chelsea and Blake by myself because Mom hasn't come out of her room. I'm stuck in the living room because I currently don't have a bedroom, so there was no escape. I completed my take-home Model UN final, and then listened to music as much as possible until Chelsea and Blake finally went to bed.
I'll be honest. I don't want to be in Swansboro. I want to be back at Campbell where I don't feel so emotionally exhausted every second of every day, where I feel loved and wanted and accepted unconditionally. I survived today, which means I have 27 days before I go back. Aside from this Thursday morning to next Monday evening when I'm in Texas (ahh!!!), I will be in this house, with these people.
The idea is daunting. I already have 5 major writing assignments from this semester that I have to work on over break, plus grad school applications (4 of the 6 are due in the first two weeks of January), plus possibly having surgery. But I am here. And they don't get to dictate my feelings while I'm here. I don't want to spend every second completely miserable just because I don't like being here. I don't want to constantly be in tears or on the verge of them because we just got in another fight and I hate myself all over again for what I said. I want to show them that I'm not in control in my life, but neither are they. I want to show them that God is my King, that He rules my heart so much that I am consumed by His love and grace.
I'm ready to be different. I know I've said that before, but this time, there's actually a real resolve in my heart to make it happen. I'm tired of the way things have been for so long, not just for me, but for them, too. I want to be so at peace that it makes them go "What is going on with you?". The fact that I am a Christian and have faith in God scares them enough as it is; if my actions finally start to reflect that, I know it will absolutely blow their minds. I can't put the pressure on myself to be the one who makes them see Jesus, but as Austin told me on Friday as he tried to calm my nerves about coming here for break, I may be the seed planter. And that's still important. We all need something better.
Y'all, I can't do this alone. And yes, I mean that it's going to take the supernatural strength of the Lord to change me from the inside out. But what I also mean, what I need all of you for, is that I need the prayers of my sisters and brothers in Christ backing me up. One of the biggest lessons I've learned over the past few months is the true power of prayer, that I really can feel the prayers of the people who love me even when we aren't in the same place. So even though I feel selfish in saying this, I need you to pray for me over the next 4 weeks. Pray that every time I want to respond in anger and hate, I stop myself. Pray that I learn to love them more than I resent them. Pray that this is the beginning of change, if not in my family, in my heart. Pray that when I go back to Campbell on January 5th, they see me differently. Pray that no matter what happens, I am filled with the joy of the Lord, the joy that is founded on how good God is and not my worldly circumstances. And pray I am able to forgive myself when I screw this up, that I remember my forgiveness is already secured in God's eyes.
I can't do this alone. For once, I'm self-aware enough to admit that.