Monday, February 2, 2015

That time dirty socks taught me a lesson about Jesus.

So one of the ways that Holly helps me out while we live together is that we do our laundry together, so I can have her help physically moving and changing it all, since our laundromat is a couple blocks away.

Well, the thing about this arrangement is that I am at her mercy as to when she feels like doing laundry, as she has very little regard for whether or not I need stuff washed. And especially the past few days, the pain is so bad that I really couldn't just go do my laundry myself.

I got seriously upset and frustrated, way more than I should have, because she delayed doing laundry again, and I have no clean socks. I called Mom because I really just needed to vent, and she made me realize why I got so upset over the whole thing. (And that if I only have 12 days worth of socks, I should probably go buy more socks, anyway. Moms, what are they there for?)

I like structure. I thrive on structure. And that isn't a bad thing. As Mom said, that's how I managed to stay caught up in school through all the health stuff, how I graduated college with high honors, how I wrote 3 big grad school papers in 12 days. But most people are not as into structure and plans as me. (I responded no one is as structured as me.) Holly definitely is very go-with-the-flow and always has been. So if she decides on Monday that she really doesn't feel like doing laundry until Wednesday, it really doesn't make that much of a difference to her. And truly, it shouldn't have made that much of a difference to me. Wearing dirty socks for a day won't kill me. Also, I really should go buy more socks.

But the thing that stood out to me was that, almost instantly, my mom said, "You're frustrated because you're not in control of the situation." At first, I thought she was lecturing me about being a control freak again, to which I said she was completely missing the point because I wasn't trying to be a control freak. She replied, "No, I'm not saying you're being a control freak. I'm saying that you're dependent on her in this situation because you need her help, and everyone hates when they have to depend heavily on someone else because then they can't control the situation."

After I got off the phone with her, all I could think about was all the times I've gotten scared or frustrated or upset because I had to depend completely on God and I couldn't see what was coming, all the times I knew that I wasn't in control. It can often really suck. It's scary, and not a good feeling, especially for someone like me who thrives when I know what is going to happen and when it's going to happen.

This is why I picked FEARLESS as my One Word for this year. Because I want to take my sanity back. I only have a tiny piece of this scroll that is rolled out for eternity. I'm going to not know the details or the plan a heck of a lot more than I'm going to know them. God is the one good consistently good thing in my life; trusting God really should not scare me. There's a reason the Bible says "Do not be afraid" several hundred times. In fact, I was reading John 6 last night and the disciples are in a boat on the ocean when Jesus comes up to them in the dark and they're scared and all he says is "It is I, do not be afraid." I know that God is in control. I should find peace in that, not fear. I pray that this year is the year I become able to live that out.

And so yeah. That's the story of how dirty socks taught me a lesson about Jesus.

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