Monday, July 1, 2013


Most of the day was fine.  The weird part was that I slept 2:30-4:30 and 7:30-10:30 which doesn't make for very restful sleep but I managed to stay awake the rest of the day so sleeping shouldn't be a problem tonight.

I've had a lot of sleepless nights, they come along with this head pain because sometimes the pain's at that weird point where I can't sleep but I can't do anything else.  But instead of laying there doing nothing, I tried something different.  I prayed.  I prayed for everyone and everything that came to mind.  And you know what?  It was one of the sweetest times with the Lord that I've had in a long time.  No distractions.  That doesn't happen too often nowadays.  And trust me, I had a lot to talk to God about.  Enough that it's probably not too big of a surprise that I couldn't sleep.  But running to Him with it all was just so freeing.  I felt like, for the first time, I truly understood what it felt like to lay something at the feet of the Lord and truly give it over to Him.  I don't remember the last time I felt so close to God.

This afternoon, everything went downhill.  It was typical Chelsea stuff, except this time she came at me full throttle instead of spreading the torture around.  Once again, I lost it, and once again, I said things I shouldn't have, but instead of sticking around for it to continue and almost certainly get worse, I ran.  I don't know why, or why this time was different.  But instead I just picked up the phone, called my grandma, and left.

My sister thinks running away makes you weak.  I think running was just about the strongest thing I could have done at that point.  Because when I'm so blinded with rage I can barely form a coherent sentence to talk to my grandma, things aren't right.  And those few hours of silence, where I felt like I could breathe right again, and I could talk to a friend who gets what it's like to want to love someone so badly but be pretty much convinced all you can do is hate them, where I could sit in silence and watch mindless game shows with my grandma and just talk to God in my head, it just felt right.  I felt peace, something that doesn't come easy when nights get as bad as tonight was.

Running to God certainly doesn't make all your problems go away, but I can't think of anything that could make me feel better than knowing my Father is sitting right with me and catching every tear.  So I'm gonna keep running to Him with everything, because He longs for a relationship with me even more than I do with Him.

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

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