Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A lot of I don't knows

I don't know how I did on that midterm.  Probably because by about 1 am I hit the point of "If I don't know it by now, I'm never going to" and went to bed.  Which is, strangely enough, what Dr. Steegar would say to us French kids every test day.  Mantras stick with you.

I don't know how I got so blessed by so many people who have shown up in my life and driven to the depths of my life, where things are ugly and dirty and I cry (sometimes a lot), and choose to stay there anyway.

I don't know why I feel so uninvested about tomorrow's doctor appointment.

I don't know how the Reformation kids became my family in a span of 4 weeks.

I don't know why I miss someone I saw two days ago.

I don't know why I was sad that Reformation was canceled today.

I don't know what changed in me, why I'm suddenly learning how to take care of myself and put my needs first for the first time in my life.

I don't know when Campbell became home to me and that house in Swansboro stopped being it.

I don't know why my mother and I are at a crossroads.  I don't know why something has to change in our relationship right now.  Actually I do: God.  But what I really don't know is how to cope with the overwhelming feelings I get sometimes that my mom doesn't love me.

Today was physically exhausting, but tonight my mother and I had a major fight, and long story short, I really have no idea what kind of environment I'm going to be walking into tomorrow evening.  This fight, though, it helped me realize what it felt like to be in Brennan's shoes, and Taylor's shoes, what I did to them last year, how I put them on pedestals and gave them expectations that they would never be able to meet, feeling like I needed them to fix everything when the only thing that  has even begun to piece my life back together is Jesus.  I know what it feels like because the place I put them in is exactly the place my mom has put me in.  And for once, I told her as such.  Straight out.  That I am broken and I can't be what she needs because what she really needs is Jesus.  That I can't fix her life, and I can't live up to the expectations that she has for me as a daughter because I am just as screwed up and clueless in a different way.

A friend who let me vent to them earlier tonight explained it that this is a fight.  My mom is fighting God using me to reach into her life.  She is fighting Him reaching out His hand to pull her out of this pit she's been in for so long because she thinks she has to be in control.  And I get it because that's exactly where I was.  I want more than anything for her to climb out and see what she's been missing.  Maybe then I'll feel like I have my mom back.  Because right now, I let her into my personal life a little bit not too long ago for the first time in years, and tonight she twisted it into something it wasn't and threw it back in my face, just like I'm so used to from my sisters, which makes me not want to tell her anything remotely deep ever again.  I feel like the only time I can "have" her is when it's something medical.  And that doesn't feel like much of a mother.  I want my mom back.

Until then, all I know is that personally, I am in the best place I have ever been in in my life.  And that this school is where I feel safe, mentally and emotionally.  Here is where I can wholly be myself with no expectations from anyone.  I know that I can't be the person she needs me to be, but I also know that I love her more than I ever could put into words.

Pray for me this weekend.  For peace and acceptance and an open heart in the middle of the hostility.  My heart hurts, and I am tired.  Luckily for me...

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

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