I went to the doctor today to try to get to the bottom of this truly terrible pain I've been in for the past week+. I kept waiting for it to get better and go away, but instead it just got worse, so I broke down and went to the doctor because I need help.
In true story-of-my-life fashion (at least that's how it feels), it's either nothing or something really, really bad. She said it could simply be a bad reaction to coming off the Prednisone that I was on for a month, but the words "fibromyalgia" and "rhabdomyolysis" were also tossed around a good bit as possibilities. You can click on those links and do a little bit of reading if you don't know what they are, and you will quickly see why we really, really do not want either of those to be the answers. She took a bunch of bloodwork to try and rule them out and told me to come back on Monday.
So now I get to wait. I get to wait until Monday and try not to get caught up in my own head with fear. I was so hopeful that this semester would go more smoothly than last, since I actually got to come back to school and my shoulder got fixed and was doing so well until this pain started. And now I'm scared that I'm going to have to deal with something else big and painful that's going to stand in the way of me surviving up here. I'm supposed to start my new job at Walgreens next week. How am I going to do that if I can barely handle standing up right now? It feels like my body really is falling apart, and I"m only 22.
But then I opened my Bible tonight to continue my nightly reading (though I missed the past few days from the sleep deprivation), and what's the first thing I see? John 9:1-3:
As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."
Whatever this is, and everything else that I've dealt with in the past, it's not God punishing me. It's not because I'm a sinner, God loves me so I know that He doesn't want me to hurt, but He can absolutely use this for His glory and my good. I just have to hold tight to the promise that He is exactly who He has always claimed to be.
I read two extra chapters tonight to make up for missing the past two days, and when I got to Chapter 11, I found verses 21 and 22 in the story of Lazarus:
Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."
Martha was upset because she lost her brother, but she still chose to trust Jesus and his power. And if Jesus had come earlier to save Lazarus from dying, the people would not have been able to witness the miracle of him bringing a dead man back to life with nothing but three words. Bad things happening to me, that's not an excuse for me to turn my back on God. It's a reason for me to come closer to Him than ever before.
Two years, ten months, and one day ago (was it really that long ago? wow), I made a promise to give my life to the Lord. A God as faithful as He is deserves a faithful follower. God is the only reason I'm still alive right now; my only option is to trust that He's not done with me yet.
I told God that I wanted whatever He has for me, good or bad, all of it. Now is the time to live up to my word. Whatever Monday brings, my God is the same as He was yesterday, last month, and the day I got baptized.
If my heart is overwhelmed,
and I cannot hear Your voice.
I hold on to what is true
though I cannot see.
If the storms of life, they come,
and the road ahead gets steep,
I will lift these hands in faith.
I will believe.
I remind myself of all that You've done
and the life I have because of Your son.
Love came down and rescued me.
Love came down and set me free.
I am Yours, I am forever Yours.
Mountain high or valley low,
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours, I am forever Yours.