Monday, February 11, 2013

Real This Time

This post?  The unnamed "guy" would be Brennan.  Though any of you who have been reading this blog for the past 10 months probably figured that one out.  I have some astute readers.

I'm not sure why I tried to keep it vague in that post.  But right now I just can't, so I'm coming clean...well, sort of.  At least about that.

The past few days have been really, really hard for a myriad of reasons that I can't and don't want to get in on here.  Maybe I will, but right now the details of all of that aren't all that important.  What matters is that I've been feeling really down and with Taylor on the road and Matt and I not on the best of terms and Ryann not knowing about Brennan, I didn't know who else to talk to.  I needed to hear someone's voice, someone who was willing to listen.  So I texted Brennan.  Unsurprisingly, he was too busy to talk, but we texted each other several times trying to figure out when we could talk.

He called me tonight.  And he listened to everything that was going on and how I was feeling and not handling it all so well, including the stuff about Matt.  To be honest, I was expecting Brennan to get defensive.  But he didn't.  Instead, his first reaction was just to tell me that Matt's probably just upset because he cares about me and knows I've been hurt by this relationship.  I told him that was exactly what I was thinking, but that didn't make it hurt any less.  What really surprised me was that he later told me that if it came down to it, and I had to choose between him and Matt, I needed to choose who would make me happier, and he's hurt me a lot so he would understand if I chose Matt over him and we couldn't be friends anymore.  I then told him that that would never happen because a) I've never responded to ultimatums well, b) I refuse to have to choose between two people I really care about, and c) it's frankly none of Matt's business especially considering he doesn't even know Brennan.  I was able to express just how much I care about him and what he means to me, despite everything.  (It's a good thing I'm good with words.)

The rest of the stuff we talked about was, in the end, just a friend trying to give a friend advice and lift them up when they were struggling.  But it is important because it was the first phone conversation we'd had since we started talking again.  And it felt like I was talking to the Brennan that I've always believed he was at heart, the kind, genuine, supportive Brennan who means well but is just as broken and fallen as anyone else.  And he ended our conversation with prayer, like he pretty much always does.  That was when I finally broke down in tears.  I hadn't cried since before Thursday.  I had told Brennan before the prayer that I never doubted God's faithfulness, that I knew He was and is still here and that He could fix this, but right now it felt like He was just watching but not doing anything, and that was hard to deal with.  But when Brennan was praying, all of a sudden, I had a feeling of God wrapping His arms around me more strongly than I have in a long time.  It was really powerful and I think that was when I started crying.  I always seem to cry when I'm on the phone with him.

But anyway, the point of this post is that that conversation really strengthened my feeling that I'm doing the right thing by staying.  For the first time, I really felt like I could trust him.  And not just the things he said, but also the way he said them; I have no choice to believe that he really does care about me.  It's so hard to explain because I can't recap the conversation word for word.  But basically, I can't imagine a Christian, the guy who baptized me and has apologized a billion times for what he's put me through, saying what he said, praying what he prayed, without meaning it.  Like, the tone in his voice when he said he understood if I had to choose Matt over him, the tone in his voice said as much as his words did.

Looking back, the past few times we "made up", I knew it was a bad idea because his actions didn't match his words.  I made excuses for it because I just wanted him in my life.  I took the blame solely on my shoulders because I genuinely felt that awful about it all.  So when he disappeared, it honestly didn't surprise me.  It hurt, but it didn't surprise me.  This time, though is different.  I don't have to make excuses for him because what he does matches what he says.

I feel like this is the real Brennan.  I feel like when he says we're friends or refers to "our friendship", it's real. It's not me feeling like I'm begging him to talk to me.  It's two friends who screw up but are there for each other as often as they can be.  This friendship feels real this time.

And that's all I've ever wanted.

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