Thursday, October 24, 2013

Tell the Story

Another seizure today.  When I got discharged from the ER this afternoon, I texted...the usual people, my "prayer team".  (And yes, writing that out, it does hit me how blessed I am that I can even say that I have one of those, a "prayer team".)  I told them what happened, how frustrated I was (am) by the fact that no one seems concerned or wanting to do anything, how hurting I am.  Basically just a general update of what is going on and how they could pray.  My friend Pastor Chris (or is it, my pastor friend Chris?), his first response when I told them there had been another seizure was, "Keep writing. Tell the story."  My initial reaction when I read that text was, honestly,

"How do I tell a story when I have no idea what is going on?"

As the day went on, and got worse and more frustrating, the question turned into, "Which story do I tell?"

Do I tell the story of how I begged the ER doctors and my neurologist to admit me to do immediate testing, and the only response was, "We can either give you a psychiatric consult, or you can go home", of how the ER doctors couldn't help because my regular neurologist won't help me before my appointment Wednesday?

Do I tell the story of how I spent the vast majority of the afternoon in tears, first in the dark and cold ER room, then in Jayshawn's car on the way home, then in my room by myself, crying more tears than I knew was possible to cry in a day, until I finally collapsed on my bed in exhaustion and slept for 3 hours?

Do I tell the story of getting so caught up in my own thoughts that I started to wonder if I really was going crazy?

Do I tell the story of deciding I need to take the ER doctor's suggestion of just not doing anything until my appointment on Wednesday and what it felt like to email my professors asking for several more days excused from class so that I could rest and maybe prevent another seizure before then?

Do I tell the story of frantically going through my phone looking for someone, anyone, near campus who could come by and see me, just so I could maybe get the feeling of loneliness that I seemed to be drowning in to loosen its grip?

But tonight, I realized that the answer is no to all of those questions.  The story I need to tell is the one of hope beyond all explanation.

The story of God putting tangible manifestations of His love for me right in front of my face.  Of friends who hold me as I sob into their jacket, who sit on my recliner long past the time they should be leaving because they genuinely want to be there for me, who get someone to cover their work shift for an hour so they can come be with me and talk to me, listen to me, let me cry, hug, and hold my hand and pray with me, just because they knew I needed it.  Of someone I've never met orchestrating a conversation between me and someone else I've never met so that I can spend an hour telling them about how I know God is good and I know that He loves me even when I'm a complete disaster and I feel like everything in my life is falling apart and I don't feel Him here, all because they're going through pain that I can't even imagine and I was asked to minister to them.  Of how I hung up the phone and realized that that is exactly how I know that God is alive and working, even in this mess, because only talking to people about how good God is could bring me the kind of joy I felt just then, especially after such a rough day.

I think I've been through every negative emotion in the book today.  Anger, fear, frustration, inconsolable sadness, hopelessness, you name it, I've probably felt it.  What I didn't expect was for the clock to strike midnight and me to have a smile on my face because I simply can't ignore how good God is.  I can't pretend He didn't show up and shower me with His love through people I know He put in my life for a very specific purpose, people who carry me through hours when I want to give up, throw in the towel, and not move another step toward Christ.  I don't think it's a coincidence that this is the song that came to mind in the ER today. "Psalm 46" by Jenny & Tyler - I've had it on repeat pretty much every waking moment since.

The LORD is my refuge and strength
Therefore I will not be afraid
Though the mountains give way
And fall into the sea
He will come and rescue me

The LORD comes to me at break of day
He reaches down to guide me in His ways
Though the oceans roar
In this dark and stormy sea
He will come and rescue me

Hallelujah, He is with me
Hallelujah, we cannot be moved
Hallelujah, He is with me
Hallelujah, I rest secure

Be still and know that He is God
He will be exalted over all
Come and behold His strength and majesty
Yet He will come and rescue me

Hallelujah, He is with me
Hallelujah, we cannot be moved
Hallelujah, He is with me
Hallelujah, I rest secure

Hallelujah, I rest secure

So yeah, I don't know what is going on right now.  I don't know why my life looks the way it does, why doctors are acting the way did they did today, or how this chapter is going to close.  But I'm as sure that I am that the sun sets in the west that God is good, God is moving even when I can't see it or feel it, I am not alone, and I am loved far more than I could ever imagine.

This is my story.  To be continued...

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  1. A miracle is coming for you Mallory! Praying to the Lord to heal your body. He will give you the strength to come here. Love you :)