Saturday, October 26, 2013

Deep Waters, Deeper Love

Oh, mercy.

I know I've said this a million times, and I'll probably say it a billion more over the life of this blog, but I am reminded so vividly that God is here in my life and of how much He loves me because of the way that the people He has surrounded me with love me.

Alex came by on the way to the Homecoming game with his girlfriend.  I haven't seen this kid since April, and the fact that he made time in this day just to see me for a minute because he knew it'd make me smile meant so much.  And then, when they were leaving, they brought me exactly what I requested from the concession stand so that I could eat something besides what is in my room. :)

I got a phone call from Jenny (as in Jenny & Tyler).  Honestly, it sort of feels like she's a little too "important" to bother her with the stuff I'm dealing with, but that's just crazy, because I've known from the very beginning that she and Tyler are just genuinely good and kind people, and she wouldn't have given me her phone number in the first place if she didn't want to stay updated about what's happening with me.  And she has her own medical issue that she deals with, so she "gets it" on a level that my other friends, as wonderful and incredible as they are, really can't.  And she took the time to call me while her mom is in town visiting!  I'm so honored to be able to call her and Tyler friends.

Towards the end of the game, Justin and Jenn came over, and we spent about 45 minutes just sitting around talking.  Some of it was about nothing, but a lot of it was them just being here and listening to how I'm feeling.  They validated a lot of the emotions I've been feeling, reminding me that everything is natural is something they would expect someone in my shoes to feel.  What they said reminded of something else someone told me once, I don't remember who - God created everything, which means He created emotions, too, so I shouldn't beat myself up thinking I'm "feeling the wrong thing".  And right before they left, we stood in a circle and Justin prayed over me, and standing there hearing what he was saying and letting it hit me straight in the heart and feeling each of them intermittently squeeze my hands, I honestly don't know how I didn't just lose it.  They are beautiful people, plain and simple.

I've also gotten messages throughout the day from various people.  Summer, Paige, Jayshawn, my "Aunt" Julie (not really my aunt, my mom's childhood best friend), heck even Justin's mom! :), people either checking in on me or just being a welcome distraction from my own head.

None of my friends truly know what I'm going through or what this feels like, but I see how much they want to be here for me, how they seem to never tire of me venting to them, how they will do just about anything to make me smile during this rough time, and I can't help but focus on my gratitude, even if that doesn't last forever.  Because when I look at them, or when I think of the deep love that I know that they have for me, it is impossible for me not to think about the simple fact that their love is nothing, it is just a drop in the ocean, a glimpse, a speck of dust, in comparison to how deep the Lord's love for me truly is.

I mentioned this to Justin and Jenn tonight - I know in my heart and soul that I want His will to be done, I want Him to be the one in control and not me, but sometimes it absolutely terrifies me to think about the fact that His will very well may include a lot of suffering on my part.  But when I think about how deep and vast and utterly incomprehensible His love for me is, I can't help but take a running leap towards Him.  Even when I'm terrified.  Even though that means I'm not in control.  Even though I can't see where I'm going and have no idea what's happening.  I want to be where He is.  I want what He wants.  I want Him.

And if I have to be emotionally flipped upside down in order to really understand what it's like to rely on God for everything, if I have to be thrown out into the deep end and fight that feeling of drowning, then I'm okay with that.  Because I know that He will rescue me and carry me infinitely farther than I could ever reach on my own.

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