Wednesday, June 19, 2013

What's Next

Remember how yesterday I said that I told Brennan I wasn't excited about today's appointment, and listed the reasons why?  Now, I'm thinking that that was God already preparing me for what today would hold.  I'm way too exhausted physically and mentally to try and write this in some poetic or beautiful way, so let me just get right to the point:

This new doctor I saw today, lauded as the best headache specialist in North Carolina and one of the best in the country, didn't have any more options than the other doctors I've seen had.  I need Botox treatments.  That is literally the only treatment option I have left, and that's if my insurance will pay for it.  And it's not even as strong as the DHE treatment I did in February and in April, which didn't give him much hope that the Botox would work.  The DHE IV treatment is the strongest treatment that exists for chronic headache pain, and the stronger of the two doses didn't work at all for me.

All of that to say, medically wise, there are no more nexts.  There is nothing else I can do.

That was a really hard thing for me to wrap my head around.  I got so used to doctors telling me, "Okay, we have this, and if this doesn't work, we can do this, and if that doesn't work, we'll try this..." and on and on and on.  There was always a next step, something else to try, another option.  Now, there's not.  And I have to accept that.

So I've done the only thing I know: talk it out with God, and with a couple dear friends.  I told them just what I've been telling myself for weeks months now:  if God doesn't heal me, I know He's going to do something so good with it I can't even imagine it right now.  And as I told these friends that tonight, I knew that I believed that in my core.  God is too good; He's not going to give up on me now, and I'm not going to give up on Him, either.  When God heals me, I'm going to have a testimony that tells people this was His doing and His alone.  I'm so excited for that!!

I'm beyond thankful that my faith hasn't wavered as this story has unfolded.  I posted that song yesterday for a very specific purpose - because it's what I want to say to all the people who wonder how I do what I do, who have thanked me for pointing them to Our Father as the ultimate healer.

I can count a million times,
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days,
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on You, oh Lord,
My only shelter from the storm,
But instead, I draw closer through these times.

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days 
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus, bring the rain.

Today was God telling me no...for at least right now.  And I know with every piece of my heart that as He makes it so clear that this is the path He's laid out for me to walk right now, I'm going to go.  I'm going to go wherever He leads me in this because my soul's purpose is to obey Him and follow Him with reckless abandon.

Please don't think I have this all figured out.  Trust me, I don't.  In fact, the reason I called one of those friends tonight was because I knew I needed to process out loud, the way I always do.  All I know is this:  My God is still good.  I don't know what's coming next, I don't know what's going to happen to me from here.  What I do know is summed up best in another song that's been on repeat the past few days.

Sometimes life doesn't make any sense, full of war and pain and accidents.  [S]he's praying, I don't know, I don't know what You're doing, but I know who You are.

So what's next for me is healing of a different kind: the mental, emotional, and spiritual healing that comes when you accept the fact that you can't change the situation you're in, and I mean, truly, completely, wholeheartedly accept it, not the pseudo-acceptance that's left me feeling like I've been holding my breath for the past year.  It's time to move on to the next piece of my story.

And I'll be honest, part of me wonders if I can do it.  If I can actually let this go and give it wholly over to God, but in the words of a very wise friend of mine when I told him everyone else always seems to have more faith in my capabilities than I ever do, "Maybe you need to take that as a sign."  To stop doubting what I can do, to start seeing myself as the daughter of the King who can do anything with Him at her back.

I don't know what He's doing, but I know who He is.  And I think, for the first time, I really believe that that's 100% enough.

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