Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Joy and Scars

So I didn't get my permit today.  I passed the tests, but medical paperwork has to be filled out, sent in and processed before they can give me my permit.  "It could take a month or more to process."  Gah, go figure.  But scores are good for 90 days, and if it takes longer than that, at least I know I can pass the tests now.  I really hope it doesn't take longer than that, though, I'd like to practice some before I leave for Campbell.  But hey, I've waited years beyond the expected time to drive a car, so what's a few more months?

And anyway, I don't really care about that because in the past 36 hours, I have seen some major prayers get answered, and my excitement and gratitude to God for that far outweighs some minor disappointment regarding my permit.  And the funny thing is, none of these answered prayers really have anything to do with me.

First off, family therapy for my mom, Chelsea, and Blake starts July 16th.  Not only that, but Chelsea didn't even put up a fight about it.  I'm so proud of my mom for actually following through on what she told me last month and getting this worked out.  Our family needs it desperately.  I'll even attend the sessions until I leave if they or the therapist wants me to.

Second, my mom has a new job.  I didn't want to mention that she got a "resign or we'll fire you" letter from her old school until we knew what was going to happen next, but days after she got that letter, her best friend told her her school (in a different county) had an open English position.  My mom's best friend is the department head.  We sent in her application weeks ago, they officially made the position known a few days ago, and she had an interview this morning.  They're required to interview at least two people so it doesn't look like they just hand the job to someone, but the second person cancelled.  So suffice it to say, my mom's name is being taken to the county school board for recommendation for employment tomorrow night, and with the principal and her best friend behind her, the principal said he didn't foresee any difficulties.  This new job and the family therapy is going to do so much to help with my mom's depression and just her general outlook on life.  I haven't seen her smile like she did today in a long, long time and that makes me so incredibly happy.

The third and final major prayer that's been answered recently is about my friend Steven.  He's a guy from Pastor Chris's church that Chris asked me to get in contact with because he's been facing medical trauma far worse than mine and at the time was struggling emotionally and spiritually and Chris thought I could help him.  Well, he's been diagnosed with a disease that is so deadly and rare that a vast majority of cases are diagnosed in autopsies.  Beyond that, he's going into the hospital tomorrow to get nutrients to strengthen his body to prepare for the surgery that will happen next week.  If everything goes as planned, he'll be healed.  His faith lately has been such an inspiration and encouragement to me lately, and it has been such an honor to pray for him and a joy to see him get a real shot at getting back to living a full life.  Steven is a beautiful story of God's healing power.

I'm going to be honest.  I sent a text to Steven tonight of the prayer I am praying for him as he faces this next week, and I meant every word of it.  I am truly so excited at the idea of him getting healed.  But as I read back over the prayer, a couple words jumped out at me.  I asked God to help him let go of the emotional scars he has from the years of trauma he's been through.  And it was in reading those words that a feeling rose up in me that I wanted nothing to do with...I realized I was jealous of him.  Jealous that chances are looking good that this time next week, he'll be cured of this disaster that's been plaguing him for years.  What about me? I thought.  What about my healing?  I realized I still have my own emotional scars to heal from, more than I realized before tonight or wanted to admit to.  But this is what Brennan and I talked about after my doctor appointment last week - now that I'm seemingly out of options, now is the time for me to let go of that aspect and find peace with it and heal from my own scars.  I know it's going to take time, and I know what I'm feeling is a natural human emotion, but I don't like being so self-centered.  I just want to be happy and prayerful for my friend without feeling sorry for myself.  Sigh.  It's like I told Brennan - the physical stuff I can deal with, I know how to deal with that, it's the emotional scars in the aftermath that seem to knock me off my feet.

Jesus, help me.  I can't work this out on my own.

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