Thursday, February 12, 2015

I'll just be me.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel things so intensely.

That I didn't love SO deeply.

Because then people turning on me wouldn't hurt so much.

And I wouldn't feel so utterly crushed every time I get stepped on.

And I wouldn't let myself get so totally invested only for things to fall apart.

My friends tell me that I'm too nice.

That I need to be a little meaner.

And they're right.

For the vast majority of the population, it's very hard for me to be mean to or at mad them.

I just don't know how.

I like people too much.

I like relationships too much.

And really, for the most part, I think I do a pretty good job at loving people.

I'm loyal and protective and I would go to the ends of the earth for people.

Honestly, when did those become turn-offs to people?

When did putting your whole heart into relationships make you "too intense"?

I just want to love and be loved, like St. Augustine said.

So yes, sometimes I wish my heart were different, only so I didn't get hurt so much.

But in my gut, I know that this life would be absolutely meaningless without love.

And I have people now who never abuse my love for them, who see me and know me and love every bit of me, even the "too intense" parts.

I don't know where I'd be without that love. I'd be pretty miserable, that's for sure.

So I'll keep on going being me. Because really, in the end, I don't want to know what life would be like if I loved any less.

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