Saturday, February 9, 2013

King of Anything

Oh. Matt.  This is what I get for staying up until 2:30 am talking on the phone with you: no energy to do anything today, and the nagging pain that my best friend in the world is mad at me for doing what I feel is the right thing to do.  Sigh.

There's a situation with a certain guy that has been fluctuating between good, bad, and darn near heartbreaking for about nine months now.  Matt, being my best friend, has been privy to all the details of all of it.  One of the things I love most about Matt is that we've always had the kind of friendship where we supported and understood the other one's actions even if we thought they were being an idiot.  And trust me, neither of us is shy about telling the other one they're being an idiot.

Well, right around the start of the new year, Matt and I had a conversation about this guy, and I was feeling really good about being done with him and was dead set on the idea that I deserved better than the crap he was pulling so it was good that I was done with him..........Then, this guy and I had a conversation a few days later.  He said he realized his mistakes and that all he wanted was to be friends, and a lot of other stuff that I'm not going to get into here....and as much as my head was screaming "DON"T LISTEN TO HIM!", I did.  So we started talking again.  I did my best to be cautious, which is so not an easy thing for me to do, but as January passed, the more he seemed to be trying, and the more I began to think that maybe he really had changed.

I only told a select few people about this.  I almost felt ashamed, and I wanted to keep it quiet because I just wasn't ready to deal with the judgment, but I needed to vent to some people that I knew wouldn't judge me.  And I didn't tell Matt, which is a freak thing for me because I tell this kid everything.  But I knew the reaction he'd have, pretty much exactly the reaction he had last night (minus the sounding angry at me), and I just didn't feel like dealing with it.

Well, last night, I guess I was so tired that I forgot that Matt didn't know this guy and I were on speaking terms again.  After I told him all that went down at the hospital and what the doctor, he asked me if anyone had been there with me and I told him aside from when Ryann brought my phone charger by and sat and talked for a minute (literally it was only a minute), no I was alone, but I talked to people via text on my phone and calls to a few on the hospital phone.  This is where I forgot he didn't know I was talking to the guy and told him that this guy had told me he'd be late to class if I needed him and then when I told him no, he should go to class because I was okay at that point, he prayed over me.

THAT would be when Matt freaked out.  He couldn't believe that I didn't listen to him when he explained how he knew this was just a game for this guy and that he was playing me, he said that I was setting myself up to get played again by this guy, he asked why I didn't cut this guy out of my life when he told me to.  He said a lot of other stuff that I really don't feel like reliving, but it's all basically variations of this main stuff.

This is foreign territory to me.  Matt and I do not fight.  We just don't.  We never have.  Yes, we yell at each other and argue and get angry, but then we move on because there's always been this unspoken understanding that we need each other too much to let stupid stuff get in the way.  That is the Matt I'm used to, not this.

I'll be honest, this hurts.  It feels like Matt doesn't respect me or my intelligence or my ability to make my own decisions based on what I feel is right.  And he is a very close #2 behind my mom on the list of people I hate making mad (followed by Ryann, of course).  But there's so much Matt is never going to be able to understand about my friendship with this guy.  He doesn't even know HIM!  No matter what he tells me about "how guys think", I can't make myself believe that a guy who goes to the Lord on my behalf doesn't care about me to some extent.  Plus, for the first time, this guy is giving me real reason to believe that he's changed.  His actions are actually matching up to his words.

Selfishly, I just can't let this guy go.  It hurts so badly when I can't talk to him.  Trying to make Matt understand, I told him that when he's not a part of my life, the kind of pain I feel feels like what it felt like during those 5 months when Matt's then-girlfriend told him he wasn't allowed to talk to me.  So yes, despite everything that has happened, everything that we've said and done since we met, I want him in my life.  He's important to me, and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Furthermore, Matt is never going to be able to fully understand my friendship with this guy and the core of how it all started because Matt isn't a Christian.  And because of that, he's not going to understand the idea of showing this guy grace and loving him (and I mean that as friends and Christians) even when he seems unlovable, when the natural human reaction is that he doesn't "deserve" another chance.  Part of the reason I'm staying is because I'm not sure if this guy has anyone else who's gone to the lengths that I have to show him grace and forgiveness; if he doesn't, I want to be that person.  Because maybe it'll help him grow up into a strong(er) man of God who won't do this to someone else.

What all of this has made me realize, though, is that even though Matt is my absolute best friend in the world and I respect and love him more than I can ever explain, he's no longer the center of my world.  His opinions aren't the be all end all for me anymore.  This is my life, and for him to get mad because I'm not doing what he says is so hurtful and disrespectful.

The Lord is my guidepost now.  I have spent a lot of time praying about this over the past month because I've been so unsure if I was doing the right thing letting him back into my life, and the only conclusion I can come to is that Jesus wouldn't turn anyone away.  When he was nailed to the cross, his words were "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."  I want to show that kind of grace and forgiveness to everyone, including this guy.

I feel in my heart that I'm supposed to stay.  I need to give him one more chance.  Both for his sake and mine.  I hate that my best friend is angry about it, but God is my guide, not anyone else, and I believe I'm doing the right thing.

Romans 8:28 says God makes all things work together for the good of those who love him, so even if this turns out to be a mistake, He'll take care of me and get me back on the right path, just as long as I keep pursuing him.

So, this song is for Matt (not that he'll ever see this post, I don't even think he knows I have a blog, haha).  I love you, kid, but I've made up my mind, and if you love me like I think you do, you'll get over your anger and respect this.

Sara Bareilles - "King of Anything"

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