Friday, July 19, 2013

Panic mode in 3. 2. 1...

Oh my heavens I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.  I totally did not see the mess that I was today coming, and I totally should have.

Waiting until 24 days before a massive test that will determine what grad schools I get into to start studying when I've had the prep book since May pretty much guarantees that I was going to flip out once I actually did open the book.

Well, it just so happened that that initial freakout coincided with me taking a timed diagnostic test and my mother needing me to watch Blake so she could take a muscle relaxer.  That, in turn, led to a massive fight between my mom and I, all over the fact that basically we both felt like the other didn't care about what is important to us, magnified by the fact that I had to call the people who made my prep book to delete my one incomplete attempt at the test because I didn't realize until after I quit it to go get Blake (who then wanted nothing to do with me) that I wouldn't be able to get back in.

And then by the time that we all calmed down, I proceeded to just lay on my mom's bed and cry because of the oh-so-typical-of-me, overwhelming fear that I'm not good enough for this.  That always happens.  I never ever have as much faith in myself as everyone else does in me.  And my mom actually apologized for putting added pressure on me without getting defensive about it, which is a first.

By the time they left to go get Chelsea and go to an appointment for Blake, my head, which had actually started out the day in pretty fair shape, was a disaster so I had to sleep, knowing full well that I wouldn't retain any information at that point.

I woke up and studied for about an hour before they got home with groceries, and then I ate dinner and took a short break and just talked to Mom for a bit.  Then, I spent from 7:30 to midnight studying the Verbal section of the book.

I have to say, if it weren't for my great friend M, who took the GRE last year and had all sorts of advice for me and was so willing to repeatedly talk me out of that panic, I don't think I'd be as calm as I am right now.  Yes, I have a lot to study, but I have a good base vocabulary.  Math has always been pretty easy for me, and it's not like we're doing calculus or something ridiculous.  I can do this, if I just apply myself.  And as M reminded me, it's just a test and one of several factors grad schools will be looking at.

I keep reminding myself that I get this panicky feeling at the beginning of every single semester when I see the workload in front of me.  This is the same thing.  It seems daunting now, especially looking at how much time I wasted, but I will be fine.  It always works out fine.  I have to believe that, or this whole thing is going to turn into a giant self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just hope I don't spend the next 24 days in panic mode.  My body can't take that.  Neither can my sanity.  God, give me the peace to get through this and the wisdom to do my best....

And now I'm going to bed because despite my 3-hour nap this afternoon, it is 1:30 am, and I am absolutely exhausted.

Maybe that's why I'm calm...I don't have enough energy to freak out anymore.  Haha!

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