Monday, February 9, 2015


I only slept from about 2:45-7:00 this morning. The pain in my hips and legs make it impossible for me to get comfortable in any position, even in my precious recliner, so sleep has been limited since this started.

At 8:32 I got an email from my friends at The Anima Series titled "I will bless the Lord." This is an excerpt:

Making the choice to love, bless, and praise Him always, even when we don't feel like it is the sign of a mature faith. So bless the Lord today. Bless the Lord always. He never changes, and that means He is always worthy of praise.

I didn't realize until tonight just how well-timed that message was.

Long story short, while my doctor was able to eliminate some of the scariest things as possibilities for my pain that has continued to get worse, she couldn't tell me the cause. Of all the things she tested in the bloodwork she took on Friday, every single one of them came back perfectly normal. My muscles aren't breaking down, I'm not even close to having diabetes, my kidney and liver functions are great, I don't have the slightest sign of an infection anywhere in my blood...I didn't know I could produce medical results that good, basically.

But this soundly stumped my doctor, whom I greatly respect and trust. She even went to go consult her director because after she read the results aloud, she looked at me and said, "I...don't know what's going on." The end result was she took some more bloodwork to test hormonal imbalances and check my thyroid levels (which I needed to have rechecked anyway) and all that stuff, and if that all comes back clear, she's going to refer me to a neurologist that specializes in nerve issues, because after talking with her boss, the only other thing that they could come up with is nerve misfirings.

I didn't make it out of the exam room before I started crying. I just really wanted an answer because this keeps getting worse and I'm miserable. AND I got a phone call this morning and I have to go in for my first day of training at Walgreens tomorrow so I was absolutely terrified about making it through that in this much pain. So I got panicked.

When I got back from the doctor, I called the three people I turn to first, also because I knew they'd want to know: Austin, Mom, and Clayton. Luckily for me I called Austin first and caught him in the like 3 free minutes he had before work. And he was my encourager and supporter, as always. He's so good at reassuring me, just being there, and he will just listen to me vent if I need to cry. Mom is my reality check; she reminded me that I've dealt with a lot worse and therefore will manage to suck it up until we get this figured out, and that from what I told her of the doctor appointment it sounds like it's either steroid withdrawal (which the doctor said is pretty unlikely at this point because it keeps getting worse) or fibromyalgia and both of those are manageable. Clayton is my prayer buddy. He's the one who will pray over me when I don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. No matter what, we end every conversation in prayer and every time we finish, I feel my body, mind, and heart settle down.

It was when I was talking to Clayton that I actually remembered that email from this morning. In that moment, I became so grateful for how my perspective changed in just 3 conversations. I cried in the exam room that I knew He was there and I just wanted to have some peace, and He gave it to me in spades. What else could I ask for?

I don't know what is going on in my body right now (but really, what else is new?), but that doesn't change who God is. He's good if I'm out living my life, He's good if I can't get out of bed. I praise Him because He is good when things are working out, I need to praise Him because He is still good even when things feel like they're falling apart. God is always good and always faithful, so He always deserve praise. It's that simple. I hope I learn to remember that always, in good times and in bad.

Faithful You have been, and faithful You will be
You pledge Yourself to me, and it's why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
-- "Ever Be", Bethel Music

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